The Adventures of Jesus And Friends

[insaneintherain]

Would you mind if I formatted this and printed it out for my non-christian friends to show them what the bible really means?

[SuperFireKirby]

DOEET. MY MESSAGE SHALL BE HEARD.

[insaneintherain]

DOEET. MY MESSAGE SHALL BE HEARD.

<3

[DrP]

[SuperFireKirby]

Oh dear me, is this another chapter of NSM's most beloved and hated bible retelling?

YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS, IT IS.

GENESIS PT. 5

The Story of Abraham Pt. 3
After the most tasty dinner, which seemed to have lasted, like, 7 months, the 3 bros got up and walked over to Abraham's window and pointed to Sodom and Gomorrah. "See those two cities, Abraham? They are filled with rooks, scrubs, and d-bags. God doesn't like any of those three things. So he's going to KILL EVERYONE." Abraham was shocked at this notion and didn't want to see either city to have it's shit rocked by the mighty hand of God. "WAIT GOD! What if not everyone in there is a scrub-cake or a hater? If there's at least 10 people who don't suck living their, will you spare the cities?" God, being a total bro, agreed to Abraham's terms and conditions.

Two of God's totally righteous bros decided to go to Sodom to see if they could find some people that weren't total dicks. When they got there, Lot, Abraham's nephew offered them a place to stay. But unfortunately for God's bros, there were a bunch of guys who thought they looked sooper hawt, and logically this crowd of men wanted to have sex with their sweet, sweet buttockses. Lot, being the good father he was, humbly offered his two virgin daughter's sweet, sweet buttockses in place of his guests. BUT NO, THESE GUYS JUST WANTED SOME OF DAT SWEET MAN ACTION AND BROKE DOWN THE DOOR TO GET AT DEM BUTTOCKSES.

It was at around this point that God proclaimed, "FUCK THIS SHIT." and flattened Sodom like a pancake, if pancakes were composed of heaps of rubble and dead chumps. But Gomorrah was not to be forgotten! God blew it up. And when Abraham awoke, he could smell the fresh scent of dead haters and scrubs. Not ten bros could be found in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Abroham(I like this spelling waaaaaaay more) then went to settle in the GLORIOUS land of Philistine. And Abroham was back to his old tricks again, claiming Sarah was his sister. King Albimelech caught wind that there was a woman in his kingdom he hadn't had sexy time with yet, so he drove his sports camel(it's like a sports car...but it's a camel) over to Abraham's house to introduce himself to this new PROSPECT. But, God, not wanting his main man Abroham's wifey to get schtuck by this king, came to Albimelech in a dream and told him, "YO, YOU TOUCH DAT GURL, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO SODOM? YEAH, BOY, THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN ALL OVA YO FACE! AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILIES FACE!" Albimelech certainly didn't want God to turn his face into a delicious pancake composed of scrub-cakes, so he backed off Abroham's gurl.

Albimelech later approached Abroham and said, "BRO, why didn't you just tell me she was your wifey! Now I've got God all up in my ear, shoutin' at me man!" Abroham thought he might be killed for his wife, that's why he kept it SEEKRIT. Albimelech, having way too much crap for his own good, gave a bunch of junk to Abroham as a peace offering. And God was appeased by said offering.

A year had passed since God had unleashed the ultimate shit storm on Sodom and Gomorrah, which meant Sarah was finally preggers! And she gave birth to Abroham's second son, Isaac. Isaac, would be in for a real treat in a few years time. Yeah, you people know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. But let's talk about that later. Now that Sarah had her own baby, she decided she hated the sexy servant lady and Ishmael again and had the sent away...again. This time they didn't come back, since God have given Abroham the okay to do as DAT BITCH, ehem...I mean Sarah said.

Later, when Isaac was in his youth God called up Abroham. Now, God, was a bit schwasted from broing it up at the bar in Heaven with his wingman, Michael; and so this was a bit of a drunk dial. Abroham, hearing a ringing noise, made a phone-shape out of his hand. He asked, "Hello?". God responded, "Yo, Abroham, my main man! What's happenin'?!?! You...you know what would be really hilarious? If you, um, if you took your kid up to a mountain and, like, killed him! Seriously man, that would be, like, fuckin' COMEDIC GOLD!" Abroham most certainly did not want to do this. I mean, maybe if it was a daughter since apparently they're worthless enough to be given away to crowds of men, but this was a child with a PENIS! He was important! So Abroham said, "Sorry God, you're a great bro and all, but I'm gonna have to refuse." God was appalled by this. "DO IT IF YOU LOVE ME."

Abroham had a tough choice to make. Was his fatherly-ness more important than his bro-ly-ness with God? OF COURSE NOT! That would make him the first decent father in this whole book, and we cannot have that. So Abroham trekked for three days with his son up to a mountain top and bound Isaac to a stone table. But right before Abroham was aboot to murder his son, God woke up from his drunken haze, with his senses regained. God quickly sent one his bros down to stop Isaac, and he got there just in the nick of time! Abraham then killed a ram instead, and there was much rejoicing. Mostly from Isaac, because he wasn't brutally murdered by his dad. And isn't that what we're all really thankful for when it comes down to it?

Sarah died at the young age of 127, and Abroham followed suit just a few years later at the also young age of 175, but only after having sexy time with another woman Ketura, who pooped out six more kids for him. I mean, he was still in his sexual prime at the age of one-hundred and something something, and Sarah was dead so her vagina was no good anymore, so it makes perfect sense! I think that's how I'll end this chapter, because there's really no point in even trying to stoop any lower.


NEXT CHAPTER WE'RE BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S TIME FOR MOSES, BABY!

[Bubbles]

how did I not see this before

ilu

[BlackDragonSlayer]

I dread.

Maybe I can find peace from this by finally completely memorizing all of the Ten Commandments (word for word).

[Waddle Bro]

Epic.

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┃┏━━┫┏┓┣┫┏━┛
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[Bubbles]

I dread.

Maybe I can find peace from this by finally completely memorizing all of the Ten Commandments (word for word).

Are you saying its bad? D: Like said before, all its doing is changing the viewing audience, while its still delivering the same message.

And I think I know them all word for word, whether I want/need/tried to or not

SFK Im assuming you went to catholic schools? Or did you actually sit down one day and read the whole bible

[Yugi]

And so the newer generation of NSMer's enjoy the most blasphemous story on NSM.

[BlackDragonSlayer]

Are you saying its bad? D: Like said before, all its doing is changing the viewing audience, while its still delivering the same message.

It's quite more than just that...

[SuperFireKirby]

Or did you actually sit down one day and read the whole bible

This. Except it took many, many days. It's really big book.

It's quite more than just that...

Yes it is. But the point isn't to celebrate the Bible, nor is it to mock the Bible(wellllllll...maybe a little bit). Hell, I don't even care if people find it educational or accurate or a new way to read a boring book. The point is to take this very serious book and make it very seriously ridiculous. Nothing else.

[Waddle Bro]

This. Except it took many, many days. It's really big book.

you read the entire bible???

you have too much free time

[SuperFireKirby]

Oh come now, lighten up. Most of the stories in the bible are nothing but stories. Any sensible Christian believes that.

-The Earth was NOT created in seven days, nor is it 5,000 years old
-People did not live for hundreds upon hundreds of years back in biblical times
- If the human race REALLY came from only two individuals, we would have died out from genetic mutations in a few generations.

I'm not lampooning Christianity. I'm lampooning an extended metaphor. Because that's what the Bible is.

[Yugi]

Super Smash Flash 2
[4:45 PM] slow: sounds like a super smash bros game where samus takes off her shirt
[4:45 PM] slow: dat emo hair
[4:45 PM] notshado: FINAL FLASH!
[4:46 PM] notshado: *other characters die of happiness*
[4:46 PM] sfk: Oh dear
[4:46 PM] slow: FALCON JIZZ
[4:46 PM] socialfox1: HAPPINESS PUNCH
[4:46 PM] sfk: that old guy who was on NSM's grandson is dissing my story!
[4:46 PM] slow: I saw that
[4:46 PM] sfk: I SHALL PUT HIMIN HIS PLACE
[4:47 PM] slow: honestly if people are offended, that's understandable-- they just shouldn't read it
[4:47 PM] socialfox1: Look what he did to my story.
[4:47 PM] socialfox1: http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5171.0
[4:47 PM] slow: don't comment if you don't like it
[4:47 PM] socialfox1: Go to the bottom post.
[4:47 PM] slow: that's what I do
[4:47 PM] slow: except when I don't
[4:47 PM] sfk: lol
[4:47 PM] slow: Olimar where do you work again?
[4:47 PM] slow: can't remember
[4:47 PM] sfk: IS IT A STORY YOU'RE WIRTING
[4:47 PM] slow: OH
[4:47 PM] slow: I SAW THAT
[4:47 PM] slow: XDDD
[4:47 PM] slow: "no it's a picture"
[4:48 PM] slow: shado's unhappiness beam is somehow making me very happy
[4:48 PM] olimar12345: kroger
[4:48 PM] slow: naughty guy, tinychatting at wo