Jokes

[universe-X]

Umm, if there's a video of this skit, please send it/post it... Abbott and Costello are some of the most classic comedians you'll ever find.

You know, besides Chaplin.

[Winter]

Oh I wish. i could look though

Here,

http://videosift.com/video/Abbott-and-Costello-Buy-A-Computer

It's a remix..

[SlowPokemon]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

I LOLd.

[Winter]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius band? To get to the same side.

[SlowPokemon]

*BUMP BECAUSE I'M KINDA DEPRESSED*

Did you hear about the blood vessels in a relationship?

They loved in vein...

[Nebbles]

^omg why did I laugh so hard

[SlowPokemon]

A piece of string goes into a bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer.

The bartender refuses him, stating that he doesn't serve strings.

So the string, determined to be served, leaves the restaurant. He ties himself up, and ruffles his hair till he is unrecognizable. He walks back into the bar and requests a beer.

The bartender studies him for a second and asks suspiciously, "Are you that same piece of string that was just in here?"

The piece of string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

^still my favorite silly joke xD it's stupid how hard I laughed at that when I first heard it.

[Nebbles]

PFFFTTHAHA

Oh I love Chem jokes!

A man walks into a bar and orders H2O. His friend orders H2O too and dies.

I'd like to think of a good chem joke, but I don't want to make you guys sulfur.

[Clanker37]

Oh, my science teacher gave me this. Everyone was depressed because we all got it.


A boy looked depressed.

His teacher asked: "What's the matter?"

The boy replied: "Everything"

[Jub3r7]

that

is just

Oh man.

[Jamaha]

So a byte walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" "Parity error" "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

A cop stops Heisenberg who's speeding with his car. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", the cop asks. Heisenberg replies: "No, but I knew exactly where I was!"

e^x and 1 are walking when they see derivative heading towards them. "Oh no!", 1 yells, "That derivative is going to destroy me", to which e^x replied: "Don't worry, I'm e^x and I'm immune to the derivative!" So e^x walks up to the derivative and says "Good afternoon, I'm e^x". The derivative replies "Well hello there. I'm the derivative...with respect to y"

[Dude]

Where do felines go to drink?

A kit-kat bar

[FallenPianist]

So a byte walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" "Parity error" "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

A cop stops Heisenberg who's speeding with his car. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", the cop asks. Heisenberg replies: "No, but I knew exactly where I was!"

e^x and 1 are walking when they see derivative heading towards them. "Oh no!", 1 yells, "That derivative is going to destroy me", to which e^x replied: "Don't worry, I'm e^x and I'm immune to the derivative!" So e^x walks up to the derivative and says "Good afternoon, I'm e^x". The derivative replies "Well hello there. I'm the derivative...with respect to y"

Is it normal that I understood all 3?

[Jamaha]

Absolutely.

After all, having fun without math is just wrong.

[Sekter77]

So a byte walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" "Parity error" "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

A cop stops Heisenberg who's speeding with his car. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", the cop asks. Heisenberg replies: "No, but I knew exactly where I was!"

e^x and 1 are walking when they see derivative heading towards them. "Oh no!", 1 yells, "That derivative is going to destroy me", to which e^x replied: "Don't worry, I'm e^x and I'm immune to the derivative!" So e^x walks up to the derivative and says "Good afternoon, I'm e^x". The derivative replies "Well hello there. I'm the derivative...with respect to y"

I'm glad I get all of these too. The Heisenberg joke is classic!