BDS Wastes Your Time With Silly Game Reviews!

[BlackDragonSlayer]

I noticed that I've reviewed too many games that I've given a score greater than 5. That must change in the future.

Bubberducky (PS3)

"This whole video. All of it." - videogamedunkey

I wanted to review this game because I saw that the forum was suspiciously lacking in Bubberducky and not because I had my soul stolen by a demon from playing this game. No, that would be entirely absurd.

Bubberducky is a wonderful game: it's like Flicky, but in 3D, and you'll definitely notice a vast improvement from that old, archaic game. Bubberducky is vastly superior. I was not paid to say this, nor was I hypnotized, nor am I being commanded by a demon to say things I don't want to- it is of my own free will that I praise this game. The graphics are vastly superior to any game on the PS3, and the controls are flawless. You don't use analog sticks to play the game, you don't use buttons... YOU JUST USE THE CONTROLLER! How brilliant! The era of buttons and the era a humanity shall end starting with this game!

The story of this game is tragic and compelling, told mostly through the use of inferences based on the gameplay. You play as Bubberducky, a convert from the Cult of Beelzebub to the Cult of Baal. Tasked by his new master to collect innocent ducks to sacrifice, he is opposed by the sharks who follow Beelzebub- false prophets who seek to stop him on his quest. All the while, Bubberducky begins to doubt himself and falls into insanity. This is the actually story. You have no reason to doubt that. It's a heartfelt tale, really.

This game was released in 2007, but it plays like it was just released yesterday! ARHEFGAYWY! I have nothing else to say but: PLAY THIS GAME! DO IT! BUY IT. SPEND YOUR MONEY ON IT. THE DEMON LORDS OF EEOFOL DEMAND IT. HELP ME SAVE MY SOUL.

Pros:
+ I enjoyed it more than Shrek Smash n' Crash Racing.
+ A demon did not possess me after I played this game!
+ Good graphics.

Cons:
- Don't listen to what I said in the review above!
- It has terrible controls!
- Entirely unexceptional.
- Frustrating gameplay at times.

Final Score: 6.66/6.66

Final Score: 4.2/10

Reviewer Notes:

• Don't play this game! Play Flicky instead (or Mercury Hg, depending on what type of gameplay you want)!
• Every cent spent to buy Super Rub 'a' Dub is another cent in the hand of our future overlords. It's a good investment.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

I was intending to review this game earlier, but I didn't want to rush into it.

Heroes of Might and Magic III: Horn of the Abyss (PC)

"Remember- no Russian." - Vladimir Makarov, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

So apparently a lot of Russians really love Heroes of Might and Magic...?

Heroes of Might and Magic III: Horn of the Abyss (HotA) is another fan-made mod for Heroes of Might and Magic III; it is notable for being the "first fan mod in the history of the entire series to successfully add a mostly-stable, all-new town, without replacing any other factions in doing so" (that's in quotes because it's taken from here). In addition, the official thread states that other new features include a new war machine for the Cove- the cannon (I love it)- new artifacts and artifact sets (pretty good), new banks and conservatories (I never really bother with those anyway), new types of map objects (always a plus), new heroes (great), new map editor with bigger map sizes (cool?), and other balance fixes (yay), all while striving to stay true to the "classic formula" of Heroes III mods (like Armageddon's Blade- introducing a new town and some other nice things, but not altering basic gameplay like WoG does). When starting the review for this game, I asked myself, "How do you review something that isn't complete?" but then I said to myself "You just do it." And then I said HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA.

Firstly, let's talk about that Cove town. The Cove town is a pirate town that adds 14 new creatures. Wow! 14! The same as any other castle! Plus another extra unit, the Sea Dog, that can be upgraded by the campaigns hero Bidley. Wow! Dogs at sea! How cool and original! When I heard the idea of a pirate town, it sounded incredibly generic, but the way it is executed in HotA makes the town interesting and pretty fun to play as; though, calling it a pirate town isn't necessarily the most correct term to use, given that approximately four of the fourteen units are actually pirates. Of course, with the Cove town comes two new hero classes: the Captain (might) and Navigator (Magic). Both of these are good. And the music. The music's good too. It's good music. You should listen to it. Go do it now. I'll help you with that: here.

There are more towns planned, but as of this review, they have not been released yet. Also worthy of mention is that a few of the creatures from other towns have changed appearance; specifically, the Pikeman/Halberdier, Dendroid Soldier (I haven't actually seen what it looks like), and the Orc/Orc Chieftain (they look like ugly pigmen).

Secondly, let's talk about them campaigns. Right now, there are only two (both centered around the Cove), but I really like them. The campaigns themselves are fairly straightforward, but I can say that I enjoyed them more than I did WoG's campaign(s)... except for the timed "Flag all Creature Dwellings" mission in the first campaign... those are never fun. The campaigns offer a well-devised introduction to the new town, and still, in my opinion, fit in well with the general theme of being faithful to the original game and its expansions. I hope future campaigns (which will most likely be developed... "when" is another question...) will follow in the same fashion.

Finally, let's talk about that map editor before we (meaning me) sum things up. The aesthetics of the editor have been changed- in completely positive ways. No longer are all the buttons tiny little squares that you always inevitably end up missing with your clumsy mouse navigation. Now, the buttons are increased in size and detail; overall, it's a simple but great change that doesn't take long to get used to. The objects added are another nice addition to the editor (and you can place snow-covered objects on non-snow terrain ), and, as far as I can tell, are adequately named, rather than just being labeled as "OBJECT."

In summary, although Horn of the Abyss arguably isn't as flashy as WoG, its comparative simplicity is a good thing for fans of the classic HoMM III and want something similar, that adds something more to the gameplay experience, but doesn't completely alter the way the game works (aside from balance fixes, which are always welcome). Plus, there are plans to expand it even further, and since both the HotA Facebook page and Heroes Community thread are still very active, we can be assured that this will happen. Eventually.

Also of note is that the instructions for downloading the game tell you not to install HotA in the same HoMM III Complete file as WoG... let's just pretend I didn't do that, m'kay? It certainly can't cause anything bad to happen, right? R *CRITICAL RUNTIME ERROR*

Pros:
+ Good new town.
+ Good campaign.
+ All the other new stuff.
+ New stuff works well with old stuff.
+ More new stuff coming at a later time.
+ I don't think there are as many translation errors!
+ Bigger buttons on map editor for people with bad touchpads.
+ "Snow objects on non-snow terrain" is still a thing.

Cons:
- Orcs and Orc Chieftans.
- A little sparse in its current state.
- I do not play Heroes of Might and Magic to flag all creature dwellings on a godforsaken island in three months.

Final Score: 8.4/10

Reviewer Notes:

• Two dolla! Two dolla!
• Forge is probably going to be the next town added. Has the day finally come? Are we ready to experience it?

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Family Dog (SNES)

"Am I dead yet?." - JonTron (Jon Jafari)

This game. This game.

Family Dog for SNES. It is based on the TV series Family Dog. The TV series was created by Brad Bird: y'know, the guy who directed Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. That Brad Bird. With a basis like that, how could you go wrong with a video game for the SNES, one of the greatest consoles of all time, home to such amazing games as Final Fantasy VI, Super Metroid, and Yoshi's Island! I don't know, but they did.

You start the game up, and after the initial menu, you are presented with one of the most lovably derpy dogs I've ever seen in a video game.

D'aww.

If you're anything like me, you then proceed to test out the controls, which consist of jump, run, sonic bark. Nothing unusual there- except for the fact that the dog can do a backflip: now, that's one talented dog! Well then, this game is shaping up nicely!

The sonic bark, it turns out, is your only attack besides jumping... and, quite unfortunately, it's limited. What kind of a dog can only bark a few times before it can't bark any more? That defies logic! I know no such dog.

This is the face of pain.

Then you move to the right, and everything tries to kill you. A bouncy ball, a spinning top, a cat, a boy (what kind of family is this?), and even FLYING BOOKS. FLYING BOOKS try to kill you (what kind of family is this?)! I'm not sure whether to be afraid of this game because it's like some sort of nightmare, or admire it for its daring conformity. I mean, this can't just be a peaceful game where you're a dog and you do stuff- this has to be a game where you kill enemies just like any other game, platform like any other game, and play like any other game! Also if you crouch on the TV bones comes out. That's not natural.

This is your new life. Enjoy.

The game plays fairly normally (can you describe this game as "normal"?) until you get to a part of the level where you're being chased by the boy (the same one who attacks you earlier during the level). HE TRIES TO KILL YOU AGAIN. You run, and run, and jump over toys that get in your way (but don't hinder the boy at all) until you reach the other side of the room. THEN, the boy wants to play ball with you! One minute, he's trying to kill you, and the other he wants to be your friend! I do say, that kid needs to see a psychiatrist.

If you don't catch the ball, you run into...

...this...

Given the ominous jingle that plays, you expect to fail and be forced to try and catch the ball again. Well, that's not what happens... you're sent to another level, that highly resembles the first, except a little different! STOP SENDING ME MIXED SIGNALS, GAME! It's never right to do! After you're done this level, there's another chase sequence (with no fetch sequence after that). Then, you're deposited into the kitchen. This next level (?) brings new meaning to the words "Hell's Kitchen." There are killer blenders, killer toasters-which-shoot-out-killer-minitoast, and killer... dustpans. All while that nasty, ugly boy is running around beneath you with a vacuum cleaner. What's his motivation? Where are the parents? What is this game?

I'm completely serious.

Thar' be demons at work here.

Eventually, you learn to accept it all. You don't want to play the game any more, but you do anyway. You don't question the game, you don't try to fight it anymore; you just... it just... is. The game is not life, this game is not death, this game is not Hell, this game is not Limbo. The game is.

Pros:
+ Dog
+ Dog
+ Dog

Cons:
- Dog
- Dog
- Dog

Final Score: 3.8/10

Reviewer Notes:

• The body wouldn't melt so I put it in the pie.
• The pause screen says "PAWS"! Geddit!?!?
• I'm testing out reviews with pictures in them; they might become occasional things.

[Maelstrom]

Sounds like it would make a good jontron video.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

My brother said the exact same thing!

[braix]

I love this dog.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Gain Ground (Sega Genesis)

"♫ Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination... ♫" - Willy Wonka

Gain Ground is an interesting game, and that's all that really needs to be said about it... but where would the fun be in that?

The story of the game is simple (and is not mentioned in-game at all, except when it is briefly referenced in the ending): It is the year 2348. The good ol' government, worried that mankind's instinct to wage war is fading after a long era of peace, has decided to develop a simulation system (title drop) to... make people want to wage war again...? That aside, as you'd expect, the system went rogue (and potentially gained sentience?) and kidnapped a bunch of people. Three heroes enter the Gain Ground system to rescue the people and destroy the system!

The gameplay is described as an "action-strategy." With action, and with strategy, what's not to love? I mean, you've got two great genres put together, and...

All these guys.

You start with three characters, and as you progress, can find various captives spread across the map. To use them, you have to "collect" them and, while doing such, reach the designated exit(s); if any of the warriors you already have are injured in battle, you can do the same to rescue them. Now, these characters have names, but they're bad names. Thus, I shall christen them with new names as I see fit: in order, we have Tribesman Rauru, Coolhand McStoneface, Leif Erikson, Old Rambo, Bob, Radical, Old-Guy-With-A-Grudge-And-An-Assault-Rifle, Motocross Mac, Sally, Radical's Wife, Assassin Hunter, Ms. Death Stare, Otto, Colonel Pyro, Space Kook, Mister Falcon, Paladin, Nien, Stoic, and Samurai Kneel. Twenty characters is a fair amount, and I will, of course, go over each and every one of them- their weapons, general strategies, and etcetera. Worthy of note is that if you play in Hard difficulty, all of these characters are unlocked from the beginning; I, personally, found that this made it easier to complete the game, as you do not have to formulate a strategy for killing just enough enemies to escape with all the captives (in addition to the fact that having all the characters immediately gives you a bigger range of options).

Of course, Leif Erikson and Mister Falcon are the only characters you'll willingly be using for more than two levels.

HINGA DINGA DURGEN

Overall, there are 50 levels in the game, divided into 10 rounds each; at the end of each round is a boss (as one would expect). These bosses provide and interesting mix-up in gameplay, but usually aren't too difficult (except for those monkey demons and their long-range-fireballs).

Just looking at those monkeys makes me feel the burn of their fireballs all over again.

A strategy many enemies employ is to stand atop a wall, roof, or other barricade. One of the wonders of Leif is that he can hit such enemies; his long range, too, helps him reach enemies before they can fire at you. Especially in later levels, where range and speed are especially important. This is why he is clearly the superior choice for all but a few levels (which his missile-spewing companion is usually fit for); you have no reason to choose any other character except to destroy the walls leading to the final boss (unless you're this guy). They are not fit for combat. They are not heroes. They are failures.

This game, however, is not.

Pros:
+ Action/Strategy
+ Plot?
+ Brilliant characters.
+ Stunning character development.
+ WAR! WAR! WAR!

Cons:
- Monkeys. Not flying, though.
- Normal and easy mode are for the weak, and thus, they should not have included them at all.

Final Score: 8.2/10

Reviewer Notes:

• August 8th is Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbors' Porch Day; mark the date!
• Doing a one-character run with Colonel Pyro would be impressive. And, although he looks like M. Bison, Gain Ground came out before Street Fighter II.
• Speaking of monkeys, the next game I review will have monkeys in it.

[Maelstrom]

So.... basicly a less complicated, sci-fi Fire Emblem?

[BlackDragonSlayer]

It's not turn-based, and you can only have one character on the battlefield at a time (except in two-player mode).

[Maelstrom]

That makes more sense.

[mikey]

That willy wonka song always reminded me of the song of storms

[braix]

That willy wonka song always reminded me of the song of storms

Same >->

[Yugi]

Why is M.Bison one of the mercenaries?

[BlackDragonSlayer]

The Monkey King: The Legend Begins (Wii)

"Knowledge is power." - Francis Bacon

Let me start by saying that this game has my third favorite box art of all time, right behind Phalanx and Mega Turrican. Now, that being said, let me talk about the game!

Best.

When I first saw this game, I was shocked- I didn't know what it was, I didn't know what to do with it, I just... didn't know anything any more. I was left in a confusion, and dropped the box on the ground, where it lay until I finally decided to try it out. And let me tell you, never judge a book by its cover!!! Except this isn't a book, so I guess you could say that you should never judge a game by its box art!!! The game is a side-scrolling shooter; you can choose to play as one of two characters: Wukung or Mei Mei (I don't think there's a difference aside from their appearance, though: it's not like you can make a character in a side-scrolling shooter jump higher). Oddly enough, aside from the two-player mode, the game offers two modes to play the game in- "normal" mode, and story mode. The separation of these two modes seems a bit pointless; however, the story in story mode isn't spectacular anyways so it kind of defeats the point of having story mode in the first place, which justifies playing normal mode and... I don't know!?!? Why can't this game just be simple!

While this game excels in offering pointlessly complex menu options, this game offers extreme simplicity in terms of gameplay (I spoke too soon). You just shoot things as you scroll. Despite this, the gameplay still manage to be as strange as the rest of this game; how fitting.

This is one of those games where you start out extremely weak, but become more powerful as you progress (due to the collectible power-ups); now, this would be completely fine, but the difficulty of the levels does not scale to your power. This leads to the game becoming easier as you progress, with the first level or two being difficult, but the last few levels being quite easy. The imbalance is especially noticeable during the boss fights- I found myself struggling to defeat the first boss, but not having any trouble whatsoever on the final boss... what is TESTING a game!?!? Worthy of note, though (I suppose), is that you can tilt the Wii Remote to change the speed of the level (to make the pain go away faster).

Fighting a boss. Like a monkey boss.

On a final note, while doing this review, I discovered that this game is actually a remake of an older game, called Chuuka Taisen (Cloud Master), which was released for various systems, including the Famicom and Sega Master System. That certainly explains some of this game's shortcomings (the original is supposedly a mediocre game to begin with), but given how they deviate from it in the remake (adding a story mode, another playable character, a new final level, etc.), I think it would be fairly acceptable to beef the content up a bit. You can read more about the game here.

The box art does not compare.

Overall, the game is short and unbalanced. It is interesting to play once, but due to a variety of factors, the game just feels... incomplete. Perhaps if the game had more levels (or maybe a branching path somewhere in the story mode to give you another reason to play it?) and better balance it would be more enjoyable. As is, well, uh...

It's a quality coaster.

Pros:
+ Monkeys flying on clouds.
+ Coaster action.
+ Two-player mode? I guess that's a plus?

Cons:
- GAME.

Final Score: 6.2/10

Reviewer Notes:

• (ಠ.ಠ)

[Maelstrom]

"final boss... what it TESTING a game!?!?"