Maestro Plays Games Too!!!!!

[MaestroUGC]

Worms
Wipe them out, all of them

I love playing with Worms. Smashing them, smushing them, throwing, hitting, burning, otherwise erasing them from the space-time continuum. But what do I think about Worms, the games? Let's find out.

Worms is an Artillery game where the goal is to be the last team/man standing. You control four worms and an arsenal of awesome and inane weapons. Some are common and practical (bazookas, shotguns, mines), others are awesome but specific (flamethrower, dynamite, kamikaze). There are some that are tools for getting around (jetpack, ninja rope, teleporter), and others that let you run like a big baby (drill, girders, kamikaze).

And then there are weapons so awesome that their mere existence can mean the difference between victory and defeat (banana bombs, exploding sheep, anything with the prefix "super")

You aim and fire, and hope the wind doesn't blow it back in your face.

Score: Nailed it

I Wonder What's inside the Secret Box! You Don't, so Don't Bother Clicking.

You Just Had to Click Didn't You?

Bonus Episode!!!!!!
Shit, I forgot I had a Bonus Episode planned for today.

Uh.

Something Witty.

There, happy?

Score: Figure A/Column B

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[MaestroUGC]

Maestro's Top Ten Mario Kart Tracks !!APPROPRIATE NUMBER OF EXCLAIMATION POINTS TO CONVEY MY EXCITEMENT!!
Because I can't figure out which game I want to review next

Nobody asked for it, so I'm going to give it to you. I grew up playing the sh*t out of Luigi Kart throughout my life, so I thought I'd share my most favorite courses.

Number 10: Baby Park - Mario Kart: Double Trouble
Turn left. Turn left again. Go straight. Turn left. Turn left again. Repeat.
Seriously, this is the track to really test your Mario Kart skill. 9 laps, no items, Star Fox only.

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9: Yoshi Valley - Mario Kart 64bit Processing
When I was a wee lad of 9 years old I had the perfect route for navigating this mad maze of a Mario Kart track. One wrong turn could send you off of a cliff or straight into last(?) place. The fact that you can't really tell whose first and last until after you crossed the finish line is a thing of trolling beauty.

Numbah 8: Mario Circuit 1 - Supra Mayro Cart
The Alpha of Mario Kart tracks, and one of my favorites as its really a testament to the balance of skill and luck that the series trives on.

Lucky Number 7: Toad's Turnpike - Mario Kart 2
HALLEY SHIET!!! There's nothing more nerve racking than trying to dodge oncoming tracking TEN TIMES YOUR SIZE.

Number Sexy-time: Grumble Volcano - Mario Kart: Waggle Edition
There's something magical about racing as the ground is literally falling out from beneath you. It feels like you're trying to outrun the Apocalypse, and even more maddening as you get hit by a Fucking Blue Shell RIGHT BEFORE YOU CROSS THE FINISH LINE! GOD DAMNIT, TIM! FUCK YOU!!

Number Golden Rings: Royal Raceway - Mario Kart 64DD
A pretty straightforward course. Yep, some left turns. Some right turns. And then you go up, and up, and up, and up...

POOMP

Peach's Castle is also kind of cool.

Number Fo' Sucka: Maka Wuhu - Mario Kart 3DS
There's just something so peaceful about this track that I just love. It may be the tropical atmosphere that reminds me of Sunshine, but I really enjoy the courses that aren't a loop but are segmented runways.

The Magic Number: Wario Colosseum - Mario Mario Kart Kart
This magnificently massive metal monstrosity of a monumental magnitude is the longest and largest course in the Marp Karp series. It's so long that its default lap count is 2. Combined with the chaos that only Double Dash can offer, and no guard rails, means that this is the course the most either dread or relish. I, myself, go hardcore and race it on 9 full laps with chaotic items.

NUMBER F*CKING TWO!: Bowser Castle 2 - Mario Kart Super Kart Mario Circuit Kart Super Mario Kart Kart Circuit Kart
This is a drifting masterpiece with all of the right angles. Dodging all of the pits and Thwomps and other hazards is a true testament to skill, with very minimal dicking going on. Take that, Tim.

The Loneliest Number: Waluigi Pinball - Mario Kart Dii Ess
Woo man, this is my jam right here! Oh man, the folks over at Nintendo must have gotten a collective aneurism to create what I can only refer to as the most perfect track in the whole series. The theme is awesome. The difficulty curve is just right. And the music is one of the greatest pieces of video game music I've ever heard. And I've heard a lot of video game music. Man, who doesn't love funk? I do. Who wants to be a Pinball Wizard?

I'm sorry for that last joke.

The Rainbow Road Saga
You may have noticed a distinct lack of Rainbow Road in this collection. The Rainbow Road tradition always stands out as the grand finale of the series, and I've always considered them to be in a prix of their own. So I'll rank them here, with no explanation as to why and with as little pomp and circumstance as possible.

Mario Kart Super Circuit
Super Mario Kart
Mario Kart 64
Mario Kart Double Dash
Mario Kart 7
Mario Kart DS
Mario Kart Wii

Score: The entire point of this review was to individually rate these tracks from least to most favorite. Not only would giving a cumulative score not make sense for a thread that has as little semblance of sense as inhumanly possible, but it also defeat the purpose of rating these all in the first place.

Oh, fine.

Score: Hamster/Gerbil

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[Waddle Bro]

Yoshi Valley fucks bitches up.

nuff said

[Olimar12345]

^totes. Bitchin' review, btw, maestro. You really captured the beauty of mario kart xD

[MaestroUGC]

Banjo-Kazooie
Bear + Bird = Perfection

Perfect.

Score: Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life at last, I've found you!

[MaestroUGC]

The Neverhood
You've Never heard of this game int The 'Hood

The Neverhood is a PC game dating back to 1996. And it is magnificent.

Claymation? Check.
Off-the-wall Humor? Check.
Fantastic Music? So Much Check.

Our hero is Klaymen, a Klay person, and we are dropped into the game with no explanation or exposition. And I love it.

You go play now.

Score: Dum-da-dum doi doi

Seriously, check out the soundtrack.

Right now!

Do it!

Spoiler

DO IT NOW, Ya Greedy Bastard!

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[MaestroUGC]

Super Mario Galaxy
What the f*** are physics?

So Wal-Mart's back for a new adventure, and this time he's shooting for the starts. Seriously, he's shooting for literal stars in space by using other stars to get him there.

Why? Because Dumb Bitch got herself kidnapped by Bowtie and he's decided to become a living God. Fortunately Mario actually has God on his side.

So Marx tears a bloody swath through space to save the intergalactic whore, blowing shit up along the way. Yeah! Mario Galaxy! Fuckin' Rad!

Also the whole Universe collapses in on itself and Rosalina the Space God presses the reset button by sacrificing her children. There's a pretty heavy-handed newborn metaphor, but it's much better than...another Nintendo game starring a space traveler.

Music ranges from good to awesome to "We get it, you guys wrote the Mario theme, shut the F*** up already!" and back around to good.

Spoiler

Super Luigi Galaxy is far better.

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Score: Lumas/Einstein

[BlackDragonSlayer]

I agree completely with the score, good sir! Quite well said.

[K-NiGhT]

bump because review ALL the games!

[MaestroUGC]

Sorry, my gaming energies have been devoted to preparing for my Let's Play. Expect reviews to pick up in a week or so.

[K-NiGhT]

Sorry, my gaming energies have been devoted to preparing for my Let's Play. Expect reviews to pick up in a week or so.

i totally understand. i have so many unfinished projects right now it's ridiculous.

[MaestroUGC]

Yoshi's Story
Wait, what are they saying...?

This game has a reputation for being a love it or hate it game amongst gamers. Which end of the spectrum do I lie? I don't know, so let's find out.

The story of Yoshi's Story is a story of love, a story of determination, a story of setting what once went wrong right again. But above all else, the story of Yoshi's Story is a story about fruit.

So the Yushis wake up one day to find their "Super Happy Tree" (re: weed) stolen by Da Baby Bows and they went to get their stash back. And they were never seen or heard from again.

The End.




Then a bunch of Yumps hatch and they decide they're not going to f*** up like their folks and went to go raid Da Baby Busner's house to get their sh*t back. They set off on a epic quest in what is simultaneously the most adorable and horrifying adventure ever shown.

In order to progress the game, you choose a level out of a possible four. In each level you have to collect 30 fruits and three hearts. But you don't have to collect the hearts, they just determine how many levels are open in the next page.

The Bab-yuths run around eating everything, and shooting eggs (assumed to be unborn Babe Yuths) in order to eat more things.

Spoiler

Don't question me about the reproductive capabilities of the Yushths, nobody has ever been able to study them. Any information is based purely on speculation, as only a handful of people have ever gotten close enough to one without getting eaten first, and the associated Yuthle-flumps have been routinely thrown off of cliffs shortly thereafter.

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Once they reach Babsters place they beat him up and take their shiz back, yo. All accompanied by the most sickeningly adorable and catchy music all the while.

And then they all get "Supper Happy" (re: high as ballz) and lived happily ever after.

The End.

Score: Be careful/Ow-wahwahwahwahwah

[Dude]

Oh my god.

I never knew that about the hearts until just now.

What is wrong with me.

[MaestroUGC]

Conker's Bad Fur Day
A Cautionary Tale

So one day the Rareware decided to make another video game. They were pretty good at doing that, y'know? So what did they decide to make?

Another Donkey Kong? No.

Another Diddy Kong? No.

Another Mandolin and Fife? Pfft, those games sucked.

Another Squirrel Game? Fuck yeah!

So the Rareware decided to make another cutesy collect-a-thon game for the Ensixfore. But they also decided they wanted to sniff all the cocaine.

So they did.

Bam!

And then you get Conker's Bad Fur Day. You run around as a drunk-ass squirrel and just do shit. It's fucking awesome. He swears like a mother-fucking and drinks like a horny cow on a field trip. So he runs around, fucking shit up, all while trying to get back to his home, damnit. Press the jump button and flies straight to the moon like a tipsy Buzz-Fucking-Aldrin. Press it again and he hovers around like the ginger bastard he is. Press the not-jump button and does all sorts of shit.

He goes around the place collecting all the money he can snort. And eventually uncovers a secret plot to assassinate the Fairy Panther King and usurp the throne by a bunch of fucking Teddy Bears lead by a Goddamn Weasel.

Holy shit. It's Rated M, for Mother Fucker. One of the few Nintendo Games to ever get that rating.

And by God, is this game a piece of shit! One of the best things I've ever played.

Fuck.

Score: Tits/$$$

Mature Content Warning

I swear up the ass in the above review. If you have a problem with me saying "fuck" and "shit", take your bitching somewhere else. Bastard.

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[Olimar12345]

Dat spoiler FTW