Maestro Plays Games Too!!!!!

[blueflower999]

See Maestro? It wasn't THAT bad, was it? 

[K-NiGhT]

i'm sure it was absolute torture for him you have no idea the amount of pain he's probably feeling right now inside himself

[MaestroUGC]

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I spend all of my free time writing music or some sh*t like that when I should be playing video games like a productive member of society. So, like any grown, well adjusted and mentally stable adult I decided to abandon all hopes at a successful music career and invest all of my time into reviewing video games for the internet. And we all know that music is not profitable anyway and I'm a terrible musician anyway so this is clearly the better option to take.

'Cuz money.

Wii Music
Ah shit.

Remember the Wii? What are you doing? Wait. Stop! Pull your pants back up!!! Jesus Christ what king of show do you think I'm running here?

Pervert. The sex scene isn't until we review Dig Dug, if you know what I mean.

What? No, not now. Wait for me in my dressing room, you big stud.

Leave the pants...

So yeah, the Wii. Nintendy's greatest hit to date, and with it came a whole bunch of waggle games for you to shake you Wii around to entice young ladies to approach you and tell you to stop before they call the cops. And what was the greatest of the bunch?

Nintendo Land

But we're not talking about that one, we're talking about Wii Music. This game is basically Guitar Hero, by which I mean nothing like guitar hero at all. Guitar requires some level of coordination and no prior musical ability to succeed, whereas Wiisic takes no physical coordination and actually expects you to be a goddamn virtuoso in every instrument possible.

Piano? Press down and hit a button.
Drums? Swing down EXACTLY ON THE BEAT OR ELSE SATAN WILL EAT YOU MOM AND FEED YOUR PETS UNTIL THEY EXPLODE
Violin? Paganini's only.
Dog? Now you're just joking, aren't you?

Wait seriously?

GODDAMNIT NINTENDO! You can't be doing this shit and expect to get money. This is why nobody likes you. You're like the weird kid in class who knows all about the Math and passes all the tests yet you spend recess trying to show kids your "authentic piece of a Russian spy satellite that fell in your backyard which totally makes you qualified to be a space spy and fight Space Hitler or whatever the f*** you think you're doing on top of the swing set."

God that kid was weird. Max if you're reading this I want you to know how weird you were when you were eight. Like seriously. You were and odd boy.

And I didn't even go into you playing Pokémon all the time. "Yes I know you have a Charizard, Max. You tell me everyday." I'm still pretty sure you were talking about your Wii.

Wierdo.

What was I talking about, Wii Music? Oh, right.

So you can Music it up with friends. Though I don't know why you would play this game if you had music-type pokefriends. They call it a "Jam Mode." I call it "Stupid."

You can also conduct an orchestra in a mini game call "Mii Maestro".

WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO?!?!? That is straight up copyright infringement on my trademark. I'm going to sue you and take over your company and make it less sucky. I'm going to start by making a game where you can fight Space Hitler in space and call it "Kill Space Hitler".

Because fuck Hitler.

And there's some other music bulls*** and god this game is just, I don't even know where to begin. It's like if Nintendo tried to get in on the Guitar Hero action but ignored why it was so popular in favor of unintuitive gameplay and waggle controls. Of course they would later just port Guitar Here over to the Wee and let everything be terrible for everyone equally.

Because equal rights are important and Guitar Hero is the worst thing.

Score: 3 bars/7 moons

F*** this, I'm going back to the music thing.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

F*** this, I'm going back to the music thing.

With Maestro abandoning his review thread, I take over the world... of silly game reviews... :3 Do you want to condemn your fellow NSMers servants to that fate, Maestro?

I always liked the Galactic Horn in Wii Music.

[MaestroUGC]

With Maestro abandoning his review thread, I take over the world... of silly game reviews... :3 Do you want to condemn your fellow NSMers servants to that fate, Maestro?

They didn't deserve me anyway.

But I'm not going let some tart think he's going to just review games because he wants too.

I will be back.

[MaestroUGC]

The Wonderful 101
Or: 101 reasons to finally buy a Wii U

This is probably the best game on the system (Pikmin 3 notwithstanding because I have yet to play it). Imagine if a side scrolling beat-em-up got in on with the game engine from Pikmin and had a beautiful, awesome baby.

How should I describe the Wonderful 101? The gameplay is intense and the pacing is spot on for the most part. Of course, that's only if you are terrible at it, which you will be for about the first third of the game. Seriously the learning curve is so steep you'd have in easier jumping from the earth to the moon. The game can drag on at parts, but there are enough variations in the challenges to keep things moving. But what about the gameplay makes W101 such a unique experience?

The Unite Morph.

Throughout your adventure you'll find other heroes and save a few citizens, who all act like Superpower Ammunition of sorts. This is where the Pikmin part comes in as all of these individuals are used to make up a far bigger whole. In order to engage a Unite Morph, you can either draw the necessary shape on the gamepad or with the left stick. The gamepad is probably the faster of the two options when you're trying to learn them, but the right stick is far easier to coordinate with other movement and actions. The more Wonderful Ones or civilians you have, the bigger and more powerful the Morph will be.

Throughout the game you will learn different Morphs, as well as some upgrades and general abilities. I won't list them here because the are quite a few of them and I believe this is a game that should be experienced first hand.

Well, since I can't tell you about the core mechanic of a new game, what can I talk about?

Oh yeah, the story. The writing in this game is some of the best I have seen in a long time. The premise is ostensibly a parody/lampshading of various Superhero tropes, most notably Power Rangers and old monster movies like Godzilla. Earth has been attacked by alien forces for a third time and the world calls upon their masked saviors, The Wonderful 1-double-oh.

The game opens as an alien invasion lays waste to the tranquil Blossom City; the mild mannered Will Wedgewood is on a field trip with his students. After he makes sure his students are safe, he springs into action and transforms into The Crimson First: Wonder Red

The team is led by Wonder Red, the newest member of the Wonderful 100 and chosen to led the team as they drive GEATHJERK from his home city. You eventually meet other member of the Wonderful 100 as you journey across the Earth to drive back and defeat the GEATHJERK Armada. And yes, there are in fact 100 heroes and they all have a unique name, outfit and personnel files. My favorites are Wonder Automobile and Wonder Pierrot the Sad Clown. The writing has a perfect balance of light hearted comedy and great seriousness as the fate of the world is at stake. And the story itself is a damn good one, there were even a couple of plot twists (ok, like, two) that genuinely surprised me.

And to help bring it all together is the wonderful soundtrack. It's so over the top it can't be anything but awesome. I mean, just listen to this!

Final Score:
9.5/10

The Wonderful 101 is the best game on the Wii U right now. It's that unsung gem that's just waiting to sweep you off you feet. So what are you waiting for? Go Buy a Wii U and buy this game. Yeah, I know I gave it a 9.5 and Mario a 9.8. My ratings are totally arbitrary, you should know this by now.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

The Wonderful 1-double-oh.

Wonderful 100

Wonderful 100

100 heroes

I feel conned.

[MaestroUGC]

Play the game and it will all make sense.

[mikey]

Still waiting for that Dig-Dug review...
:/

[MaestroUGC]

I remember a time where video games weren't a home activity, a time where people gathered to one location to partake in that sweet digital pastime, a time where a fistful of quarters was the only thing standing in the way of that high score.

Goddamn did that suck.

Dig Dug
Or: Dig Deg Dag Dog: the Dugging

Dig Dug is an arcade game. You control Dug, or whatever, as he tries to dig out of China into the US by tunneling through the center of the Earth. But the Chinese government does not like that idea so they send monster and shit at him to keep him in their prison state. The only thing standing between Doug and certain death is a bike pump he stole from some poor tourist on his way through boring his way through the mantle. How he uses this to advantage is pretty gross, so I'm not going to tell you.

Spoiler

HE SHOVES THE HOSE INTO THE BEASTS AND INFLATES THEM UNTIL THEY BURST LIKE A WELL FED COW IN THE VACCUUM OF SPACE.

[close]

So basically Subterranean Ghostbusters.

Now you might be thinking, "Maestro, surely this Herculean feat is one of epic proportions and Mr. Dig most best both the extreme elements as well as, I'm sure, a vast number of wild beasts roaming the underworld?" to which I say "...the f*** are you talking about?"

Nope, all Funny faces is a dragon, a begoggled tomato, and a rock. Core density, temperature, nor pressure can stand in the way of Mr. Shovel's escape from the Red Menace. In fact, the further he digs, the less challenges he faces along the way.

Eventually Dr. Duggles digs so far into the earth that he literally boils alive as physics finally kicks in and the Inner Core finally renders a proper 5430 °C.

Needless to say that's when the game ends. Music's good though. All one track of it.

At least Mr. Gud had enough foresight to dig his own grave.

Final Score:
6ft/25¢

Spoiler

I mean, typically people are buried 6 feet under, not 4 million.

[close]

[MaestroUGC]

So as part of my new tradition of something old, something new, I figure I might as well jump on the Hype Bandwagon^TM and review:

Mario Kart 8
Almost there, Nintendo. Almost.

A few months ago Mario Kart 8 released to great applause and admiration; but it wouldn't be Mario Kart if it didn't have things that want to make us punch Miyamoto himself for this great evil he wrought on this world. Being a Mario Kart game Nintendo has gotten the series down to a science, so it's just a matter of adding a new spice while keeping the old recipe delicious. Sometimes they get it right. Other times they just ruin the dish.

Fortunately this isn't one of those times.

Since Mario Kart is a formulaic game, this will be a formulaic review.

The Next Big Thing
Each Mario Kart game features some new mechanic to set it apart from previous entries in addition to keeping some older ones. MK8 sees a return of the bikes introduced in MK Wii and the gliding and underwater driving from Mario Kart 7, the previous two installments. So what did those wonderful people at Nintendo come up with for this latest and greatest kart racing experience?

DRIVING ON WALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mario games have breaking physics for years now, so it was only a matter of time before the only constant force in Mario Kart was thrown asunder in a fury of light and sound. With MK8 they introduce Anti-Gravity; whenever you're driving over certain parts of the track your car will engage in anti-gravity (much like underwater driving) and you can drive on the walls and ceiling like you're the King of England. An extra effect is that whenever you bump into another racer while in anti-gravity mode you can earn a small boost. While in anti-gravity the camera stays behind you for the most part, so it looks like you're still driving on flat ground; though it doesn't follow you perfectly so you still get the feeling that you're giving Misters Newton and Einstein the finger.

While this was the biggest addition to the game, they also added a replay feature for races which allow you to see some highlights from the game in slow motion!

Hands down this is easily the best part in the game.

The Roster
What would Mario Kart be without the classic Mario cast? Probably Pac-Man Kart, but I'll talk about that some other time. The Mario kart roster has a long and varied history, so I won't talk about the returning vets; instead I'll talk about the new guys. All in all, only a few of them are worth mentioning. Baby Rosalina is the next in a long tradition of baby-fying beloved Mario characters; beyond that there's not much to say about the cosmic toddler. (My money is that Baby Yoshi is next to go through Nintendo's Baby-fication Machine 3000.)

The Koopalings were a big feature in the roster this time around, and boy did that save Nintendo a lot of time in the planning room. I mean, there is just not much to these guys, not that there ever was in the first place. Also Wendy is the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed. And lastly we have Pink Gold Peach, which is probably the most fabulous thing I have seen in a Mario game in a long time. I mean, my God, there is so much right with the idea of her alone that I don't know how to process it all. At long last My Metal Mario+Metal Peach fan-fiction has come to life!

Item Play
What would a Mario Kart game be without items? Probably Forza, but we don't talk about that here. The items are a defining feature in Mario Kart and each iteration comes with its own bag of goodies. The new items for MK8 are the Piranha Plant, the Boomerang Flower, and the Super Horn. The Piranha Plant acts like an active shield, lunging out at other drivers and clearing out immediate obstacles in your way; it also has the added benefit of collecting coins for you and provides you with a small boost with each bite it takes. The Boomerang Flower lets you throw a boomerang and catch it, throw it again and catch it, and throw it a third time for it to shatter on your opponents' heads. The Super Horn is the second first time ever in a Mario Kart game that you have a chance to fight of the infamous Blue Shell of Doom; it produces a sonic blast which renders all nearby obstacle and drivers into atomic dust.

MK8 also features and upgrade to MK7's earlier item the Lucky 7, adding one more item to the rotation and calling itself Crazy 8. MK8 also removes MK7's Super Leaf, so there's that. The new items add some variety, but personally I don't think they should equalized the Great Equalizer (the Blue Shell). A real man knows how to deal with the Blue Menace.

Playing the Game
Now some would argue that being able to play the game is the most important aspect about the game in question. I am not one of those people, but I also believe that movies should be more static, so take that statement for what you will.

In a racing game the most important thing is being able to control your racing experience and actually feel like it. Each Mario Kart game has had some subtle and not so subtle changes made to the handling and control of the racing. Mario Kart 8 handles very closely to MK Wii while adapting the new elements from MK7. Because of the customization in this game, MK8 gives you the tools to build the kart/bike/buggy that you want. I've never been a big fan of the customization aspect, but I can imagine a fair amount of people prefer it over the random guessing game of finding the right kart from a list. The pace of the game itself is really good, though not quite as fast as I'd like. The performance at times feels a little lacking in some moments as well, but these moments are few and far between.

Overall it feels looser than I would like.

Races, Cups, and a Big Let-Down
What would a Mario kart game be without some kart racin'? F****** Galaga, what kind of question is that? When it comes down to it, the actual racing in this game is King. And I gotta say, this is so close to what I'd like Mario Kart to be that I'd consider the racing in the game to be almost perfect. Almost.

I'll start with the Grand Prix's. In grand Mario Kart Tradition you'll race through 8 cups of four courses to prove you dominance over your opponents. My personal experience with them over the years has primarily been of using them to learn the courses before playing them against real people. This game was really no exception, since the computers aren't much of an issue ever in these games. For the most part, anyway. One change they made is that you'd only have to unlock the cups once in one engine class to unlock them for multiplayer in any class, so that really expedited the fun process. All in all they've gotten the Grand Prix's down to an exact science about 6 iterations ago, so there's not much else to say about them at this point.

The VS. Races have always been the meat of the series and this game is no exception. The VS element in MK8 is spot on and lacks for nothing. Whether it's local co-op or online tournaments, Nintendo knows what they're doing and crafted one of the most perfect multiplayer experiences. A changed element of the racing is the recovery. Traditionally when you fall off the course Lakitu will come to your rescue and drop you at the same spot you fell, usually at a delay of about 4-5 seconds. Now they've changed it to Lakitu Grabbing you almost immediately after you fall and dropping you at a spot where you would be had you not falling, making the only detriment to falling be a loss in speed and coins.

In fact there is really only one truly negative thing about this game: Battle Mode. Wow, Nintendo. Talk about a swing and a miss. Let me give you a run down; the pacing is atrociously slow, the action is almost non-existent, and the direction they decided to create the battles in was just odd on confusing. First off, they didn't create specific courses tailor made for Battle Mode; instead you just duke it out on a few race courses, which means that you have the entire stretch of the track to do battle on. Now this is almost mitigated by having a full roster of 12 racers on, but if it's only a handful of people it makes it almost impossible for you to find someone to attack or be attacked by! Second, because of that fact it makes the battles slow and dull, and because they set a time limit of only 2 minutes(!) you spend most of it finding your opponents and maybe about 30 seconds actually fighting. Third, by going this route they give up the golden opportunity to have possibly one of the greatest multiplayer mayhem experiences this side Bomberman. They could've instead crafted 6 tailor made arenas, heavily featuring anti-gravity and the other driving modes and foster some intense off-walling carnage. Hell, the easiest and most obvious arena would be a giant Globe of Death!

To make a long story short: Battle Mode Sucks.

Online Mayhem
Ever since Nintendo wised up and started following Microsoft and Sony's online integration models their internet experiences have increased ten-fold. Racing against friends is streamlined, racing against strangers is much faster to set-up, no more friend codes, and little to no lag in the races. Every now and then you opponents will occasionally fall off the map and just pop back into place, but the engine does a great job keeping track of the racers while racing online so it's not much of an issue in the long run. Battle Mode still sucks.

Tracks Galore
Now what would a Mario Kart game be without some race tracks? Pong.

The race courses are what sets Mario Kart Apart from other racing games, they're what we remember more than the glory and frustration races well won and lost. The addition of anti-gravity allowed for some interesting and novel approaches the course building, and also led to some genuinely great re-imaginings of the Retro tracks. Most of the Nitro courses are sure to become immediate classics to the series, with a few non-starts that leave a bit more to be desired. However the Retro re-workings seem to just have the anti-gravity and other features just pasted on to them if only to just have them there. A few of them genuinely changed the look and feel of the tracks, but most of them are just there for posterity.

I'll probably post a 5 and 5 Best/Worst tracks list for this game at some point, so I'll just talk about some thing I would've liked to see or changed with the tracks in this game. Firstly the anti-gravity in the retro courses is almost non-existent. They could've done some really neat things with the older ones, especially the more flat courses from the first two games. GBA Mario Circuit showed that they could've done some neat things to these courses, if only minimally. N64 Rainbow Road is probably the only Retro course that they actually devoted a lot of change to and it shows. In fact they should've swapped out some of these courses with other choices. Personally they should've brought back Wario Coliseum and feature some truly impressive anti-gravity stunts. Hell that track alone practically foreshadowed this game's main feature and should've been a center piece for the Retro courses.

As far as the new courses go they really showed off what this game could be at its most wonderful. There are a few non-starts, but for the most part these courses lack for nothing. It's as if they spent most of their time and energies on building these 16 courses and sacrificed true rebuilding of the older tracks. Though it should probably be this way, as you generally don't want your older work over shadowing your new efforts, but a little more care would've been appreciated.

Final Thoughts
All in all Mario Kart 8 stands to become one of the greatest games in the series. The Anti-Gravity is probably the freshest change in the series since the Gamecube's Double Dash, but it's not enough to become my favorite of the series. Earlier I ranked my Top 10 Mario Kart Tracks , and if you noticed I tend to prefer tracks that are singular in their experience; tracks that have a defining trait that makes them stand apart from their neighbors. The fact the half of those tracks on that list got remade for this game made me both so very happy and very let down on a few of them. (But seriously, I totally called it.) Sure enough I can probably update that list and add in some of the new tracks to it, but I'll wait a bit and let the game age a bit before doing that, see which ones stand Maestro's Test of Times.

I've said this before while Let's Playing (though I don't think those particular moments have been uploaded yet) but Mario Kart: Double Dash is my all time favorite Mario Kart and the game I judge all the others' in the series by. This game is so close to that feel of MKDD that I'd probably call it my second favorite Mario Kart experience right now. It's just those few things keep it from standing at the peak like I feel this game should've been.

Final Score
9.0/10

So close, Nintendo. Just so, so close. Regardless this is another instant classic for the Wii U, so if you've ignored my reviews of Wonderful 101 and Super Mario 3D World you should really get a Wii U. These are only a few games for the console that I absolutely love.

Man this was a long-ass review.

Battle Mode is literally the worst thing in this game.

[close]

[mikey]

The Super Horn is the second first time ever

Lol can't you like drift to dodge the blue shells in Double Dash?

[MaestroUGC]

No, they changed how the Blue Shell worked in MK7. Now it stays on the ground like it did in MK64. It doesn't give you much room to escape it, but it may be possible to escape it with a well timed boost like in Double Dash but the timing is far stricter.

[Maelstrom]

Or a mushroom?

[MaestroUGC]

I do believe it's possible, but very hard to pull off.