Maestro Advises You on Things

[BlackDragonSlayer]

I actually got this one.  Something something salt, something something.

-Best wishes, Maestro

Is probably what he'd do

I want confirmation before I go around throwing salt on people!

[MaestroUGC]

Oh Maestro, I have a need for your advice! What, I ask, do you do with friends who are leeches?

If you find yourself beleeched by "friends" what you should to remove them is to starve them of the thing they are leeching. Best way to do this is to strike them with a blunt object next time they try to leach, but a simple "no" should also suffice.

For those of you who suggested salt get the f*** out of my advice column you parasitic pieces of s***. Salt only works on people who suffer from Felled Cow Syndrome; the salt acts as a barrier that cows cannot penetrate, which as we all know is common knowledge.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[SlowPokemon]

YES FELLED COW SYNDROME IS THE COW CRISIS REFERRED TO BY THAT CONCERNED HUMBLE FARMER CITIZEN HOW DO I SOLVE IF

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Best way to do this is to strike them with a blunt object

Got it! Thanks!

[fank009]

Maestro, can you gave ,e advice on how to take advice from others?

[braix]

Maestro, how do I reach the status of a god?

[SlowPokemon]

Maestro, how do I get a boy to think I'm cute?

[MaestroUGC]

Maestro, can you gave ,e advice on how to take advice from others?

The taking of advice is one of the most challenging task a human can ever undertake.

Step 1: Allow the Advice Giver to tell you how they would solve your problem or otherwise prove to you how much better they would be at your life than you.

Step 2: Beat the living s*** out of them for giving you unsolicited advice, as you are a registered client of Maestro Enterprises^TM only are legally restricted to accept any advice from Maestro the Great, and are only allowed to interact with other people's registered under Maestro Enterprises, Inc.^TM and minimal contact with other people's outside the Domain.

Step 3: Confirm the advice received with the normal protocols for Advisement by Outside Parties and seek out proper advice b Maestro the Wise.

Step 4: Once the proper advice has been confirmed (you should receive an email in 3-5 business days) then you should follow it exactly as written.

Step 5: You will be billed and should you follow the advice as directed your life will improve.

Thank you for choosing Maestro Enterprises Inc., LLC.^TM, the one stop shop for all things Maestro the Magnificent.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

Maestro, how do I reach the status of a god?

You must become one with Maestro. Only through Maestro can you know the infinite infinities of the universe. Should you desire to unlock the majesties of the cosmos come to me, my child. Come unto me, become within me, and know all that is unknown.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[blueflower999]

You must become one with Maestro. Only through Maestro can you know the infinite infinities of the universe. Should you desire to unlock the majesties of the cosmos come to me, my child. Come unto me, become within me, and know all that is unknown.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

I'm pretty sure this should be the go-to advice for every question in this thread.

[K-NiGhT]

Maestro, some of my friends have been telling me that they can't even. How does one even? Is there hope for my friends?

[MaestroUGC]

Maestro, some of my friends have been telling me that they can't even. How does one even? Is there hope for my friends?

Ah, the age old Even/Odd debate. I've always lived by the rule of Primes, 17 being a very effective divining tool for my own uses.

Evens have a universal, but often unfulfillable, application to most problems and situations, but Odds tend to be better at certain tasks. Primes are those great specializers, with Zero being the Great Universal Equalizer.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, DO NOT USE ZERO IN ANY CASE. IT CONTAINS A POWER FAR BEYOND THE MIGHT OF EVEN YOUR GREATER GODS. IT HAS BEEN SAID TO BE A GOD INTO AND OF ITSELF, RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING ALL THATHAS AND EVER WILL BE.

DON'T FUCK WITH ZERO.
-Best Wishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

Maestro, how do I get a boy to think I'm cute?

Show him the world through your [censored] and let him know what he would be missing in terms of both [censored] and [that is way too inappropriate for an advice column]. Just remember to love and be loved in return.

-Best Wishes
Maestro

[Maelstrom]

How do I make sure ThatGamer never returns, O Great Maestro?

[Olimar12345]

By not honoring his memory and bumping useless topics d: