Jokes

[SuperFireKirby]

^Agreed. I almost can't stand my bass player.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH CLARA CAN MAKE AS MANY FUCKING SOUFFLÉS AS SHE WANTS

BUT WHERE DOES SHE GET THE EGGS OR THE MILK?

[JDMEK5]

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?

Spoiler

Violins don't have spit valves.

[close]

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

I'm on a roll!!

[Bubbles]

What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?

Spoiler

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

[close]

This one hit me XD My dog gets really upset whenever I practice and stares at me panting furiously. Im not sure if its degrading or motivating

[Ragster]

Alright, I might have a few jokes up my sleeve.


Two men were sitting at a bar when the 5 o'clock news came on. It showed a man standing on top of the building, ready to commit suicide by jumping off.
"I bet you 5 dollars he jumps," one man says.
"Your on! He won't do it," the other says. The news then shows the man jumping off of the building. "Darn it! Here's your 5 bucks."
"Haha, I can't take your money. I tricked you. I already saw it on the 4 o'clock news," the man replies.
"Well I did too, I just thought he wouldn't be stupid enough to do it again!"


A blind man walks into a bar. There. That's the joke.


Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's mansion? No? Neither has he.


Umm.... I know I've heard a lot of jokes, I just never can remember them when I need to

[SuperFireKirby]

Why did the Freudian chicken cross the road?

It was fixated on the cock on the other side.

[FSM-Reapr]

Why did the Freudian chicken cross the road?

It was fixated on the cock on the other side.

wrong topic

[Yugi]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse, not understanding english, neighs, poops on the floor, and leaves.

[Clanker37]

Want to hear a joke?

My wage.

[fank009]

Want to hear a joke?

My wage.

I can think of something better...
My savings account

[FSM-Reapr]

student loan

get it

it's so ridiculously high

[fank009]

student loan

get it

it's so ridiculously high

While we are at high numbers...
How about Americas debt... now thats funny :/

[Ruto]

This was a comment on Jezebel! XD

Dan and Stan were sitting on a bench, wondering what to do. They only had $5 between them and they wanted to do something fun. Five dollars wasn't enough to go to the movies, get drinks at a bar, eat a nice meal or anything they liked to do.

Exasperated, Stan says "just give me the $5, I'll go in that Rite-Aid and find something. Just trust me, I'll figure something out." Dan gives him the five and waits outside.

A few minutes later, Stan emerges with a huge smile on his face. "Dan! I found the perfect thing! It's so awesome, you're never going to believe it!"

"OK...what did you get?" Stan proudly holds out a box of tampons. Dan says "What the hell did you get those for?!"

Stan says "Dude, read the side of the box. With these, we can go swimming, we can go horseback riding, we can play tennis...."

[TheZeldaPianist275]

Why was the lawyer crying?

Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

[SlowPokemon]

^Or you're Phoenix Wright.

[TheZeldaPianist275]

I like mine better