Describe your favourite video game and make it sound as bad as possible

[Sebastian]

You're a communist plumber who gets sucked into a papery world. The stupid blonde princess is once again taken by the overrated Koopa who takes her castle into space. The communist plumber must save her by going through the poorly designed papery game one uncreative world at a time.

[DS]

You're a furry in a plane in space with an annoying team of more furries that can't tell barrels from ailerons and who are supposed to save the badly-rendered furry galaxy from a floating brain with eyeballs.

[ZeldaFan]

You are a single, middle-aged hacker who has control of Chicago's city-wide computer system using only your smartphone. After doing several illegal jobs with a lot of shady people, what do ya know, somebody wants revenge. Your 6-year-old niece died in the crossfire, and now you are trying to find out who ordered the hit. As you steal cars, murder and rob hundreds, put your family in danger, and hack and destroy the city infrastructure, you finally get to the bottom of it. It's an old man with heart failure who runs the underground sex trade. Doing all this still didn't bring back your niece though!

[Altissimo]

Favorite game: You're in a magical world where jumping into paintings allows you to go into other worlds. However, unlike Kirby: Canvas Curse, the game makes very little attempt to explain this, no boss and nothing in the game ever utilizes this so it's not even a real motif - it's just a 3D map where they were high as fuck and said "let's let you jump into paintings". The game was clearly not playtested because it's one of the glitchiest games of all time and it's possible to straight up beat it in, like, 5 minutes. Maybe less. I don't keep up with speedrun shit because there's too many goddamn glitches. My favorite is the one where you can fall through the wall of an overworld building, when not trying very hard, and end up in a nigh-inescapable looping madness place.

Favorite series: You play as a lawyer. That's fucking dumb.

[mikey]

As a young boy who was often bullied for circumstances beyond your control, you are deemed the "Chosen One" by a giant tree. Just before death, the tree tells you about the evil man who cursed him, the man's search for a magic triangle, and how you are the last hope. You, a child who has never left his home forest.
As you journey out into the world, you meet a slew of strange characters (who sometimes give you stuff!), a giant owl, a baby horse, and a princess. After finding 3 magic gems (one of which was inside a giant fish king worshiped by a race of fish people), you and the princess open a portal to another realm, the evil man enters, steals the magic triangle, and takes over the land. Your spirit is sealed away for 7 YEARS (that's right, you spent 7 years in a coma) after which you are awoken to stop the evil man.
After journeying through various geographic locations, obtaining items like a magic ocarina and a mythical sword, and seeing a few people from your past you wish you hadn't, you are now a puzzle-solving master and ready to face the evil man. After an epic battle, he is sealed away in the other realm by 7 spiritual beings. You saved the princess and the world!
After a long talk, the princess decides to reward you by sending you back in time, before all this began so you can go back to your miserable life in the forest, being bullied daily because you are weak and different. But wouldn't doing this just repeat the whole ordeal again?? Who knows!!

you forgot the part where your parents are dead and your mother abandoned you

[E. Gadd Industries]

You're a silent robot with a memory loss problem who has to help save some bunny people from a crazy doctor and his deadly flowers.

Nintendo Badge Arcade?

[Dude]

Nintendo Badge Arcade?

Cave story...

You tried though

[Nitro Indigo]

Going to do a few more...

This game has sprites so pixellated it makes Pokémon Black and White 1 look good, and models so low-poly they wouldn't pass on the Sega Saturn. The cutscenes consist of characters standing around and occasionally angsting, and the plot is about giant death robots and MacGuffins, or something. Also, the characters are all furries.

This game has incredibly low-res textures even by DS standards, and you could get papercuts from the models, which also wouldn't pass on the Sega Saturn. The framerate stutters whenever there's a lot of enemies on screen. The entire cast is a bunch of idiots who need a random kid, who can stare into people's souls for some unexplained reason, to do everything for them, and the plot is basically Sonic '06 for kids.

[Nebbles]

Four kids go to beat up the embodiment of evil with baseball bats, frying pans, laser guns and psychic powers. Hilarity ensues.

[Maelstrom]

A kid with a large red sword that gives him visions in a strange filter hikes up two giant robots for revenge

Spoiler

For someone who isn't dead

[close]

[Altissimo]

A kid with a large red sword that gives him visions in a strange filter hikes up two giant robots for revenge

Spoiler

For someone who isn't dead

[close]

good

[Nebbles]

A+ description

[cashwarrior1]

You're a kid, you're a squid, and you die by touching color.

[Dude]

https://youtu.be/E7lHJXPKoX0

[Nitro Indigo]

This thread was fun, and I have a new favourite game now.

A Sonic OC, ripped straight out of deviantART, with an annoying voice and his best friend, a blue sphere, go on a journey to save this random Zeerust girl from a couple of rejected Kirby villains. The game doesn't have the courtesy to give you multiple lives when you restart after getting a game over, and the version I played killed the franchise.