My Less-Than-Amazing Story

[SlowPokemon]

Okay, I'm taking Universe-x's advice and posting a story I wrote in March for a contest. It went on to win for all people in my grade in the school, then the county, then was sent to state and looks like it will not be chosen as I have not been informed. It's not going to be added to in any way... I don't see how it can...

I'm doing this against my better judgment, because it really sucks, so please don't criticize me too badly.

Oh, and note two things - the paragraphs have spaces between them, so I can distinguish (it probably wouldn't matter to y'all) and none of this is true. 

Here it is...

Coulrophobia

As far as I was concerned, clowns were nothing to be afraid of. Try telling that to my brother. He’s the biggest coulrophobic – clown fearer – in the world. When he was seven, my parents tried to cure him of this “highly irrational” fear by taking him to the circus.
Needless to say, it didn’t go very well.
As soon as my brother got there, he was excited as he indulged in cotton candy, popcorn, and even corn dogs. We sat down in our spots (according to our tickets) and suddenly he glanced up. The ear-to-ear grin was gone. A giant banner was hanging from the gigantic ceiling. On it, a clown’s face was depicted in many bright and gaudy colors.
Next to the clown’s grinning face were the words: “LIVE AND IN PERSON – PRAHS NIKEVS, WORLD’S FUNNIEST CLOWN!”
My brother began to sob, screaming, “No, no, no! No clowns!”
“What are you so afraid of?” I asked him exasperatedly.
In response to my question, he screamed even more loudly.
“Come on,” I said, picking him up and walking out of our seats.
“Where are you going?” said my father suspiciously.
“I’m taking him to the bathroom to calm him down,” I said innocently.
“Whatever,” my father said, but I could tell he was not impressed.
As my brother heaved and cried a bit more, he clung to my back. He was so busy wailing that he didn’t see me bypass the restrooms and, glancing around, enter the EMPLOYEES ONLY door.
I ducked around men in top hats and bearded women, fervently hoping no one would notice me and realize I wasn’t supposed to be here.
I nonchalantly headed into a hallway and found what I was looking for: a large purple door with a star on it. There was a notice on the door that proclaimed, “Do not disturb – Mr. Nikevs is preparing!”
“Where are we?” said my brother uncertainly. He had stopped bawling for fear of where I was going.
I didn’t answer him, but knocked on the door twice.
“Where are we?” my brother repeated nervously. “I want mom and dad…”
The door flung open.
“NO, NO, NO!” my brother screamed. “NO CLOWNS!”
Standing in the doorway was a seven-foot clown. His shoes were twice the necessary length (or so I hoped) and his bright red rubber nose shone in the light. He was wearing leather gloves and a small hat with a flower stuck lopsidedly into it. His bright lips were complementing his white-painted face.
How was it possible to be afraid of something that silly? I wondered.
“May I help you?” said Prahs Nikevs.
“Yes, Mr. Nikevs,” I said. “We…”
“Call me Prahs,” he insisted. I stared at him.
“Okay,” I said, frowning. “Well, Prahs…my brother here is terrified of clowns. I wanted him to meet one so he could see that they’re not frightening.”
We both looked at my brother, who had gone silent and was whimpering slightly.
“Hello, there,” said Mr. Nikevs happily.
He stuck a gloved hand out.
After hesitation, my brother tentatively shook it.
“H-hi…” he whispered.
“Guys want to come in?” Mr. Nikevs offered. “I could get you some free souvenirs…”
“Sure!” I accepted. We walked in and Mr. Nikevs left to get souvenirs. We sat down on a couch.
“Brother…” whispered my sibling. “…I don’t like him…”
“What do you mean?” I asked disinterestedly.
“His hands,” my brother began, but got a terrified look as the clown entered the room.
“Sorry, guys,” he said, “I’m out of the free stuff... Buddy?” he addressed my brother. “Are you still afraid of clowns?”
 My brother nodded shakily.
“Sorry,” I said apologetically, rolling my eyes. “I know it’s a stupid fear…”
“Oh, not that stupid,” said Mr. Nikevs oddly.
“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled.
“Oh, some people would call it quite…rational,” he said, grinning. He got up and locked the door.
“Um,” I said uneasily, “we should get back to our parents…they’ll be…wondering…”
My voice faltered as I watched Mr. Nikevs advance on us, still grinning in that strange way.
“Have you ever wondered…” he asked gleefully, “…why clowns…wear…gloves?”
I was quickly becoming coulrophobic.
“No,” I said, panicking internally.
I looked on with horror as the giddy Mr. Nikevs began to remove his gloves. Suddenly he yanked them off all at once and I screamed for my life.
His hand had no fingers. In place of them were ten razor-sharp, five-inch-long KNIVES. The clown laughed maniacally.
“Sometimes it’s not so WEIRD to fear clowns, is it!?” the lunatic giggled, shrieking. “Not so irrational, huh!” he screamed.
My brother was calm. Obviously upset, but calm.
“I told you,” he whispered simply. “I warned you all…”
The clown, still laughing madly, was advancing.
“Told you,” my brother whispered one last time, and then he was upon us.

“Dear, the boys aren’t back yet,” said a woman in the audience of the circus.
“…Give ‘em a couple a minutes,” suggested her husband.
“Strange…” murmured the woman, frowning. “The star of the show’s name is Prahs Nikevs. That could be an anagram for…sharp knives.”
“How odd…” mused her husband. “Is it part of his act?”
“We’ll find out,” the woman said, and continued to wait for two boys who would never come.

[TheLegend]

That's the end of it?  I want more!  Your post title is inaccurate!  I want it to be the more-than-amazing story!  

Feedback:  Ok, that was awesome.  I have to say some things about it, though.  

Standing in the doorway was a seven-foot clown. His shoes were twice the necessary length (or so I hoped) and his bright red rubber nose shone in the light. He was wearing leather gloves and a small hat with a flower stuck lopsidedly into it. His bright lips were complementing his white-painted face.

see the problem there?  

The door swung open, and standing in the doorway was a seven-foot clown, with humungous shoes twice the necessary length.  The crimson red rubber nose shone with an eerie essence, not to mention the strange leather gloves.  On the clown's head was a peculiarly tiny hat, complete with the flower stuck lopsidedly into it.  But the most menacing features of all were his bright ("red?") lips, standing out and complementing his white-painted face that didn't show even a single trace of normal skin.  

how I would write it, but just a small example.  You notive I never even used one "his" or "he."  Not that you can't use them, just not as frequent.  I used to have the same problem, and just fixed it this year.  So, no worries!  

Again, besides that one little faulty (but still amazing) description, your story is flawless.  I can understand why it got first in school and county.  A pity it wasn't chosen for state, but you still did a great job!  

[universe-X]

This was actually a really good story! I'm glad you posted it up here Loved the descriptions of just about everything, and if the readers couldn't understand a few words, the context clues were awesome. And the twisted ending, and the name: phenomenal!

Just a little tip on stuff like "..." That's not really how you would type it. Here's an example of how you should right it:

"And he was about to kill me. . ."

1 space in between each period, but no space next to "me". And if there's a word after, leave a space.

Otherwise, great piece of work done on an actually simple story.

[SlowPokemon]

I'm seriously happy right now.
I didn't expect that at all, and this isn't fake modesty.

Thank you both, immensely.

And yes, I think I meant to put red there, thelegend. Sorry.

[dahans]

I really enjoyed the story. (I loved the short sentences, they build up the suspense )

[SuperFireKirby]

Not bad. Not bad at all.

[SlowPokemon]

Okay, it's past June 15th and my story's still down...
If anyone wants, I'll put it back up. But only by request.

[TheLegend]

"Okay, it's past June 15th and my story's still down...
If anyone wants, I'll put it back -

"Me! Me! Me!"  piped TheLegend

" up.  But only by request!"  Finished Slow.

"I request that your clown story be put up because I cannot live without that story!"  Ok, not really, but I really like it.

[SlowPokemon]

It's up.

[TheLegend]

I never knew.  when you edited the first post a while ago, I didn't notice.  But I'm showing this to... to... *cringes as Slow grabs his throat*

"WHO ARE YOU SHOWING IT TO!!??"

[SlowPokemon]

Why am I even responding?

[TheLegend]

*pokemon battle music*

TheLegend challenges you to a battle! 

TheLegend sent out TheLegend!

Go, Slow!

*dun, dan dun dun, dun dun *

TheLegend transformed into Infernape!
Slow transformed into Slowpoke!

Slowpoke used amnesia!  Slowpoke's Sp. Defense rose harshly!

Infernape used Tai-Ji-Chuan!  Infernape got into position!

Slowpoke used psychic!  Infernape's HP is down to half!

Infernape hand-blowed Slowpoke!  A critical hit!  Slowpoke's HP is down to one!

Slowpoke used psychic!  Slowpoke learned that Infernape told his language arts teacher, his gifted teacher, his mom, his sister (and annoying brothers), his aunt, and his butt! 

Infernape is embarrassed!  Infernape karate-chopped himself！  Infernape fainted!

*happy music*

TheLegend:  I thought I could win.

TheLegend paid Slow nine thoughts!

[SlowPokemon]

...I don't think a comment on that battle is needed.

Anyway, I shall be uploading a longer, continuous story in the days (or weeks, depending) to come, maybe chapter-by-chapter as I write it (although I'm already 5 chapters in). I say depending because the computer I have the 5 chapters saved to has let its internet connection be... broken. I'm writing it and finding that I like how it's turning out.

If you're hoping for another horror story, sorry to disappoint. This upcoming story is something that I like to write more, and I think that I'm better at writing about. It's somewhat ridiculous and silly, it's unrealistic, it's weird, but I like it. While you may groan at some of my attempts to be funny, I laugh at them. And that's all that matters.

So, that's what's next on the List of Slow's Writing Endeavors!

Available wherever the story-telling topic board is, coming soon! Look out for it! Maybe next I'll unveil the title! 

[SlowPokemon]

Maybe next I'll unveil the title! 

Haha, got the title... Random Madness
Coming soon to a story-telling forum near you.

I'm about seven chapters in if you're interested.