The purpose of this thread is to acknowledge that we all are terrible human beings.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's get started!
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
Two drums and a cymbal fell down a cliff.
Dun Dun TSS!!!
There's a black man and a mexican man in a car. Who's driving?
The cops
What's the difference between a mexican man and an elevator?
One can raise a family
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
A transatlantic flight carrying passengers of a wide variety of racial origins is miles out over the open ocean when the captain unexpectedly comes on over the intercom. "Your attention please," he begins. "Due to undiagnosed engine trouble, it appears that this plane is not going to make it back to either coast unless the plane loses some weight. Unfortunately, that means some of you are going to have to jump out and hope for the best. Parachutes will be provided."
There is silence for a few moments before a high-class British officer rises dramatically from his seat and strides over to the exit hatch. Grabbing a parachute, he pronounces with dignity, "God save the Queen!" before opening the hatch door and jumping out.
Next, a French connoisseur stands up. He too walks over to the exit hatch and grabs a parachute. "Vive la France!" he cries as he exits the plane.
A few more moments pass before a Texan, cowboy hat and all, gets out of his seat and swaggers over to the hatch. Pausing for a few moments and glancing out the door, he yells, "Remember the Alamo!" and grabs two Mexicans and throws them out.
So there's a magician at a kid's birthday party who happens to be Spanish. First he performs some card tricks, and then he pulls a rabbit out of a hat. Finally, he says "for my last trick I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos..." and he was gone without a tres.
Two guys walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they want. The first guy replies, "I'll have some H2O." The second guy says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second guy is now dead.
WARNING! CITIZENS OF EARTH! A METEORITE IS GOING TO HIT THE EARTH IN THREE DAYS, SPREADING CLOUDS OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS!
That's just lame.
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I don't know, PDS. How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Oh. Right.
<3
Rick Astley will lend you any Pixar film in his collection.
Except one.
That was..... something else.
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Ten.
What does a piano, glue, and a tuna fish all have in common?
You can TUNA piano, but you can't PIANO a tuna!
What about the glue, you ask?
I knew you'd get STUCK on that!
What's the holiest chord
G sus
Brock's dad is brown, has many children, and is never home.
Must be Mexican.
What's similar about black and Mexican names?
If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal
This topic
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?
because they got lost at C!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school!?
It's okay. He woke up.
There's no good chemistry jokes
All the good ones Argon
There are some good Physics ones though.
Good physics books, too; I was reading a book on antigravity the other day, it's just impossible to put down.
Why did the kid fall off the swing?
Because he was dead.
Ok, I'll post a non-terrible joke. One of my favourites, actually.
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because his face was cut off.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because there was no milk left in the bowl.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because he was full.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because the milk was poisoned.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because his house was burnt down.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because he was allergic to dairy.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because his owner was too poor to buy milk.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because he was in the vet.
Why couldn't the cat drink its silk? Because you can't drink silk silly!
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because he didn't like the taste of it.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because he was too busy playing with his yarn.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because there was no supermarket where he lives.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because the bowl of milk was on the table where he couldn't reach.
Why couldn't the cat drink its milk? Because he got hit by a car.
Lol I love anti jokes
Anti jokes are just like food...
Spoiler
...some people don't get it
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A Flat Minor
How about a military base?
A Flat Major
King Sammer.
What did the Leper tell the prostitute?
You can keep the tip!
What did the police academy say about their communist officer who couldn't shoot straight?
He was missing his Marx.
Wow.
/topic
Quote from: Pianist Da Sootopolis on November 23, 2015, 05:28:36 PMWhat did the police academy say about their communist officer who couldn't shoot straight?
He was missing his Marx.
i'm mad i laughed at this
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shihtzu.
Quote from: ZeldaFan on November 24, 2015, 11:49:36 AMA man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shihtzu.
similar: A fish swims in to a dam. "Dam wall," said the fish. The dam replied, "dumb bass."
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing.
It just let out
a little wine
What do you call a bear in the rain?
A drizzly bear!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
On Thanksgiving, my sister and I were near the TV when the national dog show came on. A particularly shaggy dog came on stage.
Sister: "Whoops, looks like someone left their rug on the stage."
Me: "Sister, that's not a rug.
That's a carpet."
What kind of glasses do ghosts wear?
Spectercles!
[1:17:14 PM] manio: On my 12 hole ocarina on the back of the package is the fingering chart FROM C to F2 but thats totally wrong
[1:17:15 PM] manio: wtf
[1:17:55 PM] Olimar12345: Lol two more holes and the same range as the one without them
[1:17:59 PM] Ruto: huh I think it is A
[1:18:07 PM] (FSM): i have the fingering chart for your mother manio
no chill
Did you guys hear about the bomber who escaped from jail?
The news practically exploded!
I said, "Call me when you get home."
My sister said,"Like a beach and a tire, I shore wheel."
That joke was my facepalm moment of the week
So, Mickey Mouse has filed divorce.
He's having a weekly session with his divorce counselor; the counselor begins, "So, let's set the record straight here. You said you wanted to divorce your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey shakes his head, and corrects him in his high pitched voice.
"No, no, friend. I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy."
^ A disturbing image has suddenly popped into my head. Please don't.
The following bunch of bad fruit puns got be kicked from a group chat.
Grape puns? If I must... I won't wine about it. But you aren't exactly raisin my expectations of you. You jelly yet? I can branch out a bit if you want. I hope we're in concord about that. Man, I really am juicing these puns. I'm currantly pretty tired, actually. But I need to think of some brandy new puns.
At which point, one of my friends simply said "stop" and kicked me.
-So I heard you're going to a Smash tournament.
-Y I'm gonna win and R.O.B them of all their money!
Quote from: Dudeman on September 29, 2015, 07:15:07 PMA transatlantic flight carrying passengers of a wide variety of racial origins is miles out over the open ocean when the captain unexpectedly comes on over the intercom. "Your attention please," he begins. "Due to undiagnosed engine trouble, it appears that this plane is not going to make it back to either coast unless the plane loses some weight. Unfortunately, that means some of you are going to have to jump out and hope for the best. Parachutes will be provided."
There is silence for a few moments before a high-class British officer rises dramatically from his seat and strides over to the exit hatch. Grabbing a parachute, he pronounces with dignity, "God save the Queen!" before opening the hatch door and jumping out.
Next, a French connoisseur stands up. He too walks over to the exit hatch and grabs a parachute. "Vive la France!" he cries as he exits the plane.
A few more moments pass before a Texan, cowboy hat and all, gets out of his seat and swaggers over to the hatch. Pausing for a few moments and glancing out the door, he yells, "Remember the Alamo!" and grabs two Mexicans and throws them out.
I know a better way to tell it.
Wonderful. Fantastic. I feel so enlightened knowing that you have that knowledge in your possession.
Why are you such a jerk to him for no good reason?
Why are you being mouthy to a mod for no reason?
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 02, 2016, 02:51:26 PMWhy are you such a jerk to him for no good reason?
Isn't that just typical Dudeman sarcasm? At least, that's how I interpreted it :P.
He is the God of Sarcasm after all ;)
He could have easily told the joke instead of trying to brag about something. In fact, I'd love to see his version. But why go "lol my way's better" without saying anything about it?
"Dudeman: God of Sarcasm
Braixen: God of Steak"
Quote from: Dudeman on January 02, 2016, 03:01:47 PMHe could have easily told the joke instead of trying to brag about something. In fact, I'd love to see his version. But why go "lol my way's better" without saying anything about it?
Yeah, just saying his version is better without actually contributing to the conversation really is just pointless.
Quote from: braixen1264 on January 02, 2016, 03:02:09 PM"Dudeman: God of Sarcasm
Braixen: God of Steak"
I thought it was "Griller of Steaks."
So someone made a topic containing the longest joke in the world (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/) a while back, but it's so good that I have to put it here too. Fair warning; it's a good 15 minute read.
and I have no idea why the formatting is so weird but there it is
Quote from: mariolegofan on January 02, 2016, 02:57:16 PMWhy are you being mouthy to a mod for no reason?
The opposite of why you suck up to them, methinks.
That said I interpreted it sarcastically, I don't think Dudeman was intentionally being an ass.
Quote from: mariolegofan on January 02, 2016, 02:57:16 PMWhy are you being mouthy to a mod for no reason?
If read my post friend there's the reason, calm down
Since when has sarcasm not been acting like a dick just to make fun of someone? You're confusing sarcasm with irony. Especially when we're trying to lower the amount of toxic environment here, the unnecessary and intentionally hurtful posts don't help with the situation, wouldn't you agree? Point is, setting an example of how things should be is the best for everyone, or do you have a different opinion about it?
ninja'd, yeah that's what I mean, people are unnecessarily being offensive towards one another at these forums. like that's not a nice way to talk about mlf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W75QxHgpoM
Quote from: Dude on January 02, 2016, 03:30:06 PMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W75QxHgpoM
fuk off dude just watch
Shitstorm-Starter's Guide To Preventing Shit From Happening
Brought to you by: braixen1264
Step 1: Type out your message
Step 2: Analyze message
Step 3: Modify message
Step 4: Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you think it will no longer cause conflict
Step 5: Analyze again
Don't post it if it still seems like a bad idea. If you think it's okay, post it. If people are still offended by your post, you messed up somewhere.
braixen 4 president
Or the people offended can take the time to respond with a well thought out reply.
Or, y'know....
Move on.
All dickishness aside, while one shouldn't say intentionally inflammatory things, if you have a point you want to get across, you shouldn't have to put other people's feelings before expressing yourself. Even with horribly bigoted opinions, because when people take the time to actually crush your arguments with their superior ones, people will look at the argument are go "Okay he's clearly right and the other guy is wrong".
And then we move on.
Moving on is really the key here.
i'm offended by that guide, u messed up somewhere
Nah just kidding, but pointing out how some people can get offended even when there's no rational reason for it
great post tho :]
ninja'd with a+++++++++ post, although there's nothing that requires you to be unoffended when there's a good reason for being offended, but Sootopolis is too right about people using personal attacks as arguments
Quote from: Dudeman on January 02, 2016, 03:01:47 PMHe could have easily told the joke instead of trying to brag about something. In fact, I'd love to see his version. But why go "lol my way's better" without saying anything about it?
I REALLY want to, but it involves a Jew and a Palestinian, and we already have a Politics from, soooo...........
World's Longest Joke....Oh my...
People really need to use that little preview button on the reply page, it'd stop a lot of problems.
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 02, 2016, 04:34:26 PM...some people can get offended even when there's no rational reason for it...
So imagine how offended said people could get when there IS a rational reason for it
And you know what the best thing is to do in those cases?
Either write a better argument, move on, or (and this is one that rarely happens, and I'm somewhat guilty of it sometimes) realize that you may be wrong. You don't necessarily have to change what you believe, but you can at least take the time to closely analyze your beliefs and see if it really makes sense, especially when faced with counterarguments.
Read:
Quote from: braixen1264 on January 02, 2016, 03:50:29 PMDon't post it if it still seems like a bad idea. If you think it's okay, post it. If people are still offended by your post, you messed up somewhere.
If your goal is to prevent a shitstorm, ignore what you want to say. Rather than coming up with a "better argument", just don't post. If you don't say anything, there's nothing to reply to.
Don't think of it as putting other peoples' emotions first so that they won't get offended. I do this to make sure I avoid as much head butting as possible-it gets annoying for everybody involved.
Why shouldn't people argue?
These people are going to interact on NSM for other reasons still. The old adage of "if you don't interact with it they'll go away" works for people you're interacting with on YT and elsewhere because that's the only interaction you have with them; however, on NSM, when people butt heads over politics and religion and the like, that's only a small subsect of the NSM forums. They typically are still interacting with mods whom they disagree with but they don't care because they're talking about arrangements and music. That's one of the beautiful things about music; it brings people together whom otherwise wouldn't want to be anywhere near each other.
That having been said, letting the tension build up by NOT letting people express their opinions is a bad idea, though it is sometimes necessary when things turn from debates (polite or otherwise) to shit flinging contests.
That's also a point; debates can be impolite and still be debates (and I'm only speaking in terms of definitions, not what's allowed on NSM). Look at just about any religious debate with Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens; they're still intellectual debates, even when things get heated.
That said, for social reasons we don't allow debates when they get heated (officially, anyways), for better or worse. But it's important to realize that even if things get heated there can still be good points made and the like.
Quote from: Pianist Da Sootopolis on January 02, 2016, 05:34:39 PMWhy shouldn't people argue?
These people are going to interact on NSM for other reasons still. The old adage of "if you don't interact with it they'll go away" works for people you're interacting with on YT and elsewhere because that's the only interaction you have with them; however, on NSM, when people butt heads over politics and religion and the like, that's only a small subsect of the NSM forums. They typically are still interacting with mods whom they disagree with but they don't care because they're talking about arrangements and music. That's one of the beautiful things about music; it brings people together whom otherwise wouldn't want to be anywhere near each other.
That having been said, letting the tension build up by NOT letting people express their opinions is a bad idea, though it is sometimes necessary when things turn from debates (polite or otherwise) to shit flinging contests.
That's also a point; debates can be impolite and still be debates (and I'm only speaking in terms of definitions, not what's allowed on NSM). Look at just about any religious debate with Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens; they're still intellectual debates, even when things get heated.
That said, for social reasons we don't allow debates when they get heated (officially, anyways), for better or worse. But it's important to realize that even if things get heated there can still be good points made and the like.
Well put, my friend. Well put.
Quote from: braixen1264 on January 02, 2016, 05:14:47 PMSo imagine how offended said people could get when there IS a rational reason for it
If there is a rational reason for it and they can talk about it rationally there wouldn't be a shitstorm in the first place
Ok, here's a nerdy joke.
Q: What did the scoentist say when he found two isotopes of helium?
A:HeHe
Quote from: Pianist Da Sootopolis on January 02, 2016, 05:34:39 PMWhy shouldn't people argue?
Arguments themselves aren't an issue on NSM, it's the negative turn they always seem to take here. You can debate any subject perfectly fine without using sarcasm or personal attacks. Everyone here should know by now what might cause anger (don't pretend you don't, but if you seriously don't I'd be glad to tell you in a pm) and how the way it's expressed normally only causes more tension.
With negative attitudes and frequent fights no one new would want to join and contribute, and as we've seen lately people eventually outgrow nsm and leave. You can't push away possible new members by making too afraid to join since that would cause the whole site to eventually die. Also, the disguise of an internet base hides the fact that someone you're fighting could be literally 5+ years younger than you. Imagine that happening in person, why would a 18 year old get in a debate with an 11 year old? I'm not saying it's okay to attack someone of your own age group, you can discuss any topic with no toxicity. I understand why expressing your feelings is necessary and healthy. It just doesn't need to be at the expense of another person.
tl;dr:
Be mindful that you're in a community of varying ages and backgrounds. People aren't going to take to heart and change their lifelong opinions because of something some person yelled at them on a music forum. Being the elder doesn't give you automatic authority either: everyone always has room to grow, and the best way to learn is by observing not immediately thinking "this person is sf wrong wth are they even saying". It's very rare you'll change someone's opinion if they've grown up strongly believing it, so don't get violent when trying!
still too long; just read this:
Seriously though if you really need to rip someone apart just do it outside of the forums, don't make the mods deal with it.
Quote from: Pianist Da Sootopolis on January 02, 2016, 05:34:39 PMWhy shouldn't people argue?
These people are going to interact on NSM for other reasons still. The old adage of "if you don't interact with it they'll go away" works for people you're interacting with on YT and elsewhere because that's the only interaction you have with them; however, on NSM, when people butt heads over politics and religion and the like, that's only a small subsect of the NSM forums. They typically are still interacting with mods whom they disagree with but they don't care because they're talking about arrangements and music. That's one of the beautiful things about music; it brings people together whom otherwise wouldn't want to be anywhere near each other.
That having been said, letting the tension build up by NOT letting people express their opinions is a bad idea, though it is sometimes necessary when things turn from debates (polite or otherwise) to shit flinging contests.
That's also a point; debates can be impolite and still be debates (and I'm only speaking in terms of definitions, not what's allowed on NSM). Look at just about any religious debate with Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens; they're still intellectual debates, even when things get heated.
That said, for social reasons we don't allow debates when they get heated (officially, anyways), for better or worse. But it's important to realize that even if things get heated there can still be good points made and the like.
People may argue. There's nothing wrong with that.
Things may get heated and there will still be good points. There's nothing wrong with that either.
When you start to add more people to the equation is when things could start to get difficult.
I'm not discouraging debates or encouraging everyone to start ignoring people. I'm merely suggesting ways to prevent the all-out fights.Consider the following scenario:
Two people on NSM are having a debate, and things start to become heated. Normally this would be alright. But there could be maybe 10 other members reading the debate at this time. Things start to heat up, and someone else decides to join the debate. Then another. It's still alright at this point, since it's still just a debate. A post in a heated debate gets misinterpreted as a personal attack. Somebody gets mad. They retaliate. Things get out of hand from here until somebody steps in.The kind of scenario above is the thing we need to avoid. I'm not necessarily telling you to follow these steps for every single post you make. Just consider possible reactions to what you say. If it's high risk, it may be good that you don't say it.
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 02, 2016, 06:02:36 PMIf there is a rational reason for it and they can talk about it rationally there wouldn't be a shitstorm in the first place
Here's the thing you should understand: This is the internet, not a group of sophisticated people; there's always people that don't talk about things rationally. This is why Step 2 and 3 in my 'guide' suggested to analyze and correct. This is to help with thinking rationally, since most a lot of us here don't think rationally the first time.
TL;DR:Think twice before posting, consider risk vs. reward.
Quote from: braixen1264 on January 02, 2016, 06:24:56 PMHere's the thing you should understand: This is the internet, not a group of sophisticated people; there's always people that don't talk about things rationally. This is why Step 2 and 3 in my 'guide' suggested to analyze and correct. This is to help with thinking rationally, since most a lot of us here don't think rationally the first time.
You don't have to be sophisticated to be rational, those two aren't rly related to each other. Just good old common sense is enough. What I mean by rational is that you make sense, you add to the conversation and you can talk without attacking anyone. If you can't talk rationally you should stay quiet and not post. Click that preview, check your arguments and if your arguments are shit then click that x
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 02, 2016, 06:41:46 PMIf you can't talk rationally you should stay quiet and not post. Click that preview, check your arguments and if your arguments are shit then click that x
This is basically what I was trying to say. To you guys that can be rational, hats off to you. That's why my "guide" was titled for "Shitstorm-Starters"
If you agree with me then why'd you make this seem like a big deal x)
Quote from: braixen1264 on January 02, 2016, 05:14:47 PMSo imagine how offended said people could get when there IS a rational reason for it
but it's ok though I'm just glad you understand my point now! :]