The Story of My Life~

[mayastarr041]

Hey guys, I just found about this and I decided I wanted to put a personal story of my life. This is all the truth and NONE of these are made up. Some points, it will get dark, but don't worry. I just want to show everyone who I am, what sexism has done to me, and how my life is miserable right now. This is a story of me.....told to the best of my memory. Some parts in the beginning I know, because I watched the recording of what happened when I was young.
My Story
     July 20, 2001 is the day I was born. The hospital's bright light and the cold was just too much for me as I bawled my eyes out, unable to adjust to the cold. I could see 4 figures crowded around me. It was my mother, father, and 2 older brothers.
"It's a girl!" the nurse told my overjoyed parents.
"She's a real cutie," my father cooed while pinching me on my cheeks.
I only cried as I was still unable to adjust to this new surrounding.
"She looks just like me," mother whispered as she stared at me lovingly.
I could see my brothers staring at me curiously, but other then that, they didn't do much. I felt much warmer as the nurse wrapped me in a blanket as my crying slowly ceased.
"This is such a wonderful day," my mother silently cried.
Little did she know, our lives would turn into a literal hell. I spent my childhood as normal as almost anyone's childhood would be. Nothing eventful happened until I was 10 years old. My brother Kevin, who was 17 at that time bought me a 3DS. Now, I couldn't care less about any games until that day.
"Why'd you buy me this?" I asked, "I don't play any Nintendo games."
All he did was smile.
"You should check it out," he told me, "Here, I bought you Super Mario 3D Land."
All I could do was roll my eyes. Mario games? Seriously? Who did he think I was? I didn't touch the DS until August 4th. I was bored and I had absolutely nothing to do so I thought, "Heck, why don't I just try it?"
Immediately after I tried playing the game, I was hooked. I refused to put down my DS. When I ate, I played. When I studied, I played. Heck, when I was taking a bath, I played. When it was bedtime, I played for about an hour and I beat the whole game in no time. That was when Mario latched on to me and I was just obsessed. I began researching about our plumber and realized he was insanely popular right now with the Paper Mario series and the Galaxy series. I wanted to buy a Wii and I begged my father. I was a conceited brat back then and only now, do I truly realize how much of a brat I was. And of course, being daddy's little girl, he couldn't refuse. He had to work overtime to scrape up the money and I still didn't fricking care. He was really tired, but I just cared about me. I hate myself now for that and I just want to hurt myself for hurting my father. I bought the Wii and the Galaxy series. At first, I didn't think it would be that fun until I played it. The 2 things I focused the most on Galaxy was the galaxies themselves and the music. I couldn't care less about the music until I went to Buoy Base Galaxy, Gusty Garden, and Space Junk. When I first landed on Space Junk, I was eager to get the stars until the soft piano sound came. I dropped my controller and just stood mesmerized by the sweet sound. That was when I payed attention to every music in the game and I loved in. My passion for Mario just raised tenfold. (I didn't figure out NinSheet until 2014 :/). After beating Galaxy, I wanted to try out the Paper Mario series so I asked my dad if I could buy it. My dad said we were in a serious crisis right now and asked me to wait, but I didn't. (SHEEEET, I really hate myself at this point. It is taking all my self control to not bash my face in.) I pressured him everyday. I wouldn't stop until he bought me Paper Mario. He told me my mother was in serious danger and guess what I fricking did!!! I didn't give a *******! I heard my mother sobbing at night and occasionally going to the bathroom to throw up, but I didn't care, and I didn't know what was wrong with her. I asked her, but then she just said she was sick. She said she would be fine and should just focus on myself. My mother got worse and worse, each passing day and then came July 20, 2012, my 11th birthday, a Friday. My mom was a stay at home mom while my dad worked and my brother's went to school. I came early, since it was a Friday. I came earlier than everyone else and I rang the door. No answer. I rang it again and shouted, "Mom!" No answer. I banged on the door, but she didn't come out. I took out my spare key and opened the door. I was breathing hard because I knew something bad had happened. I had this weird feeling in my gut. When I went in, I screamed. I saw my a birthday cake on the table with my mom on the floor. There were blood stains all over the table and my mom was laying facedown in a pool of blood. I turned her over and she looked horrible. All I could do was call my mother's name, cry, and hold her hard. I spent around an hour just bawling my eyes out until my brothers came. They too were really surprised and they immediately called my dad and the police. I was just crying and crying and thinking that this was all my fault. I had been a big jerk and God was repaying me by killing my mom. The ambulance got here first, followed my father. A EMT tried pulling me away from my mother, but I fought back. Nothing would tear me apart from my mother.
"Honey, your mom is dead. Please let go of her," a paramedic begged.
"I won't let you take her away from me! Let go of me!" I screamed at him and refused to let go.
My father came up, tears in his eyes and gently pulled me away. I wanted to fight back, to just punch him, but I realized all this was my fault. I had caused this. I didn't fight my dad as he carried me to my room. After about an hour of crying, my body just shut off and I fell asleep. I had a dream, a nightmare.
"You have caused all this!" I heard a demonic voice hiss.
" You killed your own mother!" another voice screamed at me."
"No, no!" I yelled while clutching my head.
I heard weird chanting as I couldn't breathe. I was clutching my throat hard as my vision blurried.
I woke up to see myself clutching my throat, writhing around. I immediately released the grip and began breathing hard. My throat hurt a lot as my neck was really red. I thought this had been all a dream. My mother was alive. When I went down, I saw my father and brothers gone, but there was a note on the table.
(I didn't know until later that my mom suffered from congestive heart failure, due to mitral stenosis.)
They were at the hospital, and they told me to go to school and don't beat myself up. I got prepared and went to school and I refused to talk to anyone. My grades started slipping as I started hanging out with my friends less. Instead, I would focus mostly on games and everytime I heard the Space Junk Galaxy music, I would just break down. It reminds me of my mother's death and that is why Space Junk has a special place in my heart. It would be until 2013 that I would break out of my solitary shell and begin conversing with my friends again. It was a bad mistake. I thought it'd be pretty cool to tell others that I loved playing Mario games and I told all my friends. Well, the boys made fun of me when I told them. They thought that girls can't play Mario games and since it's LA, they always come up with reasons to insult you. I was the "highlight" of my school. I was teased almost everytime for liking Mario.
"Why would you play Mario games?"
"It's not for girls."
"Are you really a girl, cause you sure don't act like one."
"I think dying would be a better option for you, you lowly bi***."
I slowly lost all my friends because of my difference.
The insults got harsher and harsher.
"I would slap the shi** outta you, but that would be animal abuse."
"Have you been shopping lately? They're selling lives there. You should go there."
"You are fu***** weird, you know that?"
I got so pissed I just blew up at them. I began telling them of my mother's death, but that didn't stop them.
"She died because she didn't want to witness your failure."
"I'll bet your mom's happy just because she doesn't have to put up with your sh** anymore."
I couldn't take it anymore. I ditched school and I just lost all hope in life.
"What is the meaning of life?" Was the thought that came up to me.
"If I died, would anyone care?"
I truly didn't think anyone would care so at the 18th of November, 2013, I planned to kill myself. I knew that even if I was dead, no one would care. I searched up 'Ways To Kill Myself' and I read through the list. Hanging, Drowning, Poisoning, Wrist Slitting, and options like that popped up. I decided to slit my wrists and hopefully hit a major artery because I was scared to do anything else. I got a switchblade out of the kitchen and ran upstairs to the bathroom. I was feeling woozy, so I forgot to lock the bathroom door. I turned on the lights and fully clothed, I went inside the bathtub. I lightly traced the blade up my wrist and I shuddered. At first, I couldn't do it.
"Would anyone care if you died?" My thoughts spoke, "You killed your mother. It was all your fault. You deserve to die. You are nothing, you are pathetic."
My mother....that did it. It was over. I got the knife and began digging it in my wrist. I clenched my teeth as pain shot up. I hissed as I finally made a hole and blood began spilling out of my wrist.......

I'm so sorry guys. I don't think I could write anymore today. I'm crying so hard right now and it's just soo hard. These memories are haunting me everyday......

[AwesomeYears]

Jesu Christ, I'm sorry for your loss I see it's been a hard life for you the past couple of years. Hopefully you'll be better later in life. If you're felling suicidal, please (!) ring a suicide hotline and listen to their advice. At least you'll be able to talk to us Nintendo nerds, not those school jerks.

[Hero of Trains]

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Hopefully things will get better soon! As AwesomeYears said, call a suicide hotline if you're feeling suicidal. You should know that we really like you too, and we'll be here if you need to talk.

[Maelstrom]

Wow. I completely understand why you took that other guy's lousy comments so personally. I'm glad he's gone now.
Just remember, while it may help to get this out there, don't put yourself through too much by bringing up painful memories.
And remember that the NSM community is always here to help, but we're not professionals.

[mayastarr041]

Yeah, thank you guys so much for your support and help, but I'm afraid it just helps me emotionally...and the thing is, I bring up these because when I do, I am filled with deep emotional pain and I guess I bear that because I still believe that I killed my mom. And suicide hotlines won't help because I'm already dead. All I am doing is delaying the process. You see, Ninsheetmusic is the only hope in me. Once this is gone, I'm afraid that I will be gone. I dropped out of school and the only thing I do in my life is play video games, NinSheetMusic, and go shopping only with a few friends, and just stay locked up in my room doing nothing. And that is why NinSheetMusic has changed my life. At least I can communicate with all you extremely nice and helpful people. You guys are my only mortal anchor. Since I gave up on education, once my dad dies, I'm literally a goner. The only I could make money with this kind of education is to.....I'm sure you guys all know the answer. That is why I want to take my time to personally thank each and every one of you for delaying my inevitable doom. Also, I wouldn't want to call a suicide hotline because all they will do is talk me out of suicide, which I'm planning to do when my dad dies. So please, please refrain from saying, "Call suicide hotline," because in the end, I will kill myself, no matter what circumstance. Don't worry about me. Once I'm gone, just move on with your lives. Don't even bother paying attention to mine. Anyways, thank you guys for listening to my story....It's time to just get back to arranging sheets (which I suck at.)
Thanks.

[mayastarr041]

I'm sick of all this. Don't bother replying to this ever again. Please, just ignore this story. I'm never going to touch it again.

[mikey]

I apologize in advance if this makes you mad and as bad as this might be, I think you have a real talent for storytelling, I'd love to see you write some stuff that makes you feel great too, just because you do so well getting the emotions across

[mayastarr041]

Thank you. 
No I'm not mad! Just flattered....

[mikey]

Oh, please do write more!  I really enjoy reading short stories

[mayastarr041]

Sure! Can you just give me a plot? I'll be more than glad.

[mikey]

how about a twenty-eight volume science fiction swashbuckling historical romance tell all potboiler mystery satire buddy-cop adventure tragedy how-to action novel?  Or if that's too hard maybe just write about what it would be like exploring one of them SMG planets

[mayastarr041]

;DHaha. Exploring the galaxies would be fine! Perfect idea, thanks!

[mayastarr041]

I'm sorry but I don't believe your story at all. Unless you can come up with some convincing evidence, I'll probably keep thinking you and that guy who was harassing you are the same person.

Aaahhh I said itttt.....

You don't believe me huh? Let me tell you something: I have came upon a lot of people who don't believe me. When I cut myself and I tell people that my mother is dead, there is always a lot of people that do not believe me. Ibtell them I am depressed and I need help. They think I am lying and when I show them my scars l, they, make up pathetic excuses like 'You just did that for fun,' and 'those are not scars. They are just marker or sharpie marks.'
That makes me think, "Oh, so you want me to actually cut myself right in front you? Because I will."
I have gotten used to it. If you don't want to believe me, fine. I couldn't care less but know that this is all true. This sh** is reality. Things like this happen. If you want real proof, I could post a video of me hurting myself. Do you want that? Cause I swear I will give it to you.

[JDMEK5]

I'm sorry but I don't believe your story at all. Unless you can come up with some convincing evidence, I'll probably keep thinking you and that guy who was harassing you are the same person.

Aaahhh I said itttt.....

I believe this Dude and I'm going to be blunt and say that you should too. I've seen it in person with a very close friend of mine. The only thing different was the situation but the cutting and the depression was all there. All of it.

Anyways Maya, I'm not sure where the rest of your family is right now cuz usually when something like this happens, they tend to stick together but either way no matter what, I think you should see a therapist. I'm aware that before you mentioned that you hate them because they make you feel bad and open up 'the wound' but healing will hurt a bit too and I honestly think it's the best. I've seen therapy work for a friend of mine who had the same depression symptoms as you. You shouldn't die because you deserve to live just as everyone else does and I can't stress it enough that while we're definitely here for you in any way we can be, there's no substitute for another human's real face. Don't take it personally but you had shitty friends and they honestly don't deserve you. See a therapist, make some decent friends (cuz they are out there as you can see here on NSM for example), and things can start looking up. You'll see but it would be unfair to die without giving all these things a chance. You're not the only person in the world to go through what you did and others have managed (with help) to pick themselves up and still lead a decent and happy life. And I know you can too. You're stronger than your situation and with help from us and a therapist, you will be ok. I have no doubts.

[mayastarr041]

Tell me who. Ill send them the damn proof.