BDS Wastes Your Time With Silly Game Reviews!

[braix]

Oh why must I hate long walls of text so much? I only lasted until your favorite Undertale bosses before my brain fried out and I couldn't retain anything I read anymore.
I'll read it later

[mikey]

*raises finger* I regret playing it

[Dudeman]

*applause*

I haven't heard a lot about Fez so it was cool seeing you put the games side-by-side like that. Very nice job.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

*applause*

I haven't heard a lot about Fez so it was cool seeing you put the games side-by-side like that. Very nice job.

Thank you! That's one of the reasons why it took so long- I was debating whether or not to do them both... plus all the writing for both.

[cashwarrior1]

Why has this stopped?

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Because I've been working on several other things and the next review(s) (a bunch of them in a row, yep!) I have planned will take a lot of consistent commitment.

[cashwarrior1]

Okay, yay!

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Oh, wow! It's hard to believe that it's been *sniff* almost twenty five reviews! I'm so proud of myself. So, so proud of myself. Thanks for sticking around this long, everybody! To celebrate this, I'm going to be doing something epic. I mean EPIC. For the next couple of reviews, I will only be reviewing games released before the year 2000 (I mean, I do that a lot anyway, but for now, I'm going to be doing that intentionally)—that includes the good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in-between! So, to start, here's an old favorite of mine that, quite honestly, I'm surprised I haven't reviewed yet. Here goes!!!

Mega Turrican (Sega Genesis)

"One batch, two batch, penny and dime." - Frank Castle

Ahh, I love this old game. I love the soundtrack, I love the art style, I love the enemies, I love the locations, I love the box art (just in case you haven't heard me talk about this already), I love... well, I think it's best I show you all the stuff in the game and why I love everything so much!

The best way I can describe this game simply is how I used to describe it many years ago: "Metroid, but more about the platforming and less about the exploration." In a way, I still think this is kind of like the Genesis's'is's equivalent of Super Metroid—even though this game was technically also released on another platform—and even though it has more notable flaws than Super Metroid, I still hold this game very dear to my heart. Now, what's interesting about this game is that it differs from other games in the franchise: while previous games of the series do have more exploratative elements to them, with levels that are usually more open in order to encourage explodation, Mega Turrican's levels tend to be more focused, with a specific path to follow, and only a few secrets along the way. In fact, the first area even has a secret level in it!* In addition, Mega Turrican replaces the previously-used beam whip with a grappling rope/hook/thingamajig.
*Side Note: Secret levels do not appear in any other part of the game.

Mega Turrican was released in 1994. However, the Amiga version of the game—Turrican 3: Payment Day—was released i-

Wait a minute.

Payment Day?

P-P-P-PAYMENT DAY!?!?

Turrican 4: The Machine Does His Taxes

You know what, I'm done talking about the game's background; you can probably read all that by yourselves if you really want to. Let's get to the real business.

The intro starts. The music plays. Story stuff.

Dude means business. He's going to be, like, the hardest boss ever, I swear. I mean, with a name like "THE MACHINE," you can't go wrong, right?

You play as Bren McGuire, who is a really ugly guy (seriously, he's ugly). He swears FINAL REVERGE against THE MACHINE, because THE MACHINE kills everything. Like, seriously, how does this man expect to defeat a PLANET-DESTROYING MONSTER... BY HIMSELF!? I don't know, but if you're good enough, and have a Turrican Assault Suit, you can do anything, I guess. You're probably going to die a lot though!

You start the first level, and encounter robo-Goomba things that make adorable noises when you step on them. Talk about video games encouraging violence, sheesh! Next thing you know, kidsaregonna be steppin' on their dogs next!

I mean, it is a really adorable noise. *squish*

The game progresses through a variety of stages and settings. Interstingly enough, in the easiest setting, the game stops at the end of the second stage's boss (a water level). Talk about cruelty. Talk about earning yer keep. But it really is a worthwhile investment to play the game on a harder setting. While there's a big emphasis put on platforming in the game, there is also a very, very big emphasis on shooting. And fighting boss-a-ma-jigs. There are so many boss-a-ma-jigs.

*Right, Left, Down, Right, B* Who cares about water levels anyway?

There's so much in this game I could praise? Where should I start!? Oh where, o where! Most simply put:

THIS GAME.

IS.

AWESOME.

*melts from nostalgia*

Pros:
+ Turrican.
+ Mega. When you add "Mega" to stuff, it's always better!
+ Platforming and shooting.
+ Secrets! Aw yiss!

Cons:
- The final boss is literally easier than any other boss in the game.
- Why are old games so hard!?

Final Score: 9.6/10

Reviewer notes:

• NEXT REVIEW WILL BE POSTED WHEN REVIEWER REFORMS FROM NOSTALGIA MELT

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Anticipation (NES)

"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes." - Popular Saying

I anticipate that this is going to be a very bad game.

Anticipation for NES is basically a board game in video game form. And, well, we all know how well those go. Especially the older-era ones. Like, just PLAY A BOARD GAME. You need physical manipulation for these kinds of things! Physical manipulation is the best way to have fun. You gotta really get up there and manhandle those... wait, what was I talking about?

The future of board games! Anticipa-pa-pa-pation!

Basic gameplay consists of moving your selected token around the board via "rolling" a die (a prime example of the lack of physical contact with game pieces, an integral part of the whole "board game experience"), then landing on a square which is one of four colors, each corresponding to a particular category of items you have to guess, based on a series of dots that, as the timer counts down, connect to form an image (which, of course, is what you have to guess). After you guess a picture from each category, you can advance to the next level; there are three levels in total in the two easier difficulty settings. Of course, being a "board game," you compete with other players. Because I have no friends I'm not playing a physical copy of the game you get the option of playing against the computer (and if you do too, you probably will be as well!). Sometimes, you might find that the computer players seem to be able to guess the pictures way too soon for anything resembling a normal human reactions; that's mostly to get you to stop breezing through the game and to kill your perfect streak... but more on that later! Another cheap aspect of the game is how, after you've got one color down, there's absolutely nothing preventing you from landing on that same color again... which means, technically, if you get unlucky, you could be landing on the same color over, and over, and over again, making absolutely no progress (and by extension, the computer players, by virtue of being the computer, get an advantage if you happen to slip up in a way like, say, falling asleep because you're so bored). Yay! I have trouble believing there isn't a better way they could have designed this.

I'm using a picture from Wikipedia because I'm feeling particularly lazy today. Courtesy of user GVnayR, apparently.

If you play the game on the easier two difficulties, it has a chance to be too easy, given that, if you guess a picture correctly, you get to roll again (that's a thing in this game, something I'm usually not fond of in board games... for the sole fact that it could potentially allow one player to completely dominate the game without giving the other players much of a chance)... meaning, if you're good/quick enough, you can potentially play the whole game without any of the NPCs getting a turn. Of course, you're probably not going to get a perfect run because you're not perfect: you are a flawed human being who will succumb to sin just like the rest of us has to face against the cheating computer. Playing the game on the harder difficulties, on the other hand, just makes things even more cheap. Instead of three levels, there are four levels, and, to make matters worse, if you get unlucky, you can land on squares that send you back to the third level. You can imagine how fun that is. Spoiler: it's not fun at all. With no player input on the actual drawing part of the guessed object in the puzzles, the main bulk of the gameplay gets boring pretty quickly (like, I suppose that if you had a good enough memory, you could win simply by memorizing the dot and/or line patterns! Also, congrats, you probably have no life if you do that). Once you play long enough to pick up how the game work, that's pretty much it. You might be frustrated an occasion time or two that the game doesn't accept your answer even though it totally should (there's also the matter of letter selection for the guessing, which is extremely poor and adds a whole other needless layer of stress to the game), but, yeah... that's about it. This game has no redeemable single player experience. It doesn't even really work as a board game because it seriously doesn't have the elements that make a board game work. And if it doesn't fulfill its principal purpose, what good is it?

Wait a minute, this game was made by Rare.

Pros:
+ Is its own board game version.
+ The music's kind of okay I guess?

Cons:
- Tedious, repetitive, unfun.
- The mechanics of the game themselves are kind of cheap and borderline broken.
- Difficulty setting take exactly the wrong approach the game.
- just play an actual board game.

Final Score: 3/10

Reviewer notes:

• play clue instead
• or settlers of catan
• or monopoly perhaps
• even any other nes game'll do; like, it doesn't have to be a board game or anything
• Maybe this is all an allegory for purgatory. Or Hell.

[mikey]

"AI hax doesn't exist" -alti

[Maelstrom]

I just realized how much I've missed these reviews.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

"AI hax doesn't exist" -alti

uh oh
be warned, alti may be incoming to correct your out-of-context statement

I just realized how much I've missed these reviews.

Thank you; glad you enjoy them! Also, your post was the 100th reply! Woooooooo!!!

[mikey]

That's what makes it funny

[SlowPokemon]

That's what makes it funny

I have to admit, this made me laugh out loud

[BlackDragonSlayer]

For the next couple of reviews, I will only be reviewing games released before the year 2000

WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT.

Spoiler

Sonic Mania (PS4)

"To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence... When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." - C. S. Lewis

Sonic's back. Guys, Sonic's back. ;_; After so long. The hype... it... it's real. And it's magnificent.
















Pros:
+ Sonic's back.
+ The game does so much new that builds off of the old material the game is so clearly inspired by.

Cons:
- This game wears its influences on its sleeve. Sometimes to a fault. (e.g. the second part of Hydrocity Zone's Act 2 boss)
- As someone who prefers the simplicity of Sonic 2 over the complexity of 3, I'm not as happy with the fact the game tends to take much more influence from the third game than the second.

Final Score: 9.2/10

Reviewer notes:

• Thank you for listening to this special announcement. We will now resume your regularly scheduled programming.

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