Maestro Advises You on Things

[Maelstrom]

What would happen if Pinocchio said' "my nose is growing?"

[Bubbles]

is it the alarm clock from hidamari sketch?

my alarm in the morning is the phone ringtone from Eden of the East

[SlowPokemon]

Unrelated to this topic but my alarm to wake up in the morning is Beautiful Morning from Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc

[Olimar12345]

Alarm derail! My alarm used to be Semper Fidelis, but I would only wake up because I'd be pissed that it stopped playing before the trombones came in at the trio! xD

[MaestroUGC]

Mister Maestro, how do sleep before my father gets up to work? His alarm clock goes off on 03:00 (about now) and I have heard it 3 days in a row

His alarm clock is also like the scariest thing ever ;_;

Sleep do very much early so not lose winning. The easiest way to subdue an alarm clock is to remove it entirely from the premises. If you are unable to do that, I suggest pushing the sun about 6 hours behind schedule so you can be sure you get the sleep you need. If all else fails, simply smother the person for whom the alarm is intended to awaken in the middle of the night, thereby removing the need for such an alarm in the first place.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

What would happen if Pinocchio said' "my nose is growing?"

If Pinocchio were to say "My nose is growing" his nose would infact begin to grow. Let this be a lesson in temporal physics and proper grammar. At the precise moment Pinocchio said "My nose is growing" his nose would grow because at that point in time his nose is, in fact, not growing. That statement would be a lie, and under Blue Fairy Provision 1-a such a statement would cause his nose to grow.

Had he said "my nose will grow then it would in fact still grow. Why? At the point in time of that statement it would be a truth and his nose shouldn't grow; since he is referring to a future event that will not occur, he is therefore telling a lie causing his nose to grow.

Should Pinocchio have instead said, "my nose will not about to have been grown," it would not grow, because he is referring to a future point in time where his nose did not grow at a previous point in between the time he made the statement and the time of said non nose growing. Since he is referring to a future that will occur, it would be a truth and his nose will not grow.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[SlowPokemon]

my sides

[BlackDragonSlayer]

maestro how do we help slow's sides

[Bloop]

Sleep do very much early so not lose winning. The easiest way to subdue an alarm clock is to remove it entirely from the premises. If you are unable to do that, I suggest pushing the sun about 6 hours behind schedule so you can be sure you get the sleep you need. If all else fails, simply smother the person for whom the alarm is intended to awaken in the middle of the night, thereby removing the need for such an alarm in the first place.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

Alright, I'll try that. Thanks mister Maestro.


Also since I started a post-your-alarm-clock-sound: My father's alarm clock is the most annoying kind of "MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH" and scared the shit out of me when I was a little blerp

Spoiler

[close]

Wasn't I just cute? ;3

[MaestroUGC]

maestro how do we help slow's sides

In the event of aching sides, simply drink some salt water while attempting to slay The Great Beast of Goloch Magoor! You don't need to actually succeed, just be in the act with drinking the salt water. Wait about 15 minutes and you should feel a warming sensation around your abdomen, once you feel it have you're second best friend kick you near the liver with his left shoe on his right foot. Then walk around in a perfect sphere and your sides should recover by the end your third lap.

Should this not work then call a priest, because you probably contracted Malyasian Foot Mungies; to which there is no cure and you will die a slow and slippery death in about 6 weeks.

For those of you wondering, Malaysian Foot Mungies (mung-ees, not munj-ees) can only be contracted by rolling on the back of middle aged street walker who is performing [censored] on her john.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[mikey]

If Pinocchio were to say "My nose is growing" his nose would infact begin to grow. Let this be a lesson in temporal physics and proper grammar. At the precise moment Pinocchio said "My nose is growing" his nose would grow because at that point in time his nose is, in fact, not growing. That statement would be a lie, and under Blue Fairy Provision 1-a such a statement would cause his nose to grow.

Had he said "my nose will grow then it would in fact still grow. Why? At the point in time of that statement it would be a truth and his nose shouldn't grow; since he is referring to a future event that will not occur, he is therefore telling a lie causing his nose to grow.

Should Pinocchio have instead said, "my nose will not about to have been grown," it would not grow, because he is referring to a future point in time where his nose did not grow at a previous point in between the time he made the statement and the time of said non nose growing. Since he is referring to a future that will occur, it would be a truth and his nose will not grow.

lawyer'd

[fank009]

I'll bite.
Can you tell me the best way to fly?

[Nebbles]

How can I conquer the world?

[MaestroUGC]

I'll bite.
Can you tell me the best way to fly?

I will be the first to tell you that the only way to fly is on one of Romp Airlines Premiere World Class Super Jets. Romp Airlines is a company you can trust and they have an excellent service record, only about 50% of their flights have been lost or crashed in spectacular failure.

No I'm not being paid to endorse them.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

How can I conquer the world?

First you have to set up a dummy government is South Korea, nothing too big but big enough to been seen as a "credible threat". The easiest way to do that is to take all the food or women, doing both will probably result in a sex-induced heart attack so do only one or the other. As soon as the threat is established launch an attack on North Korea, but don't follow through, you just need to do enough to get the attention of the greater world powers.

Return to the US, under a different identity, and the "New Korean Crisis" as a spring board to launch your political career. For added measure bring some mercenaries you undoubtedly should have hired by now, they'll come in to play later. Every time you need a sympathy boost simply have your pawns attack some random city and "fight to end the needless aggression in the world." Eventually this should result in an appointment to Congress.

By this point the US should have already begun to intervene in the "New Korean Crisis", so to keep them busy have your mercenaries attack the Korean Embassy on US soil. This should inspire congress to go to war, but do not support it. Instead be as vocal as you can be against the conflict. During the war you should make sure you get close to the current President, you want to become something of a close adviser on the issue and keep persisting in "ending the conflict." At this point you should default power of your small militia to which ever warlord you see fit, the less ties you have the better; just instruct him to never actually make progress in anything.

At some point the President should make a decision to bring this conflict to an end because "they are just attacking a few cities with no real apparent goal." During his press conference, with you close behind, have your mercenaries attack it and kill the President, turning him and you into a martyr. Use this to your advantage and make a run for the presidency on the grounds that "the war has found a new zeal that cannot be appeased through diplomacy, the only way to deal with the aggressors is by quick and final action." You ticket of "No More Nonsense" combined with your almost murder, should catapult you straight to the presidency.

Once president, using your new influence, simply whip up a few more external crises and enact a pseudo-martial law on Southern Asia. This won't make you popular, but it will turn the rest of the world against the US. Keep your favor with the American people by insisting an "Us-or-Them" mentality, and make a clear strike against China, the root of all evil. This unwarranted attack will have other nations taking up arms, so allying with you, the others against you.

Congratulations, you just started WW III. Assuming your military coup has still survived at this point (if not just start a new one elsewhere in the world, South Africa, perhaps?), funnel resources into it and turn it into a minor military super power. While still president, keep promising the American people "an end to threat of safety" and they should keep you in power as long as you can show clear and precise victories. As the threats grow more dire (introduce nuclear warfare to up the ante) attribute more emergency powers to yourself. As soon as you have enough power and popular appeal globally, simply use both militaries to create a stalemate and split the world in half, protected by the threat of Mutually Assured Destruction. Declare yourself King/Emperor/High Admiral/Whatever-you-wish and create minor skirmishes across the globe, with both sides under your complete power, assuring the "only through [you] can there be peace" (which technically isn't wrong).

Congratulations, you've just created Orwell's 1984 and placed yourself on top of both sides. If you want totally unified power, simply have the Greater American Alliance be attacked in some really devastating manner and just nuke the opposing side. "No More Nonsense" indeed. This process should take about 20 years, so be sure to pump out plenty of propaganda along the way to keep future generations on your side.

-Best Wishes
Maestro