The problem thread

[GreekGeek]

Well, it makes me feel kinda guilty since it may strike him as me still bein' in love with the guy before... Which I ain't, but still. I'm sure he doesn't like it, so I dunno what to do.

Gender:
I'm guessing you're gay...

Yeah, and proud of it

[Roz~]

Actually, I always wanted to have a gay friend 
Anyway, back on topic :

My problem seems rather stupid, but well...
See, there's a guy that likes me... likes me a lot. He asked me to go to prom with him, and I said yes, because he was a good friend and all. Now he keep stalking me, calling me for no reasons, always wants to know everything I'm doing and with who... he really is obsessed by me, and it's fukken freaking me out. I already told him that I'm not interested and that I want him to stop all that, but even though he knows, he just keeps harassing me. So I was wondering if you guys had any ideas on how to make him stop, because as I said before, this really is freaking me out.

Oh and my other problem would be that I'm a depressive person, with no self-esteem, and no friends... actually all the girls here are real hypocrites~ ...Yeah, I guess they're girls after all. x) Actually, I do have one real friend, but she's not here often, so in the end I don't really have anyone to talk to... I know I should try to open up and talk to people more, but there's something that happened when I was ~12 y/o that made me "withdrawn" from people, if I can say it like that. The fact that I don't trust people easily doesn't really help either. I'm working on it, but it's really hard. Guess I'll just have to work harder...

[GreekGeek]

Actually, I always wanted to have a gay friend 

Haha, how come?

Try to make it very clear and if that doesn't work like you want it to, a little swearing and exaggerating may help to stress your point of "fuck off, you idiot". I can't say anything more useful than this.

The second thingy isn't always a matter of working harder. Sometimes you need your time to just come back to ground and consider things properly. And well, I'm depressive as well and my self-esteem went to hell 2 years ago. And actually I don't feel like I've got friends either. So I'm sorry, can't help you with that one.

[dahans]

Probably I can help you.
3 years ago I was always the outsider, I had no friends and my self-esteem wasn't that good either. However, I thought why do the people hate me? And soon I realised that it was my fault. Then I began to change and eventually I had a new charakter. I was much more open-minded and outgoing. I tried to speak to the people and finally I became more popular.
What I want to say is: Think about yourself and what you do wrong and ask the people why they don't like you. Believe me, it works .

[Jamaha]

Haha, how come?

It's a girl thing. Had a bunch of female friends wish that too.

As for that guy, he obviously doesn't know the important rule: No means no. It may just sometimes be hard to let go, which is his problem here. Judging by the post, he's liked you for quite a while now and might have this fixation in his head that you belong together or something. You rejecting him doesn't fit this mindset and he keeps hoping that you'd change your mind. Why do I suggest this? Um, yeah..

But to be honest, I'm not too sure how to get him stop. Time, obviously, but as you said - the situation isn't too comfortable and you'd rather get over with it. Try to make it very clear what your answer is and it is final - it won't change. I wouldn't go as far as GreekGeek and tell him to fuck off, but meh, that's just me.

[Roz~]

Actually, I always wanted to have a gay friend 

Haha, how come?

Well every single person I know says that they make good friends, so I just want to check if it's true or not. xD
Thanks for your answers! With the guy, I'll try Jamaha's method first, and if it doesn't work, I'll try GreekGreek's one.  I'm good at swearing and being mean. 

What I want to say is: Think about yourself and what you do wrong and ask the people why they don't like you. Believe me, it works

Actually it's not really that they don't like me, it's just that since I don't really talk to anyone, they think I'm a loner and leave me alone. So that's what i meant by "I have to work on this"; I've got to talk to people and go out more. But still, I think you're right with the "changing" thing, and I'm already doing that, little by little. Thanks for your answer, as it confirmed that I'm kinda doing the right thing. 

[dahans]

No problem

[SirIngusBingus]

I know it's been a while, but I just got back, so...

Roz: JaMaHa is absolutely correct. Follow his instructions, they are sound.

As for your issue in self esteem, I had the same problem for quite a while. I was friendless, I couldn't really trust anyone, the whole works. However, I started to think about why I was in that position, and I realized that it was not flaws in my personality, but rather, flaws in my mindset and actions.
You see, I had led myself to believe that no one liked me, and thus pushed people away. But when I played along with people's jokes against me, I actually began to become friends with the very people I used to dislike. So me advice is this: Do not attempt to change your personality. This will not make you happy. Instead, simply change your mindset towards people. Try to like them, and they'll like you.

Oh, and of course, you do have us. We're your friends. That proves the problem isn't you.

[GreekGeek]

I personally think, no offence, that almost all friends/members from this site have been experiencing a time of lack of confidence and needing to find their way of handling. Maybe it's just the type of people that come here, shy, not very self-confident and so on. That's why I like the people here. I'm becoming an einzelgänger right now, because I don't wanna talk to people and can't get my feelings towards other people right. I wanna fix all my problems on my own and that just doesn't work. That's why I'm stuck.   

[SuperFireKirby]

I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be nor do I have a lack of confidence. Its just when a actually try something that I fail. Up until the point I try it I have all the confidence in the world. I'm a failure of most trades and a master of few.(Which would be opposite of Jack of all trades and master of none) But I still try, give it my all and whether I fail at something or not I just keep on trying not caring about the last ime I failed. Perserverence is the key.

[SirIngusBingus]

Ok then. I am now dedicated to helping you all.

Start by telling me exactly what is wrong. EXACTLY. If you are unable to tell me specifically what your problems are, then your "failures" are all in you mind.

My problem seems rather stupid, but well...
See, there's a guy that likes me... likes me a lot. He asked me to go to prom with him, and I said yes, because he was a good friend and all. Now he keep stalking me, calling me for no reasons, always wants to know everything I'm doing and with who... he really is obsessed by me, and it's fukken freaking me out. I already told him that I'm not interested and that I want him to stop all that, but even though he knows, he just keeps harassing me. So I was wondering if you guys had any ideas on how to make him stop, because as I said before, this really is freaking me out.

That is what I mean by specific.

I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be nor do I have a lack of confidence. Its just when a actually try something that I fail. Up until the point I try it I have all the confidence in the world. I'm a failure of most trades and a master of few.(Which would be opposite of Jack of all trades and master of none) But I still try, give it my all and whether I fail at something or not I just keep on trying not caring about the last ime I failed. Perserverence is the key.

That is not. (I'm just using this as an example, SFK.) You need to tell us what you feel you are failing at.

[GreekGeek]

Ok then. I am now dedicated to helping you all.

Nice, Ingus

I think my problem is that I wanna solve it all on my own. If someone offers me a lift so I don't have to go by bus for an hour, I reject it 'cause I always feel a sense of guilt when I take an offer. I'm turning into an einzelgänger by wanting to do everything on my own and I don't wanna have friends anymore. I think I'm just a worthless friend. But my holidays has been terrible with a friend commiting suicide, a man being hit by an underground in front of my eyes, a nasty, aching disease the GP can't explain, gossips being spread so my bf broke up with me. I just wanna be alone, I only lose friends now and that hurts.

[SirIngusBingus]

I think my problem is that I wanna solve it all on my own. If someone offers me a lift so I don't have to go by bus for an hour, I reject it 'cause I always feel a sense of guilt when I take an offer.

Can you explain why you feel this guilt? Are you, perhaps, feeling that you are incapable of returning the favor?

einzelgänger

I had to Google that.

But my holidays has been terrible with a friend commiting suicide, a man being hit by an underground in front of my eyes, a nasty, aching disease the GP can't explain, gossips being spread so my bf broke up with me.

None of that is your fault. I realize that they are contributing to your pessimistic mindset, but not a single one is your fault, save perhaps the sickness. Oftentimes, aches and fevers will come out of unhappiness and pessimism. The condition is called Hypochondriasis.

Anyway, focus on the guilt for now. The rest will follow.

[dahans]

LOL einzelgänger is a german word. (Nice Greekgeek )
My problem is that I want all the people to like me. I don't know why. (I think this results from particular problems in my family). So I am a bit too "over-ambitious". I probably tend to be arrogant, since I want to show all the people that I am a talented person. This results from my cousine. My family compared him with me all the time. Thus there has always been a rivality between my family and my cousine's family. After some time my cousine's family recognised that I was somehow better than he and they started to speak bad about me. I spent a lot of nights crying in my room. I tried to avoid contact with him. But that was hardly impossible, since it's my family! And my grandmother made it even worse. She always told him my notes in school (he attends an other class). I don't know what to do, I love my family, but that's not all (unfortunately). I could tell you millions of stories like that, but that's useless. I really thought of require professional help since I was completely down, if you know what I mean.
Due to the badmouthing of my cousine's familiy, I am hated in the town, where I went to school. And one day something really bad happened to me. After a tennis lesson in this town, a drunken man hit me twice. He said I hadn't greeted him. I was 9 years old. After this incident, my family and I were shocked we didn't know what to do and the horrible thing was that the people of the town defended him! Due to this incidident I became really shy and I was afraid of talking to adultes for a long time.
Well these are some stories I wanted to tell somebody...

[SirIngusBingus]

Dahans: A professional shrink would probably tell you something like "It doesn't matter what other people think, just be yourself."

I'm not a professional shrink, however.

What you need to realize is that you've already 'beaten' your cousin. You said so yourself:

After some time my cousine's family recognised that I was somehow better than he

Your cousin's familiy, after that point, began to speak badly about you. Now, you said that your own problem was this:

I want all the people to like me.

I probably tend to be arrogant, since I want to show all the people that I am a talented person.

Well, think about it.

You and your cousin's family are acting the same way. You say that you "tend to be arrogant". What are their actions, but the result of arrogance? They wish to show that they are better, or more talented, than you. You are basically on the blunt end of what you've been putting other people through.

The fact is, however, you managed to admit you have this problem, meaning you really don't. The fact that you realize you're acting this way means you can fix it. Think about how your cousin treats you; do you really want to treat others that way? All you need to do is to try to let others be better than you. As an example, let someone else play the first part in a school band thing for a while, even if you're better. You need to be able to play second part happily. If you can do that, you're on your way to a different and better lifestyle.

I'm not trying to be unkind with this, I just wish for you to truly understand your problem. I mean no offense to you, I consider you a great person.

And Greekgeek: How are you doing?