Maestro Plays Games Too!!!!!

[Nebbles]

best review yet

[MaestroUGC]

MAESTRO'S MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!
Lego Racers
Your Childhood: Now Streamlined to Perfection

Holy sh*t, a Lego game on the N64! They combined my two favorite things growing up: Legos and Not Moving.

Plays like your typical kart racer, you can custom build your own cars (Take that Nuts and Bolts!) but it just for cosmetics, the pieces don't effect the kart's performance in-game. It's got stackable power-ups, much like Diddy Kong Racing, but you need to collect power-neutral blocks to do it. There's really only one power up you need: the Green block - Turbo It's top form literally warps you half way down the course, and not into a wall!

Score: It's Lego Racers! F*** you, Dad!

[Olimar12345]

Thank you, Maestro. Right when I think I can't possibly agree with you any more, you whip up this elegant poetry.

[MaestroUGC]

MAESTRO'S MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!
Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2
Einstein Fucks up Hitstory

I enjoy a good RTS, and Command and Conquer make some good RTS's. The first game in this series is just playing out the idea "What if Hitler never came into power because Albert Einstein uses his time machine to shoot him?"

The political answer is that with Hitler out of the way, nobody is there to keep the Soviet Union in check and they start World War II, only without the mass genocide, so arguably its a better scenario. So the Allied Nations fight the Soviet Union and win because 'Muricah.

The Sequel picks up a few years later, and the new Soviet Prime Minister feels like nows a good time to take his revenge for their last defeat. So they launch an all out invasion of the U.S. and Europe and kick the Allied Nations' collective asses right out of there. 'Muricah still wins in the end.

The campaign railroads you pretty hard as far as what you are allowed to use and when, but the game follows the usual formula of Build>Develop>Fight>Repeat>>Win.

There are nine nations to choose from in the multiplayer, each with their own special unit to command:
Allied Nations (Basically the U.N.)
America - Paratroopers (Hallelujah, it's rainin' men)
Great Britain - Sniper (One-shots infantry)
Germany - Tank Destroyer (One-shots most tanks)
France - Grand Cannon (Really big gun)
South Korea - Black Eagle (Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger plane)
Soviet Union
Russia - Tesla Tanks (Nikola would be proud)
Iraq - Radiator (Radiation for everyone!)
Libya - Demolition Truck (Stuff blowing up)
Cuba - Terrorist (...uh...)

Yeah...the Soviets are basically Terrorists from the '60's. Also they have psychics and clones and nukes. The Allies just have superior technology and spies and concentrated beams of destructive light and teleporting soldiers that can phase things out of existense.

Also they mastered Time Travel by the time the expansion came, so that's something.

Score: UNIT READY, INSUFFICIENT FUNDS

[MaestroUGC]

MAESTRO'S MISSING MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!
Mario Party
Ruining Friendships since 1998

HOLY SHIT!

IT'S F***** MARTY PASTRY!

THAT'S SHIT'S DELICIOUS!

So what is this bullshit? Bullshit. This bullshit is bullshit.

You can't win based on skill, cause some jackass will either steall all of you coins or land on Chance Time and screw you over or land on Bowser and FUCK EVERYTHING UP.

You can't win based on luck, because you can't get lucky when playing with the Devil's Plaything.

You can't win based on being non-threatening, because this is Mario Party, we play to the death.

So what do you do? Collect coins. Why? To buy stars. Why? Because Fuck you Toad, that's why.

Oh and the minigames. Oh, THE MINI GAMES. Some are ok. Others are button mashers, which are bullshit. Others still are based on luck, which is bullshit.

And then there's Tug of War. TWICE. Good God, Tug of War. Lucifer himself could not devise something as tortuous as this. You know the spinning Bowser mechanic from Marx Brother's 66? Take that, and weaponize it.

And then give it to 6 year olds.

I have no friends now. Nobody wants to play with me. This game has marked me for life. Scarred me for life. I pray none of you have to share my fate. Go, run, run far away. Run from this endless nightmare. Escape now with your sanity and social life intact!

No! Not you Toad! No, NO! Ah! No! NO! Not Chance Time! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Score: Chance Time! I'm so alone. It's so cold...

[Yugi]

It's Wendsday.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Score: Chance Time! I'm so alone. It's so cold...

It actually helps to build friendships and bonds when you're trying to take down an NPC who's in the lead. But I digress!

It's Wendsday.

That, good sir, is the sheer brilliance of it all. Nobody would ever think that a "MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY" could ever take place on a Wednesday.

[MaestroUGC]

In a few weeks expect something absolutely special to come from this thread.

[MaestroUGC]

Paper Mario
The Not-Super-Mario-RPG Sequel

So what kind of shit is Marno going this time? Welp, looks like someone cast a papyrus spell cause everthing has the depth of a sheet of paper. It looks like Bowser kidnapped Peach's Castle, with the broad still inside so he gets a point for cunning. Mario is quickly ejected from low orbit and killed on impact.

It was a short game, but there's the usual "You're the choen one" bullshit that keeps K-Mart alive. Turns out that the only way to stop Bowf is by collecting some trading cards that are magic. So Mario does that, and makes a few friends along the way, and murders absolutely everyone standing in his way.

Once again the day is saved, thanks to mass murder!

Also, I'm not too sure, but I think Marionette has a bit of a mental deficiency. Oh well.

Score: When in doubt, beat them to death with a hammer.

[MaestroUGC]

Super Smash Bros.
Nintendo's Answer to Mortal Kombat

Who would win in a fight, Mario or Luigi? This is the game to solve that age-old question.

So you pick some characters from Nintendo Franchises and duke it out in mortal combat. Mario, Kirball, Yush-Yush, Mule Monkey, Captain Douchebag, Fennec McCoolname, Samus Not-man, Pikamin, NES, and Jiggle Giggle.

Then you pick a place to fight. And then you fight. The loser was robbed of a sure victory, the winner is a cheating bastard.

Also Luggy is in the game. Good for him.

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You fight Glover at the end.

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Final score: `/¨

[SlowPokemon]

JIGGLE GIGGLE OH GOD I AM DYING

[blueflower999]

Final score?

[MaestroUGC]

You got me, I have no authority to review viddy gams anymore. Without a score I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about.

9/Tetris

[MaestroUGC]

Look at this thing I haven't posted in in two weeks.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

[Yugi]

Maestro your avatar broke.