Maestro Advises You on Things

[SlowPokemon]

How do I beat the Witch Kings in Crimson Shroud? I haven't been this stuck in a game in a long time

[MaestroUGC]

How do I beat the Witch Kings in Crimson Shroud? I haven't been this stuck in a game in a long time

Pray.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[Olimar12345]

Hey maestro i really have to go to the bathroom

[Waddle Bro]

Where is Olimar's bathroom?

[MaestroUGC]

Where is Olimar's bathroom?

Down the hall, second door on the left.

Watch out for the mutant kitty litter.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[Olimar12345]

Down the hall, second door on the left.

holy shet O_o

[Dudeman]

Maestro, can you explain the sociological implications of oatmeal sticking to one's ribs?

[Jamaha]

My measurement results give me 6 dB more received power than the theoretical equation suggests. This could be nicely fixed if the equation just had a coefficient 4 in front of it. Where have I made a mistake and how do I get the 4 in there?

[Yugi]

What Australian law should I cover for my Commerce assignment?

I have to find either a Federal or NSW law, and suggest some changes to it.

[MaestroUGC]

Maestro, can you explain the sociological implications of oatmeal sticking to one's ribs?

Ah, the old "Sticky Oats" dilemma. This is a very common occurrence but still has not been widely accepted in society since the Great Sticky Wicky Disaster of 1949. Since then having oats in any manner stuck to your ribs was similar to having leprosy in Jesus times. Sticky Oats often carries the implication that the effected person doesn't digest food properly, and therefore they must be worshippers of Gulrog the Eaterer. As you all should know, Gulrog is a figure in Skiddish folklore who was said to devour those who made bad life decisions.

Such an association tends to put a fear into most members of Western Society who routinely make such decisions. They will immediately begin to distance themselves and proceed to start a diet they know they will never keep. Some may also resolve to set aside money for retirement, but they usually just spend that money on hookers just so they can pretend to know what human affection feels like.

The affected person will notice this increasing distance and will assume that the fault lies with them, which it does because they should learn to chew their food more properly, and will embark on a journey of self discovery. This journey typically last a single lunchtime/commercial break and when they return most everyone around them who was concerned with the Sticky Oats won't care anymore and go on about their business.

This entire episode typically lasts about 30 minutes, but strangely enough never occurs on Thursdays.

-Best Whishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

My measurement results give me 6 dB more received power than the theoretical equation suggests. This could be nicely fixed if the equation just had a coefficient 4 in front of it. Where have I made a mistake and how do I get the 4 in there?

The mistake you made was in dictation of the original problem. Simply re-write the problem, insert the four wherever you want, and then try again. Also try to make sure you know what you are doing, that usually helps.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

What Australian law should I cover for my Commerce assignment?

I have to find either a Federal or NSW law, and suggest some changes to it.

Argue that all of Australia should abandon any semblance of Law and Order because that show has run its course. Law was made by Man, and as such is wrong and stupid.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[braix]

How do I find a baby arctic wolf and bring it back to the US to keep as a pet?

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Spoiler

First you have to set up a dummy government is South Korea, nothing too big but big enough to been seen as a "credible threat". The easiest way to do that is to take all the food or women, doing both will probably result in a sex-induced heart attack so do only one or the other. As soon as the threat is established launch an attack on North Korea, but don't follow through, you just need to do enough to get the attention of the greater world powers.

Return to the US, under a different identity, and the "New Korean Crisis" as a spring board to launch your political career. For added measure bring some mercenaries you undoubtedly should have hired by now, they'll come in to play later. Every time you need a sympathy boost simply have your pawns attack some random city and "fight to end the needless aggression in the world." Eventually this should result in an appointment to Congress.

By this point the US should have already begun to intervene in the "New Korean Crisis", so to keep them busy have your mercenaries attack the Korean Embassy on US soil. This should inspire congress to go to war, but do not support it. Instead be as vocal as you can be against the conflict. During the war you should make sure you get close to the current President, you want to become something of a close adviser on the issue and keep persisting in "ending the conflict." At this point you should default power of your small militia to which ever warlord you see fit, the less ties you have the better; just instruct him to never actually make progress in anything.

At some point the President should make a decision to bring this conflict to an end because "they are just attacking a few cities with no real apparent goal." During his press conference, with you close behind, have your mercenaries attack it and kill the President, turning him and you into a martyr. Use this to your advantage and make a run for the presidency on the grounds that "the war has found a new zeal that cannot be appeased through diplomacy, the only way to deal with the aggressors is by quick and final action." You ticket of "No More Nonsense" combined with your almost murder, should catapult you straight to the presidency.

Once president, using your new influence, simply whip up a few more external crises and enact a pseudo-martial law on Southern Asia. This won't make you popular, but it will turn the rest of the world against the US. Keep your favor with the American people by insisting an "Us-or-Them" mentality, and make a clear strike against China, the root of all evil. This unwarranted attack will have other nations taking up arms, so allying with you, the others against you.

Congratulations, you just started WW III. Assuming your military coup has still survived at this point (if not just start a new one elsewhere in the world, South Africa, perhaps?), funnel resources into it and turn it into a minor military super power. While still president, keep promising the American people "an end to threat of safety" and they should keep you in power as long as you can show clear and precise victories. As the threats grow more dire (introduce nuclear warfare to up the ante) attribute more emergency powers to yourself. As soon as you have enough power and popular appeal globally, simply use both militaries to create a stalemate and split the world in half, protected by the threat of Mutually Assured Destruction. Declare yourself King/Emperor/High Admiral/Whatever-you-wish and create minor skirmishes across the globe, with both sides under your complete power, assuring the "only through [you] can there be peace" (which technically isn't wrong).

Congratulations, you've just created Orwell's 1984 and placed yourself on top of both sides. If you want totally unified power, simply have the Greater American Alliance be attacked in some really devastating manner and just nuke the opposing side. "No More Nonsense" indeed. This process should take about 20 years, so be sure to pump out plenty of propaganda along the way to keep future generations on your side.

[close]

-Best Wishes
Maestro

Maestro really has this planned out...

O_O

[mikey]

Have you ever thought about writing more hitchhiker's books?