Jokes

[Kman96]

My girlfriend called me a pedophile today, I said, WOW! THAT'S A BIG WORD FOR A SEVEN YEAR OLD!

O.o uh....

[Zunawe]

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   The lightbulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No.
Prosecutor: Do you know the penalties for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, and they're a hell of a lot better than murder.

Doctor: Sir, how did you break your leg?
   Patient: Well, Doctor, it was like this. Twenty-five years ago, I was on the road and it got dark and. . .
   Doctor: Never mind that. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.
   Patient: Well, twenty-five years ago, i was on the road and it got dark, and I needed a place to stay. There was only this one farmhouse near, so I knocked on the door and the farmer answered. I told him my situation, and he said, "Well, you can stay here, but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter." I said that would be okay, and I went up and crawled into bed. She was already asleep, and asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything was fine. She said, "Are you sure?" I said, "I'm sure." She said, "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" I said, "I reckon not."
    Doctor: What does this have to do with your broken leg?
   Patient: Well, this morning, it dawned on me what she meant by that, and I fell off the roof.

The town cop was parked outside a bar at midnight, watching for drunk drivers, when he saw a man stumble out the door, trip over the curb, try thirty cars before opening the door to his own, and fall asleep in the front seat. One by one the drivers of the other cars drive off, and finally the guy wakes up, starts his car, and pulls out of the parking lot. The cop pulls him over and gives him a breathalyzer test. The results show a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, and the cop is puzzled. He asks, "How can that be?" The guy says, "Well, tonight was my turn to be the decoy."

[TheZeldaPianist275]

-Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Hilary Clinton are all in a boat together.  The boat sinks.  Who is saved?

-America.

(sorry to all you democrats)

[Dude]

-Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Hilary Clinton are all in a boat together.  The boat sinks.  Who is saved?

-America.

I feel sorry for you. It must be difficult to have an IQ lower than a wooden pole.

[TheZeldaPianist275]

I feel sorry for you. It must be difficult to have an IQ lower than a wooden pole.

Thanks Dude.

[SlowPokemon]

I hate people on both extremes. If you're on the extreme end of either side, I must assume you're an idiot or extremely narrowminded.

[Zunawe]

Go independent! Wooo! I generally like liberal stuff, but I like the ideas of the politician I like. This is a jokes thread. Away from clashing political thoughts.

[Dude]

This

I feel sorry for you. It must be difficult to have an IQ lower than a wooden pole.

was me joking with you.

[Ruto]

You can replace those names with anyone depending on the situation and it could still be funny.

[Mashi]

These two guys walk into a bar...

But the third one is a duck.

[TheZeldaPianist275]

Thiswas me joking with you.

lol, I know 

These two guys walk into a bar...

But the third one is a duck.

I actually laughed.

[Kman96]

You can replace those names with anyone depending on the situation and it could still be funny.

Putting theory to the test:

"One Direction, Justin Bieber, and Drake are all in a boat together.  The boat sinks.  Who is saved?

-America."


...Success!!!

[TheZeldaPianist275]

Putting theory to the test:

"One Direction, Justin Bieber, and Drake are all in a boat together.  The boat sinks.  Who is saved?

-America."


...Success!!!

OH YES WIN

[Yugi]

A man walks into a bar.
He is an Alcoholic and his drinking problem is ruining his family.

[FSM-Reapr]

A man walks into a bar.
He is an Alcoholic and his drinking problem is ruining his family.