Describe your favourite video game and make it sound as bad as possible

[E. Gadd Industries]

My favorite: Yay! It's time for a vacation! So, you travel on your own private plane to an Italian, dolphin-shaped island in some archipelago (of other weirdly shaped islands) in some unnamed ocean. It's off to a great start, when you land on the runway but have to stop incredibly short thanks to BP, at it again, but with some crazy weird chemicals mixed in that harm you. No one knows they are drugs or what the crap is in that gunk. But it's like quicksand for everyone but you. The only way you can touch it is with water sprayed from a highly dangerous water jet pack that talks invented by some insane old guy who lives in a shack and fights ghosts (ouch).  After fighting some mutated creature that somehow lives in BP's "accident", you are briefly introduced to BP's mascot, who disappears shortly after. Something looks weird about the mascot, though. Oh well. No big deal. Out of the mess you cleaned up (it vanished after that creature died), a weird star wannabe appears from the ground. You look over & is it just the sweltering heat, or are those cops dressed in hula skirts coming your way? They drag you off to the main plaza and to some courtroom where you are immediately declared guilty in a one-sided trial of creating the mess that BP obviously spilled that spans the entire island. This is because BP's mascot looks a _little_ like you, but a few differences exist: BP's mascot is completely purple with red eyes & a freakishly long tongue, and carries a large graffiti brush (given to them by the exact same old bat). After spending the night in a jail cell (that has a gaping hole in the back, real secure, amirite?), you are informed of more mess in the front of the plaza, and this goo looks exactly like crap. No kidding. After cleaning up the mess, a massive statue _rises up out of the ground_ (must be like McDonalds) and on top is BP's mascot, who steals the girl of your dreams (although you were friend zoned) and the chase ensues! The mascot drops your girl & vandalizes the statue he was on, and jumps into it. Magic goop! So now you go around the island using the magic goop, chasing after this mascot & collecting those star wannabes, half of which are hoarded by the island's residents themselves, but they still blame you for their being lost.

[Dekkadeci]

This thread was fun, and I have a new favourite game now.

A Sonic OC, ripped straight out of deviantART, with an annoying voice and his best friend, a blue sphere, go on a journey to save this random Zeerust girl from a couple of rejected Kirby villains. The game doesn't have the courtesy to give you multiple lives when you restart after getting a game over, and the version I played killed the franchise.

Dang it, if my guess is correct, I mentioned that game in the Spoil the ending of your favourite video game with no context thread.

My guess

Is it Klonoa--specifically Door to Phantomile or its remake?

[close]

Here are games that I have played. Big hint: my gaming is almost all puzzle games on smartphones nowadays:

• What the heck is a tower defence game where EVERYTHING goes in straight, horizontal lines? The projectiles, the enemies, EVERYTHING! And they give you jack for in-game instructions!
• All your puzzle game duel matches last only 2 minutes long. Your job in the matches is to manhandle falling blocks. The game has an annoying tendency to crash right in the middle of a match. Oh, and you lose the power-ups and in-game cash you used in that match. ...And with the latest series of updates, they locked out my ability to play this game. Rats.
• What a ripoff of Bejeweled. They seriously think that swapping candy instead of jewels lets them evade getting sued?!?
• The makers of the game just above are at it again. Your goal is to click on bundles of same-coloured gems. ...A lot. Some levels are so dumb that they have only two colours of gems! That can't be good game balancing! And the last thing I found is that they TOOK AWAY an entire game mode!
• What fun am I supposed to get out of playing a mini-game that lasts for 5 seconds or less? ...Let alone playing a lot of them in sequence?

Here's a famous, highly critically rated game (I haven't played it):

• Your girlfriend is trapped in a tower, some witch is taking over the world, you have to fight eight guys with tenuous reasons for joining that witch--twice--and your former-comrade-turned-rival never has the courtesy to recommend that you exorcise the witch instead of kill her. All he ever does is fight you and say you can't kill her. Oh, and the graphics suck and the music sounds grainy.

[Trainer Ave]

You capture animals and treat them as slaves and make your slaves fight to the death with other people's slaves and also somehow save the world by making your slaves fight to the death.

[cashwarrior1]

Yo-kai Watch! I know it's pokemon, shut up!

[mikey]

I see a terrible description of shovel knight

[Nitro Indigo]

I made a video about this, though there are a few non-video-game-things in it.

[Oronoco]

I laughed at that GtI summary. I don't really agree about the text speed, but I've found I go through games two or three times more slowly than everyone else anyway. Games like that are more my speed.

[SlowPokemon]

I'm actually more comfortable when the text speed is slow and unchangeable (thanks Ace Attorney).

[Oronoco]

Yeah, I'm thinking about Ace Attorney and Golden Sun in particular. When there's that much dialogue, there's no point in rushing through it when you could slow down and enjoy it (and the music).

[mikey]

I like text that doesn't change when I button mash because I do button mash but I also like it being faster

[Hero of Trains]

I read quickly, but if text is at a faster speed I usually forget to look at the images and just rush through the words, like how if there's closed captioning on a movie I just read it and don't really watch as much.

[Nitro Indigo]

A lot of the early text in GTI is tutorials.

Also, I was originally going to say they defeated the "snowflake" using "the power of friendship (trademark)". Not sure why I left that out.

[Yugi]

You play as a Gary Stu protagonist who has to solve a murder with his friends, which involves fighting monsters in a traditional RPG battle system, investigating for things you can already know or guess, and having to talk to people and deal with the shit they give you in order to you to get stronger to go into more dungeons and fight more ~exciting~ battles.

[mikey]

yugi what

[Maelstrom]

You play as a Gary Stu protagonist who has to solve a murder with his friends, which involves fighting monsters in a traditional RPG battle system, investigating for things you can already know or guess, and having to talk to people and deal with the shit they give you in order to you to get stronger to go into more dungeons and fight more ~exciting~ battles.

Literally every JRPG ever