[WiiU] Super Mario 3D World - "Bowser's Lava Lake Keep" by amc

[Zeta]

Submission Information:
Series: Super Mario
Game: Super Mario 3D World
Console: Wii U
Title: Bowser's Lava Lake Keep
Instrumentation Solo Piano
Arranger: amc

[attachment deleted by admin]

[XiaoMigros]

[XiaoMigros]

• If you're using 3/2 as a time signature, you should preferably give the tempo relative to the half note (i.e. h=66 and h=76).
  
• m2: The tremolo in the RH would be better written as a trill, and the tremolo in the LH can be written as a pair of whole notes, rather than two pairs of half notes.
• m3: Under the LH, I'd add a "sempre staccato" marking.
• m4: I think the slur could be expanded by one note, as this run leads into the dyad. I also hear a Gb in here.
• The sheet will look a lot cleaner if you use more efficient beaming (Utilities -> Rebeam -> Rebeam Music), it provides clarity over the many 8th notes.
• m6 b6: I hear a Gb under the Bb, not an Eb
• m7&11 b5: Perhaps a trill would work better here than grace notes?
• m8: The rests in the upper layer could be moved down a bit, except for the last one, which should be moved up a bit. If possible try to keep the heights consistent.
• m13-20: Here, I'd consider adding the small runs between the chords.
• m27 b3: I hear an F being played below the Bb in the trumpet
• m28 b6.5: I'd change this A to an Eb, while it's possible there's an A being played in the original as well, the Eb is more audible and leads into the next measure more nicely.
• m29-30: If you keep the chords sustained here instead of restriking them on beat 5, it will help create that diminuendo effect you want here.
• m30: beats 5 and 6 in the LH can be exchanged, I hear the timpani roll on beat 6.
• The placement of dynamics could use some attention, when possible they should be centered under the notes and centered between staves. You also have plenty of space available, so you can increase the distance between staves where needed.
• Your last page looks a bit empty, you could distribute systems more evenly by moving one from page 2 onto page 3.
• Your URL is missing a slash / at the end.

[amc]

Updated.

[Static]

New link:

If you're using 3/2 as a time signature, you should preferably give the tempo relative to the half note (i.e. h=66 and h=76).

Actually, this isn't strictly necessary. You can give tempo in greater or lesser note values than the time signature indicates, or add both (put one of them in parentheses). Here's one example. I wouldn't only put the tempo in half notes here because that isn't how you'd really count it at this tempo. It has a quarter note feel.

Some other things:

• I think the on-beat 8th notes look better/are more readable as staccato quarter notes, like in the 3D Land sheet (here). The constant mix of 8th notes/rests is harder to parse at a glance, at least imo, due to the relatively long measures.
• m4 RH beat 6 (counting each quarter note as a beat): This should be a 5-tuplet, you're missing a Gb between the F and An. Xiao had mentioned this too but it looks unchanged.
• m4/10 LH beats 5-6: Should be Ebs in the bass, not Gbs.
• m6 RH beat 6: This is an F under the Bb, not Gb or Eb.
• m7/11 RH beat 5:
  

  Perhaps a trill would work better here than grace notes?
  

  Mordents you mean, but yes, I agree. Why? Because the change in notes happens directly on the beat, not before it like a grace note would indicate. Make sure to put a natural sign over the mordent in m7. For information on how to get that to work, see this post, but replace the sharp sign with a natural sign.
• m12 RH beats 5-6: The rhythm here is the same as m8 LH, but beat 6 should be F instead of Eb.
• m13-20 RH: There are 3 upper voices in this section, not 2. Here's what I'm hearing for m13-14 as an example:
  
• m14/18 beat 5, m16/20 beat 1: Maybe consider adding a grace note(s) here to mimic the slide up/down to these notes.
• m15-16, 19-20 RH Layer 2: These figures would be better written with grace notes, it's not really a 16th rhythm.
• m21-22 RH: This first melodic figure sounds like 4-part harmony to me, 2 trumpets 2 horns. I'd add at least one extra voice here so it's more full.
• m26 RH beat 3: I would strongly suggest changing the low Ab here to a G (this is in the 2nd trumpet). It adds some much-needed crunch (Abmaj7#5/E).
  
• m30 LH beat 5: I don't hear a triplet here, all the percussion just plays a single quarter note on beat 5. Only on beat 6 is there a triplet in the snare part.
• You have a pedal marking at the beginning, but feel free to put some in m21+ as well.

[amc]

Updated.

[Static]

Changes look good for the most part, just some final details from me:

• m12 LH beat 5 should be two 8th notes instead of a quarter.
• m21-23 LH: Use quarter notes for downbeats here like you do in other measures

[amc]

Updated.

[Static]

Looks good, although the tempo marking at m3 should also be in quarters

[Maelstrom]

-While I agree that m4 lh b5-6 should be Ebs and not Gbs, I believe that m10 lh b5-6 are Gbs and not Ebs
-I hear what static hears b6 of m12 LH, but I hear b5 as Ebs. Unsure if you changed them when you changed b6, but they should have stayed.
-I'm hearing m24 and m28 as a similar rhythm. b5-6 have the bass hitting the beats strongly and a lighter 8th percussion over top of it. You could transcribe that as octaves on beat and a single 8th on the off beats, ignore the secondary percussion altogether and focus on the bass, or perhaps something else. I would suggest making the two consistent, however.

That's all I've got, nice work on this sheet. It turned out quite well.

[amc]

Updated.

[Maelstrom]

looks great

[Zeta]

This submission has been accepted by Maelstrom.

~Zeta, your friendly NSM-Bot