Maestro Plays Games Too!!!!!

[SlowPokemon]

"He swears like a mother-fucking and drinks like a horny cow on a field trip."

I am trying to comprehend this statement but I legitimately cannot

[MaestroUGC]

New Super Retro Bros.
What happens when you realize you can do whatever the f*** you want with your IP and people will love it

So one day the Nintendo decided to make another video game. They were pretty good at doing that, y'know? So what did they decide to make?

Another Legend of Zelda? No.

Another Kirby? No.

Another Pikmin? Pfft, those games aren't real.

Another Mario Game? F*** yeah!

So Nintendo decided to make another  run and jump game for the Dises. But they also decided to sniff all the cocaine.

So they did.

Bam!

And then you get New Super Mario Bros. You run around as Murphettio high on 'shrooms and murder everything in your path. And it's awesome. He jumps like Lance Bass in a limbo contest at a party at his local YMCA. So he runs left, f***ing sh*t up, all wjile trying to rescue Dumb Broad, d***it. Press the run button and he burns down forests faster than a chihuahua chasing down the taco man trying to get his next fix. Press and hold it and runs itno the nearest pit like the fat paisano he is. Touch the not-runny-screen and he does all sorts of shit.

He runs left collecting all the coins he can Jew off the ground. He eventually fights Bowser or some sh*t like that.

Holy sh*t. It's not Rated M for Mario. One of the few Nintendo Games to ever not get that rating.
And by God, this game is a work of genius. One of the worst things I've never played.

Shit.

Score: New/Copy

Mature Content Warning

The above review is fine.

[close]

[MaestroUGC]

Wario World
Making the leap to 3D nearly 6 years later

So one day the Nintendo decided to make another video game. They were pretty good at doing that, y'know? So what did they decide to make?

Another Legend of Zelda? No.

Another Kirby? No.

Another Pikmin? Pfft, those games aren't real.

Another Wario Game? F*** yeah!

So Nintendo decided to make another run and steal game for the Gump. But they also decided to sniff all the cocaine.

So they did.

Bam!

And then you get Wario World. You run around as Wartis high on garlic and murder everything in your path. And it's awesome. He sucks like Christina Aguilera doing hookah at her boyfriend new year's bachelor party. So he runs aroung, f***ing sh*t up, all while trying to rescue his fortune, d***it. Press the run button and he runs down animals faster than the mailman trying to deliver an express package to his next stop before the post office closes at 6:00 in the middle of a snowstorm in August. Press and hold it and runs into the nearest pit like the fat f*** he is. Thouch the suck button and he turns into the first national bank of tits.

He runs left collecting all the coins he can Jew off the ground. He eventually fights the Hope Diamond, or some sh*t like that.

Holy sh*t. It's not Rated M for Muscles. One of the few Nintendo Games to ever not get that rating.
And by God, this game exists. One of the worst things I've ever wanted to play.

Damn.

Mature Content Warning

They haven't noticed it yet.

[close]

[MaestroUGC]

Kirby 64
The Crystal Shards

Blueflower said he hated my reviews. He said he doesn't understand them and proceeded to attack my character. I then told him I'd do a straight review of a game he chose. He chose Kirby 64. Here's what I think of the game in a no-nonsense, by-the-numbers, point-by-point review and critique of Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards.

Story:

Gameplay:

Music:

Replay Value:

Characters:

Writing:

Difficulty:

Final Thoughts:

Final Score:  /

[SlowPokemon]

Maestro, I absolutely adore you

[Zunawe]

If the world was this frivolous we would never get anything done, and it would be glorious.

[MaestroUGC]

It would mean no more war.

And also no more food, because we wouldn't produce any more.

But then we'd all be dead, which means no more war.

A simple, but elegant solution.

[MaestroUGC]

Maestro Reviews Slow Reviews Games
A NinMetaMusic Column

This dingus thinks he can get away with "decent internet journalism" and has some credibility by "actually playing the games he reviews." Well I'm here to say "Not in my neighborhood sister, if you want to review sh*t you goota do things my way."

So what better way to show him how than the strut around in front of him and mock him like a thirsty peacock attempting a sacred mating dance while eating hot coals made of forgotten dreams.

First you gotta get rid of all that honesty bullsh*t. Nobody cares if you want to express your opinions and some stupid game, so don't.

Second you gotta stop giving the little things scores to make them seem important. Nobody cares about the story. Nobody cares about the gameplay. And nobody gives a single damn about music around here.

Third you gotta stop talking. God damnit you take up alot of space.

Now, I will learn you the vital skillz to be as cool as JFK on the moon.

First, don't actually address what game you are talking about in the review. Nobody cares about what you're talking about, neither should you.

Second, you belittle your own review by using numbers and sh*t. Don't act like you can use some number consistantly like some smart valley girl.

Third, brevity.

And to show you how it all comes together, I will review your last review.

Slow talks about some bullshit

This gumpletund starts off by qualifying his review by calling back to other reviews. Continuity is fo p******. Slump- then goes on talking about some stupid game and how much he "liked it".

Liar.

Then he throws numbers at us like TI89 trying to find the meaning of true love. It fails and commits suicide, so thanks for that imagery. Skruill then tells me what I'll like and won't like! Thanks, man! I lack higher brain function to figure it out for myself so I'm glad you were thoughtful enough to tell me these things.

Score: awesome vs. lame

I win.

[SlowPokemon]

Yes you do. Yes. You. Do.

[Olimar12345]

How poetic.

[SlowPokemon]

"So what better way to show him how than to strut around in front of him and mock him like a thirsty peacock attempting a sacred mating dance while eating hot coals made of forgotten dreams."

My favorite line ever

[MaestroUGC]

Pap Smear 2
Ew. Gross.

So Mario is back to his old Aprils tricks! The broad gets kidnapped again, and Murt sets off to save her for the gajillionth time.

What?

Oh, sorry.

The gajillion first time. My mistake.

However this time Boxcar didn't do it. And Wart didn't do it. So who do it? There's only two...it. And Mario knew it.

Wait. What?

Ugh. Jus- Just cut that out.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention.

HE'S MADE OUT OF F****** PAPER!

So Mr. Stache runs around some stupid Not-Mushroom-Kingdom port and then finds himself on the moon, and then Hell.

Oh yeah, he makes some friends or whatever. He has a hammer too, and that's cool.

Bam, boom, pow!

He saves the day. He defeats Girl Satan. And then he rescues Girl Satan stupid fruitname.

Score: fish sticks/9

[ALPRAS]

Girl Satan was so freakin scary...

[MaestroUGC]

Donkey Kong County
Located just outside the Mushroom Kingdom, take exit 155

So, the dumpy klup has his own game now! Who'd of thought that would be a good idea? Apparently not Nintendo, since they tossed this "beloved" IP to those jack-holes at Rare.

What's the story?

I don't know, bananas or some shit. A bunch of alligators and other assorted anmphibians (who kall themselves Cremlings) stole them and Donk Ankh got mad and after them. He tears a bloody swath thought Kong Island (which is shaped like him. No, no video game designer knows how geography works) to get them back.

He has a smaller monkey to help him, which is clearly the superior option of the two.

The two reach the top of the island-head and then head back down to get on a boat to fight the bigga boss: King K. Rool.

Man, that's a dumb name. They all have dumb names, and apparently don't know what the letter "c" is. Although, you could argue that it's the illiteracy of Rarewhere?

Jump up, get banana. Jump down, get banana. Walk left, get banana. Walk right, fall into a pit. Win game.

God damnit, Rare ruined a perfectly goo character with an inherently bad idea.

What?

THERE'S THREE OF THEM?!?!?!?!

Score: love/three oranges





OH! King Krool!

I take it all back, this game is a work of absolute genius.




And by genius I mean utter garbage.

Score: grunt/growl

[MaestroUGC]

Super Mario World
A Tale of Dinosaurs

So the Super Nintendo needed a hit game to launch with. Why not go with Mert?

Super Mario World is a standard Mario adventure, filled with new friends and enemies, wonderful music, and new gameplay, mechanics.

All-in-all, a solid adventure.

Score: 7/feather