My revision of the Bible. Now, before we get into Jesus and Friends, we need some backround info. So we must travel back in time to the MUCH LESS IMPORTANT part of the Bible known as the Old Testament.
Genisis Pt.1:
Now in the beginning it was dark. Then God was like,"Now where did I leave my car keys again?" So he flipped on the light switch and found a ball of dirt. So he was all like,"This is pretty sweet." So he went and washed it off but kept some water on it with his awesome God powers. Then he got out his arts & crafts kit and decorated it with little foam trees and glitter. Then he made a guy out of popsicle sticks and then decided the little stickman needed a bro so he snapped him in half and made a second guy. Then God thought, WAIT I SHOULD MAKE HIM A CHICK. So he snapped off the second little stickman's little stickman. Then he found his car keys and went to the bar to pick up chicks with his newly appointed wingman, Michael. God scored 3 hot Pharma-chicks that night. It was LEGEN - wait for it - DARY.
Now the little stick bro and little stick chick were left alone and all naked. And then a snake came out a bush and told stick chick "Girl, this bro you're hangin out with is a total tool. Did you see him playing that acoustic guitar? If you eat the ham of knowledge from the hambush over you'll turn into a BAZZING! PERFECT TEN, make that 2 perfect tens IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN and you'll be able to get any guy you want!"
Now stick chick thought about this, but then was all "lolkay". So she ate the ham and then gave some to stick bro. Then they gots smarter and become smart enough to figure out the snake was a total dick. God came back over after a VERY active night, if you know what I mean. Then he saw the stick people had EATEN HIS HAM. AND GOD SAYETH TO THE STICK PEOPLES "I'M PISSED." So he whispered into their ears, "Pssssssssss, you guys are naked."
So the stick peoples were all "OHSHIT," and covered themselves with some leaves. Now because God knew The Bro Code back and forth he could not find Stick Bro at fault because of Bro Code Article #2: "A Bro is allowed to do something stupid as long as his fellow bros are doing it." So he only decided to punish Stick Chick and made her less smart, less physically fit, less good at being awesome, as well as many other things. He also made it so wimins had to poop out babies.
Pt.2 coming up soon
This is going to be my audit of Christian theology.
I...I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Then I'll tell you how you feel. You feel it's awesome.
This could really cause some commotion on the forums.
Especcially with christian users liek piano_pika.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on September 25, 2011, 06:36:40 PMThen I'll tell you how you feel. You feel it's awesome.
No, not awesome...more like wrong. Just wrong. I appreciate the humor in this, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to protest this.
It IS wrong... but it IS humorous
humor > any wrongness it might have
And I am still following the HE>i path, soo.... Jesus still rocks.
I still accept the "Super Best Friends" on South Park and that Easter Special episode, too... all I can do is laugh... hahahahhahahahahahahaha
If it was written in a way that took itself more seriously, then I'd be okay with it. It seems to me like it's just setting out to mock the Bible, rather than celebrate it.
What's this then? Is it celebrating the bible or making fun of it? I'll let you decide.
http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page
If Jesus is as cool as the Bible says he is, he'll find this funny as well.
SO maaaybe I think it's funny too.
SFK: I was thinking, maybe you should just keep it to yourself for now and develop your book, then sell it when Christianity dies later.
If you write a book then I'll buy it.
I think the humor is fantastically written and such, but in such a way that I don't know whether to laugh or feel offended. I mean, it's like mocking 9/11. Sometimes funny...never really right. Although I did once read this hilarious book that satirized the bible, having shows on TV like Teenage Jesus (with great scenes like his friends encouraging him to turn the punch at a school dance to wine, or him yelling at Joseph "You're not even my real father!").
Overall, I think I'm going to go on the route that this is more funny than it is offensive; still, I think you could satirize something a bit less controversial, or else be very careful what you poke fun at.
Sorry for double post.
Quote from: shadowkirby_64 on September 25, 2011, 06:40:08 PMEspeccially with christian users liek piano_pika.
Did you really just say that.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on September 25, 2011, 07:27:58 PMI think the humor is fantastically written and such, but in such a way that I don't know whether to laugh or feel offended. I mean, it's like mocking 9/11. Sometimes funny...never really right. Although I did once read this hilarious book that satirized the bible, having shows on TV like Teenage Jesus (with great scenes like his friends encouraging him to turn the punch at a school dance to wine, or him yelling at Joseph "You're not even my real father!").
Overall, I think I'm going to go on the route that this is more funny than it is offensive; still, I think you could satirize something a bit less controversial, or else be very careful what you poke fun at.
SFK, just be careful.
Really good. Just be careful with what you change.
I really didn't think this was all that bad. I've actually read Genesis(and many other books in the Bible) multiple times, so much of this is actually what happened but just presented in a satirical manner. But I think I could have made it ALOT worse. I mean, talking aboot the world being made out of arts and crafts and HAM doesn't really sound all that offensive to me. Tho maybe God being a womanizer is taking it a tad bit too far...
But ALSO, how to we know the fruit of knowledge WASN'T ham? I mean, it is never said what the fruit actually is and HAM is by far the most sacred of fruits...
But I digress, I guess I'll try to be even less offensive than I was already trying to be. 8)
Summa summarum, if he wanted to mock the Bible, then he would have done it better (the flowchart of God's desicions in Genesis leading up to the "fall of man", springs to mind, for instance).
Also, in what way is this different than "Children's Bibles" who Disneyfy everything, gloss over the murders (should be around thirty millions of them if you count everything) and shows the Bible as a fountain of rainbows and happiness? It comes across as equally serious, less boring and a better way to summarize the events of the book for us who rarely, if ever even touch a Bible.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on September 25, 2011, 07:27:58 PMI mean, it's like mocking 9/11. Sometimes funny...never really right.
I was meaning to comment on this. I don't think sillyfying the Bible can even be compared to mocking 9/11. Joking about relgion is more acceptable in everyway then mocking people being murdered.
But seriously people's its not like I'm writing a story making fun the holocaust. LIGHTEN UP. And with the being said, OUR STORY CONTINUES.
Genesis Pt.2Now a long time passed with a bunch of unimportant events that no one really cares about. But then everything changed. One day, a stickbro named Lamech found a little stickbaby, and was all "OMGOMGOMG DIS IS GOD'S SON." Now God had completely forgotten about the little ball he had ever so meticulously decorated with his arts and crafts kit. He was far to busy hanging out with his Bros, drinking scotch, and watching the game.
But anyways, Lamech decided to bring home the little stickbaby and named him Noah. Now his wife was all like "I DON'T WANT THAT BABY, YOU FOOL!" but after Lamech slapped her around some, she agreed to let him stay. Now Lamech though little Noah was destined for great things. But he had NO FUCKING IDEA. A while later Noah was a full grown stickbro. Now outside the little ball, let's call it hmmmmmm... Earth, God was having a huge party at his place. One of his bros found Earth and decided to try and hit God with it. God dodged it in time but saw it was headed straight for his pool so God was all like,"OMGOMGOMG BUILD A BOAT QUICK AND PUT SOME ANIMALS ON IT FOR THE LOLZ!"
Noah had the teh best stick ears in the whole world so he was the only one who heard God's faint cry. Now he had plenty of time because human time went much slower than GOD TIME. So he built the boat and put a bunch of animals on it. A bunch of other stickpeoples laughed at him for building such a thing. But then they saw it. A giant wall of water of epic propartions. Noah then took the opportunity to moon them all as they were swept away and drowned by the flood. He turned to the giraffe next to him and scoffed "HAHAHA LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE ALL DEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD!"
Now all the animals were freakin siked because they never thought they'd be on a boat. And they knew that this boat was fo real. Our little stickbro Noah wasn't all that siked, as he soon realized that he didn't bring no wimmins on the boat. Now not only would he be forced to have teh sole duty of cleaning up duty left by animals, there was no one to have sexy time with and keep the stickpeople race alive. Eventually he saw a young stickchick in the water off in the distance, so he sailed over and he picked her up. Now as far as looks went she was about an 8 but BLAHBLAHBLAH she did nothing but talk! Sooooooo Noah may have pushed her off the boat. It was, without a doubt, an accident. Sometime later, Noah saw a second stickchick who was a ten in almost every area. Her name was Emzara, and she became Noah's wifey. Noah and Emzara had 3 stickchildren together aboard the Ark. Shem who was the oldest, then Japheth, and the youngest being HAM. Ham would turn out to be a total dick but that's a story for another time.
So after about 20 seconds in GOD TIME, God was finally able to fish Earth out of his pool. And the flood ceased. It was at that time Noah realized he had let two Batmans onto the ark! He was furious as they had always eaten his ham pies before the flood and therefore he did not want them to live. But aboard the ark they had secretly multiplied into the hundreds and could not be stopped! So Noah made sure to move to a land that was Batman free where he would live with his stickwife Ezmara, and his sons and their wives. Now later on, Noah got really drunk after a bad day at the office. Long story short, he ended up naked and passed out. Now Ham decided to be a total dick and not help his father while his other two sons wrapped up Noah and brought him BACH home. Later Noah found out about this and yelled at Ham, and said to him with a GODLY voice, "HAM, FOR BEING A TOTAL DICK I CURSE YOU AND YOUR ANCESTORS FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
And according to every white southern preacher up until the 70's Ham was turned into a black person and Noah also said something about all of Ham's descendents cursed to be slaves, which justified the white's right to be excessively cruel and awful to the black community. But I digress.
GENESIS PT.3 COMING UP SOMETIME SOON!
You know, I'm curious to see how you interpret the Tower of Babel story.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on September 26, 2011, 12:32:48 PMI was meaning to comment on this. I don't think sillyfying the Bible can even be compared to mocking 9/11. Joking about relgion is more acceptable in everyway then mocking people being murdered.
But seriously people's its not like I'm writing a story making fun the holocaust. LIGHTEN UP. And with the being said, OUR STORY CONTINUES.
Genesis Pt.2
Now a long time passed with a bunch of unimportant events that no one really cares about. But then everything changed. One day, a stickbro named Lamech found a little stickbaby, and was all "OMGOMGOMG DIS IS GOD'S SON." Now God had completely forgotten about the little ball he had ever so meticulously decorated with his arts and crafts kit. He was far to busy hanging out with his Bros, drinking scotch, and watching the game.
But anyways, Lamech decided to bring home the little stickbaby and named him Noah. Now his wife was all like "I DON'T WANT THAT BABY, YOU FOOL!" but after Lamech slapped her around some, she agreed to let him stay. Now Lamech though little Noah was destined for great things. But he had NO FUCKING IDEA. A while later Noah was a full grown stickbro. Now outside the little ball, let's call it hmmmmmm... Earth, God was having a huge party at his place. One of his bros found Earth and decided to try and hit God with it. God dodged it in time but saw it was headed straight for his pool so God was all like,"OMGOMGOMG BUILD A BOAT QUICK AND PUT SOME ANIMALS ON IT FOR THE LOLZ!"
Noah had the teh best stick ears in the whole world so he was the only one who heard God's faint cry. Now he had plenty of time because human time went much slower than GOD TIME. So he built the boat and put a bunch of animals on it. A bunch of other stickpeoples laughed at him for building such a thing. But then they saw it. A giant wall of water of epic propartions. Noah then took the opportunity to moon them all as they were swept away and drowned by the flood. He turned to the giraffe next to him and scoffed "HAHAHA LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE ALL DEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD!"
Now all the animals were freakin siked because they never thought they'd be on a boat. And they knew that this boat was fo real. Our little stickbro Noah wasn't all that siked, as he soon realized that he didn't bring no wimmins on the boat. Now not only would he be forced to have teh sole duty of cleaning up duty left by animals, there was no one to have sexy time with and keep the stickpeople race alive. Eventually he saw a young stickchick in the water off in the distance, so he sailed over and he picked her up. Now as far as looks went she was about an 8 but BLAHBLAHBLAH she did nothing but talk! Sooooooo Noah may have pushed her off the boat. It was, without a doubt, an accident. Sometime later, Noah saw a second stickchick who was a ten in almost every area. Her name was Emzara, and she became Noah's wifey. Noah and Emzara had 3 stickchildren together aboard the Ark. Shem who was the oldest, then Japheth, and the youngest being HAM. Ham would turn out to be a total dick but that's a story for another time.
So after about 20 seconds in GOD TIME, God was finally able to fish Earth out of his pool. And the flood ceased. It was at that time Noah realized he had let two Batmans onto the ark! He was furious as they had always eaten his ham pies before the flood and therefore he did not want them to live. But aboard the ark they had secretly multiplied into the hundreds and could not be stopped! So Noah made sure to move to a land that was Batman free where he would live with his stickwife Ezmara, and his sons and their wives. Now later on, Noah got really drunk after a bad day at the office. Long story short, he ended up naked and passed out. Now Ham decided to be a total dick and not help his father while his other two sons wrapped up Noah and brought him BACH home. Later Noah found out about this and yelled at Ham, and said to him with a GODLY voice, "HAM, FOR BEING A TOTAL DICK I CURSE YOU AND YOUR ANCESTORS FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
And according to every white southern preacher up until the 70's Ham was turned into a black person and Noah also said something about all of Ham's descendents cursed to be slaves, which justified the white's right to be excessively cruel and awful to the black community. But I digress.
GENESIS PT.3 COMING UP SOMETIME SOON!
This is awesomely hilarious but I was looking forward to an interpretation of Cain and Abel.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on September 26, 2011, 03:49:39 AMI've actually read Genesis(and many other books in the Bible) multiple times, so much of this is actually what happened but just presented in a satirical manner.
But man was punished toooooooooo!!!
And you changed that and stated it in a /slightly/ satirical manner.
"OMGOMGOMG BUILD A BOAT QUICK AND PUT SOME ANIMALS ON IT FOR THE LOLZ!"
[/quote]
God said "Oh my God"? Wouldn't that cause a black hole?
Bro, you need to write moar of this.
New chapter tomorrow, me promises. I haven't had any free time lately.
No one really has free time anymore
It's exam time here, so... yeah. XD
Wow it's been awhile since I've written. Time flies when you're not having fun at all, I guess.
Anyways,
Genesis Pt. 3
The Story of Abraham Pt.1
A long, long time passed since Noah had died. A few interesting things happened in this time such as when a bunch of people built a super big tower in honor of Baal, a totally not awesome guy who was always stealing God's wimmins. God was all like "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" wagging his index finger side to side in distaste. So he took all of their mouths(which were made out of pipe cleaners) and bent and twisted them until everyone spoke a different language. This would ensure that humans would never be able to work together for the common good because of a language barrier. They would also never be able to build a giant monument for Baal again. Because Baal is a total dick.
So 11 generations after the super awesome stickman known as Noah, a new totally rad guy appeared from the wimmins tummy. He would come to be known as Abraham(who apparently had many sons). Using his ever so awesome GOD POWERS, God decided to shrink himself down and pay a visit to Abraham(then known as Abram), whom he heard was totally awesome and wanted to see for himself. Lo and behold, the rumors were true! Abraham's father had just died at the young age of 225, and God was a like "BRO, WAZZUP?!?!?" and Abram was all like "WAZZUP?!?!?!?!" and God was all like "WAZZUP?!?!?!?" ("wazzup" was still cool back in Abraham's time). And God was all "Bro, you should totally leave here and go to this awesome place called Schemem!" and Abram was all "lolkay". Then God said, "OH and here, seeing as you're now 75 years old and are now a young man, take this perfect 10 as your wife!" So Abram married a perfect 10 named Sarai.
So Abram went to Canaan and stayed there for the fairly short time of prolly 40-50 years. But then, a great famine struck Canaan and Abram and his family decided to go to Egypt. Sarai was all concerned that they'd all die cuz the Egyptians were big meanie heads. But when they went to Egypt, the Pharaoh saw Sarai, insatantely recognizing here 10 status. Abram decided to be silleh and tell Pharaoh that Sarai was his sister. So Pharaoh took Sarai back to his palace and gave Abram tons of junk in exchange for sexy-time with his fake sister. Abram soon realized,"WAIT. THAT'S MAH WIFE THE PHARAOH IS HAVINS THE SEXY TIME WITH!" so stormed the castle with and army of sheep and rescued Sarai from the Pharaoh, whom he had pretty much given Sarai to in the first place. Well, that's not entirely accurate. He actually, more or less, just tapped Pharaoh on the shoulder and was all like,"BRO, that's mah wife." Pharaoh then got real mad and banished Abram and his family from Egypt.
So later on, the Elamites(who, without a doubt, were all dicks) invaded the Jordan River cities and defeated the armies of the King of Sodom. They came to the house of Abram's nephew, Lot, in search of booty(harharhar). They decided to imprison Lot and his whole famrie. Someone escaped and went and told Abram. The approximate expression on Abram's face was surely something like this:
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fwww.joystiq.com%2Fmedia%2F2007%2F05%2Fserious_cat.jpg&hash=4f929e75862cc34d247b357b8a0e8e2f4a291150)
He got together a whole bunch of his bros and fucked shit up. They destroyed the Elamite Army, freed all the captured folks and gots all their stuff back. God had bough front row seats to the show. Why? Cuz theatre is a great place to pick up chicks.
SO Abram had saved the day! But what would happen next for our young hero?
<3 Abraham
Ille erat optimus!
That was amazing.
oh yah so freaking amazeing that is aewsome
Thanks. Probably going to resume writing this epic retelling of the Bible come summer break.
Summer break is almost here, and you know what that means kiddies?
THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S THE RETURN OF THE ADVENTURES OF JESUS AND FRIENDS!!!
Now you'll finally be able to resume your rigorous study of the Holy Bible through what is possibly the most controversial/ultra sexy story ever to gingerly caress the NSM Story Boards!
More Prophets! More Action! More Legen-wait for it-dary...........ness!
AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU.
Coming soon!
...o_O gingerly caress?....
It's a really polite way of saying this thing is going to **** this forum halfway to 4chan, the proverbial Hell of the internet.
That or he's just being needlessly descriptive in saying he's posting his story here, but I don't think that's the case.
I think it's just another way of saying "my story's the shit"
Quote from: MaestroUGC on June 03, 2012, 08:03:11 AMThat or he's just being needlessly descriptive in saying he's posting his story here
This is the case. :P
Genesis Pt. 4
The Story of Abraham Pt. 2
Last we saw our hero, he was havin' a grand ole time killing lots of Elamites! After the battle he gave the King of Sodom back all his subjects, and there was much rejoicing. God, being the bro of bros, came down to Abram and told him, "You man, you is gonna get ALL THE LAND and have ALL THE CHIDRUNS." to which Abram responded by giving God the most righteous of HIGH-FIVES. But after ten years of living in Canaan, Sarai and Abram were becoming distressed because they still weren't making any babies. Since it was OBVIOUSLY the woman's fault, Sarai was all like "Hey Abram, why not have sexy time with this lovely servant lady?"
And although Abram was reluctant at first, eventually he agreed to make sweet, sweet love to the sexy servant lady, as it was his FATHERLY DUTY. After the deed was done, Sarai changed her mind on the whole "sexy time with the servant lady" thing. But, she came to the unfortunate realization that time machines hadn't been invented yet. After a heated confrontation with Sarai, sexy servant lady(whose name happened to be Hagar) fled to Shur. But on her way there, she spotted God in a well and she was all like," Yo God, what you doing in that well?"
And God was all like,"I just be chillin. Oh and BTW, go back Abram you silly person becuase you son (and I quote this one straight from the Bible) shall be a wild ass of a man."
"OMG RLY??? D:" Hagar responded. And back to Abram and Sarai she went. And Abram had his first born son, Ishmael at the ripe, young age of 86.
God once again visited Abram. Abram was all like,"Hey there God. What chu want?"
And God proclaimed,"ABRAM IS A STUPID NAME. AND SO IS SARAI. FROM NOW ON YOU SHALL BE ABRAHAM AND SARAH."
Abraham was a little pissed about the change at first, but it was nothing compared to what God said next.
"Oh, and you know that flap of skin on your junk? Yeah well...... I kinda want you to snip it off. AND THAT GOES FOR EVERY MAN."
It was at this point that Abraham realized he was dealing with a sadist. But, he was an all-powerful godly sadist. So it was best that he do what the man said. And for the next week, every man in the middle east could not walk correctly due to the constant pain inflicting their crotches. The groaning coming from all these people was so loud that God had to lock the Earth in his cellar just so he wouldn't have to hear the awful noise.
A few weeks later, after all the sore crotches had gone away, three of God's bros came down to visit Abraham. For them, Abraham prepared a tasty meal. As they ate, one of the bros explained that upon his return the following year, Sarah would have a son. Sarah overheard this and scoffed at such an idea. Then the angel was all like,"WOMAN, IF GOD WANTED HE COULD TURN YOU INTO A BABY FIRING MACHINE GUN!" Sarah was confused by what this "machine gun" was, but understood that it probably meant a lot of babies.
What was next for Abraham? Find out in the final part of Abraham, coming soon!
Win.
I quite enjoyed this.
This was surprisingly educational
No new chapter for a few weeks. Going to out of town, without access to a proper keyboard. :(
Quote from: spitllama on June 23, 2012, 06:48:34 PMThis was surprisingly educational
And surprisingly accurate
Seriously, if they had a bible written like this to help kids understand the other, long, semi-boring one... it may keep more people from pretending to be too "sick" to go to church (like me)
Would you mind if I formatted this and printed it out for my non-christian friends to show them what the bible really means?
DOEET. MY MESSAGE SHALL BE HEARD.
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc6%2Fs480x480%2F8017_2913790423876_2105733263_n.jpg&hash=f113522c5b84fb1c2136fc0858f42687dc66911b)
Oh dear me, is this another chapter of NSM's most beloved and hated bible retelling?
YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS, IT IS.
GENESIS PT. 5
The Story of Abraham Pt. 3
After the most tasty dinner, which seemed to have lasted, like, 7 months, the 3 bros got up and walked over to Abraham's window and pointed to Sodom and Gomorrah. "See those two cities, Abraham? They are filled with rooks, scrubs, and d-bags. God doesn't like any of those three things. So he's going to KILL EVERYONE." Abraham was shocked at this notion and didn't want to see either city to have it's shit rocked by the mighty hand of God. "WAIT GOD! What if not everyone in there is a scrub-cake or a hater? If there's at least 10 people who don't suck living their, will you spare the cities?" God, being a total bro, agreed to Abraham's terms and conditions.
Two of God's totally righteous bros decided to go to Sodom to see if they could find some people that weren't total dicks. When they got there, Lot, Abraham's nephew offered them a place to stay. But unfortunately for God's bros, there were a bunch of guys who thought they looked sooper hawt, and logically this crowd of men wanted to have sex with their sweet, sweet buttockses. Lot, being the good father he was, humbly offered his two virgin daughter's sweet, sweet buttockses in place of his guests. BUT NO, THESE GUYS JUST WANTED SOME OF DAT SWEET MAN ACTION AND BROKE DOWN THE DOOR TO GET AT DEM BUTTOCKSES.
It was at around this point that God proclaimed, "FUCK THIS SHIT." and flattened Sodom like a pancake, if pancakes were composed of heaps of rubble and dead chumps. But Gomorrah was not to be forgotten! God blew it up. And when Abraham awoke, he could smell the fresh scent of dead haters and scrubs. Not ten bros could be found in Sodom and Gomorrah.
Abroham(I like this spelling waaaaaaay more) then went to settle in the GLORIOUS land of Philistine. And Abroham was back to his old tricks again, claiming Sarah was his sister. King Albimelech caught wind that there was a woman in his kingdom he hadn't had sexy time with yet, so he drove his sports camel(it's like a sports car...but it's a camel) over to Abraham's house to introduce himself to this new PROSPECT. But, God, not wanting his main man Abroham's wifey to get schtuck by this king, came to Albimelech in a dream and told him, "YO, YOU TOUCH DAT GURL, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO SODOM? YEAH, BOY, THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN ALL OVA YO FACE! AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILIES FACE!" Albimelech certainly didn't want God to turn his face into a delicious pancake composed of scrub-cakes, so he backed off Abroham's gurl.
Albimelech later approached Abroham and said, "BRO, why didn't you just tell me she was your wifey! Now I've got God all up in my ear, shoutin' at me man!" Abroham thought he might be killed for his wife, that's why he kept it SEEKRIT. Albimelech, having way too much crap for his own good, gave a bunch of junk to Abroham as a peace offering. And God was appeased by said offering.
A year had passed since God had unleashed the ultimate shit storm on Sodom and Gomorrah, which meant Sarah was finally preggers! And she gave birth to Abroham's second son, Isaac. Isaac, would be in for a real treat in a few years time. Yeah, you people know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. But let's talk about that later. Now that Sarah had her own baby, she decided she hated the sexy servant lady and Ishmael again and had the sent away...again. This time they didn't come back, since God have given Abroham the okay to do as DAT BITCH, ehem...I mean Sarah said.
Later, when Isaac was in his youth God called up Abroham. Now, God, was a bit schwasted from broing it up at the bar in Heaven with his wingman, Michael; and so this was a bit of a drunk dial. Abroham, hearing a ringing noise, made a phone-shape out of his hand. He asked, "Hello?". God responded, "Yo, Abroham, my main man! What's happenin'?!?! You...you know what would be really hilarious? If you, um, if you took your kid up to a mountain and, like, killed him! Seriously man, that would be, like, fuckin' COMEDIC GOLD!" Abroham most certainly did not want to do this. I mean, maybe if it was a daughter since apparently they're worthless enough to be given away to crowds of men, but this was a child with a PENIS! He was important! So Abroham said, "Sorry God, you're a great bro and all, but I'm gonna have to refuse." God was appalled by this. "DO IT IF YOU LOVE ME."
Abroham had a tough choice to make. Was his fatherly-ness more important than his bro-ly-ness with God? OF COURSE NOT! That would make him the first decent father in this whole book, and we cannot have that. So Abroham trekked for three days with his son up to a mountain top and bound Isaac to a stone table. But right before Abroham was aboot to murder his son, God woke up from his drunken haze, with his senses regained. God quickly sent one his bros down to stop Isaac, and he got there just in the nick of time! Abraham then killed a ram instead, and there was much rejoicing. Mostly from Isaac, because he wasn't brutally murdered by his dad. And isn't that what we're all really thankful for when it comes down to it?
Sarah died at the young age of 127, and Abroham followed suit just a few years later at the also young age of 175, but only after having sexy time with another woman Ketura, who pooped out six more kids for him. I mean, he was still in his sexual prime at the age of one-hundred and something something, and Sarah was dead so her vagina was no good anymore, so it makes perfect sense! I think that's how I'll end this chapter, because there's really no point in even trying to stoop any lower.
NEXT CHAPTER WE'RE BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S TIME FOR MOSES, BABY!
how did I not see this before
ilu
I dread.
Maybe I can find peace from this by finally completely memorizing all of the Ten Commandments (word for word).
Epic.
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Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on January 04, 2013, 12:04:10 AMI dread.
Maybe I can find peace from this by finally completely memorizing all of the Ten Commandments (word for word).
Are you saying its bad? D: Like said before, all its doing is changing the viewing audience, while its still delivering the same message.
And I think I know them all word for word, whether I want/need/tried to or not ::)
SFK Im assuming you went to catholic schools? Or did you actually sit down one day and read the whole bible
And so the newer generation of NSMer's enjoy the most blasphemous story on NSM.
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on January 04, 2013, 01:21:04 AMAre you saying its bad? D: Like said before, all its doing is changing the viewing audience, while its still delivering the same message.
It's quite more than just that...
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on January 04, 2013, 01:21:04 AMOr did you actually sit down one day and read the whole bible
This. Except it took many, many days. It's really big book.
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on January 04, 2013, 11:29:28 AMIt's quite more than just that...
Yes it is. But the point isn't to celebrate the Bible, nor is it to mock the Bible(wellllllll...maybe a little bit). Hell, I don't even care if people find it educational or accurate or a new way to read a boring book. The point is to take this very serious book and make it very seriously ridiculous. Nothing else.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 04, 2013, 01:27:16 PMThis. Except it took many, many days. It's really big book.
you read the entire bible???
you have too much free time
Oh come now, lighten up. Most of the stories in the bible are nothing but stories. Any sensible Christian believes that.
-The Earth was NOT created in seven days, nor is it 5,000 years old
-People did not live for hundreds upon hundreds of years back in biblical times
- If the human race REALLY came from only two individuals, we would have died out from genetic mutations in a few generations.
I'm not lampooning Christianity. I'm lampooning an extended metaphor. Because that's what the Bible is.
Super Smash Flash 2
[4:45 PM] slow: sounds like a super smash bros game where samus takes off her shirt
[4:45 PM] slow: dat emo hair
[4:45 PM] notshado: FINAL FLASH!
[4:46 PM] notshado: *other characters die of happiness*
[4:46 PM] sfk: Oh dear
[4:46 PM] slow: FALCON JIZZ
[4:46 PM] socialfox1: HAPPINESS PUNCH
[4:46 PM] sfk: that old guy who was on NSM's grandson is dissing my story!
[4:46 PM] slow: I saw that
[4:46 PM] sfk: I SHALL PUT HIMIN HIS PLACE
[4:47 PM] slow: honestly if people are offended, that's understandable-- they just shouldn't read it
[4:47 PM] socialfox1: Look what he did to my story.
[4:47 PM] socialfox1: http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5171.0
[4:47 PM] slow: don't comment if you don't like it
[4:47 PM] socialfox1: Go to the bottom post.
[4:47 PM] slow: that's what I do
[4:47 PM] slow: except when I don't
[4:47 PM] sfk: lol
[4:47 PM] slow: Olimar where do you work again?
[4:47 PM] slow: can't remember
[4:47 PM] sfk: IS IT A STORY YOU'RE WIRTING
[4:47 PM] slow: OH
[4:47 PM] slow: I SAW THAT
[4:47 PM] slow: XDDD
[4:47 PM] slow: "no it's a picture"
[4:48 PM] slow: shado's unhappiness beam is somehow making me very happy
[4:48 PM] olimar12345: kroger
[4:48 PM] slow: naughty guy, tinychatting at wo
Oh, Lord. He's a fundamentalist. A Creationist.
You will not last long with my people here. Also, you misinterpreted my comment earlier. I enjoy the work SFK does here, it's just manner he went about it is inappropriate, though you could argue that's the point. My complaint was against the delivery of the humor, not the content.
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 20, 2013, 07:18:10 AMMaria: Honey, I'm pregnant!
Josepf: How is that possible? I thought you were a virgin?!?!
Maria: Umm... *must think something fast* It was God!!! :O An angel told me I'm gonna have God's child!
Joseph: Oh wow. Yaay I'm gonna have God's son! :J
lol,one of my friends always likes to say,"Was Jesus really the son of God, or is Christianity really just the world's greatest love child coverup?"
But hey mariolegofan, if you don't like my SEXY retelling of the Bible, you can leave. This thread was not meant for the close minded. In fact, I'm not sure if this thread is meant for anybody sane. BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. Just pretend the oasis of BEAUTY AND MAJESTY that is this story doesn't exist.
Don't start crap, Waddle. Just leave him be.
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 20, 2013, 11:22:44 AMI was trying to get him realize that ignoring evolution and all that kind of stuff won't get you far in life. :P
When you take into account the small chance that evolution would produce what we are today, and all the fatal mutations that would occur (and quite possibly wipe out many species, and leave only a small amount of species that are properly suited for their environments), plus the fact that there is no observable evolution in the modern day (peppered moths don't count, because both colors were around before the Industrial Revolution; thus, the species did not actually change at all, aside from [possibly, although there have been some errors found in the experiements] changes in the NUMBER of light or dark colored moths).
Coevolution would be essentially impossible, since, if both species developed at different times, one, that relies on the other, would die out, and it is even more farfetched to believe that the two species would evolve at the same time, as there would be no reason for them to develop a coevolutionary relationship like that, since they might be better to evolve where they are independent of the other species.
Many evolutionists will cite any example possible as a "sign" or "fact" of evolution, whether or not it actually proves their point; likewise, you could say that same thing about some creationists.
Also, for refrence, I (although others may not) consider "adaption" and "evolution" to be two different things, to better distinguish and clarify what I'm saying.
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on January 20, 2013, 12:38:10 PMI see adaptation as a form of evolution, because once a certain characteristic of an organism changes to fit its environment, wouldn't it have "evolved" into a better fit organism, even if it just grew pointier toes or something?
Adaption, as I see it (for purposes of clarity and differentiating), is for example, direct changes to your environment, which do not change a species (best comparison would be East Sea vs. West Sea Shellos/Gastrodon or Deerling/Sawsbuck, albeit to a lesser extent :P). For example: gaining thicker fur in a colder environment, and shedding the fur when it gets warm; migrating north/south depending on the season; eating one food instead of another.
Humans who move from one area to another, as well, adapt characteristics to their new environment, such as going from a city to a small farm. Or even, as in the last example in the above paragraph, becoming a vegan.
Evolution, however, as I see it, is the complete changing of a species (enough to where it's hard to compare it with its previous "form"). For example: sea animal turning into land animal; land animal gaining the ability to fly small distances; land animal gaining stronger arms and legs; quadruped becoming a full-time biped :P.
I am not here to aruge (or even discuss :P); I'm just here to state something...
And another point to bring up: the evolution would have to happen extremely rapidly in order to be effective, as in the span of only a few generations (generation being one "chain" of offspring, to their offspring, etc.).
Quote from: mariolegofan on January 20, 2013, 12:50:46 PMEvolution is so dumb, I could spit!
Give me some good reasons on how it's real
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
Quote from: mariolegofan on January 20, 2013, 12:49:07 PMYea!! You can never put a lid on it!!
You too! Just stop this argument and stop posting in this thread if you don't like the story!
Quote from: mariolegofan on January 20, 2013, 12:50:46 PMEvolution is so dumb, I could spit!
Give me some good reasons on how it's real
Stop posting this type of thing. Just ignore this thread, it will cause no one any good to have this argument.
Quote from: mariolegofan on January 20, 2013, 12:56:51 PMOk waddle bro
When hundreds of thousands of people vanish you will believe
It's called the rapture.
Oh, and aliens arnt real
"But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only." It could be tomorrow, or a thousand years from now; maybe we might do it to ourselves.
You do not know if aliens are real or not, because we have no way we can either prove or disprove them from our limited perspective.
Frivolous statements do not get anywhere.
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on January 20, 2013, 01:43:49 PMYou said adaptation would be like an animal gaining thicker fur for colder climates. That cant really happen in a few generations, and neither can evolution. Evolution isnt literally like Pokemon, changing that drastically. A thoery is that elephants are direct edscendents of a mammoth, so that would be thousands of years for the elephants to finally shed that nasty fur so they dont melt in the heat anymore.
And lol vegan isnt an adaptation its a choice. You're not born a vegan/vegetarian, which is why plant eating animals are called herbivores and not vegetarians
¡No me digas! ::)
Once again, you are completely missing my point.
GOD DAMNIT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. I TOLD MLF HE COULD LEAVE, AND THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF IT. Now I've got people arguing about The LAW of Evolution(It should be) and aliens and shit.
If you THE EARTH WAS CREATED 5000 YEARS AGO people can explain this to me I will be satisfied, only because I'm interested in what you actually believe because I'm not actually sure. How do you explain fossils? I'd actually really like to hear what you have to say, not in a dickish way either.
Further more, while there ABSOLUTELY no physical evidence that can prove the existence of a god, there's ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE THAT REFUTES THE EXISTENCE OF EVOLUTION. THERE HAS NEVER HAS BEEN ANYTHING FOUND THAT COULD DISPROVE EVOLUTION. EVER.
ARE WE DONE HERE? GOOD. BECAUSE NEW ADVENTURES OF JESUS AND FRIENDS EPISODE TOMORROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 20, 2013, 01:56:45 PM
ARE WE DONE HERE? GOOD. BECAUSE NEW ADVENTURES OF JESUS AND FRIENDS EPISODE TOMORROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY
But what about dinosaurs? Or cavemen. r the Indus River Valley Civilization? Or the nomads who crossed Beringia to getto North America 20,000 years ago? How do you explain all of these things that every professor, scientist, and historian says happened? All of which took place before the supposed creation of the world?
STOP THE FREAKING ARGUMENTS -________-
This is EXACTLY the type of thing that I was worried would happen if this thread continued. Everyone needs to stop arguing, it won't cause any good and at worst would cause this thread to be locked. Stop fueling the argument! Be the bigger person and just STOP TALKING.
This isn't an argument anymore. I'm simply asking questions because I'd like to know his view of things.
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on January 20, 2013, 01:55:42 PMIm saying that gradual adaptations overtime will become evolution, essentially
Ninja'd: What ever happened to God loves all? ::) Were catholics too you know
And you don't understand the difference between my definition of "adaption" on the generally 'accepted' definition of "adaption," in correlation to evolution (as I have pointed out).
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 20, 2013, 01:56:45 PMFurther more, while there ABSOLUTELY no physical evidence that can prove the existence of a god, there's ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE THAT REFUTES THE EXISTENCE OF EVOLUTION. THERE HAS NEVER HAS BEEN ANYTHING FOUND THAT COULD DISPROVE EVOLUTION. EVER.
You're not making any sense... how would we, humans, be able to prove or disprove the existence of a deity?? Yeah...
And, yes, there is information that refutes evolution, although not many people are willing to accept it; evolution in itself is very illogical, when you don't factor in merely your preferences for it...
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 20, 2013, 02:06:16 PMBut what about dinosaurs? Or cavemen. r the Indus River Valley Civilization? Or the nomads who crossed Beringia to getto North America 20,000 years ago? How do you explain all of these things that every professor, scientist, and historian says happened? All of which took place before the supposed creation of the world?
They would have to have happened after, which would mean that either Creation happened far, far before, or scientists have their dates mixed up (either way, given that we are dealing with such large time periods, would be possible, since we don't know what could or could have happened to somehow distort information on such records of the past, if you understand what I am saying).
Quote from: SlowPokemon on January 20, 2013, 02:07:45 PMSTOP THE FREAKING ARGUMENTS -________-
This is EXACTLY the type of thing that I was worried would happen if this thread continued. Everyone needs to stop arguing, it won't cause any good and at worst would cause this thread to be locked. Stop fueling the argument! Be the bigger person and just STOP TALKING.
Yes.
...but I must say, unless arguments degrade into insult-fights, they do not necessarily make you any "bigger" or "smaller."
For now, let us abide by the motto "Quit while you're a head."
WE ARE GETTING NOWHERE.
None of us really understand each other, and a few of us don't WANT to understand each other. We are certainly not going to convince each other of whether our opinions are "more right" then theirs, because we each have our reasons for believing what we do.
All we are doing is making statements.
He even didn't answer my questions. D: DARN IT MAN, I'M CURIOUS! Why'd you guyz all have to be DICKS and make the guy with the answers leave? Seriously, you people can't even have a mature discussion about Faith vs. Reason/Science/Whatever? Come on. Grow up. And now, I'm grouped in with all you jerks because I'm asking questions about a person's beliefs. I'M SUPPOSE TO BE THE GUY BEING THE JERK. HAVE YOU NOT READ MY STORY?
All right, everyone, enough is enough. Please refrain from posting anything related to the previous discussion. If you would like to continue, I entreat you all to utilise the PM system (mind you all, this is not a suggestion to harass privately).
So unless you have something positive and not overly critical to say, don't fuel the fire any longer.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 20, 2013, 02:06:16 PMBut what about dinosaurs? Or cavemen. r the Indus River Valley Civilization? Or the nomads who crossed Beringia to getto North America 20,000 years ago? How do you explain all of these things that every professor, scientist, and historian says happened? All of which took place before the supposed creation of the world?
This. If the Earth was created 5,000 years ago, how do you explain all of these historical findings(the dinosaurs dying out around 65 million years ago and such)? Do you just refute the information as false, or do you believe it happened within a much shorter time scale or that the information was fabricated by, let's say, Satan or something else?
Quote from: Mashi on January 20, 2013, 02:32:26 PMIf you would like to continue, I entreat you all to utilise the PM system (mind you all, this is not a suggestion to harass privately).
Even if the argument is innocuous, chances are that it'll blow up some time later.
Mashi, I do believe you were ignored entirely.
It very much seems that way.
Quote from: SocialFox on January 20, 2013, 02:49:17 PMAnd sorry Mashi for ignoring you.
evidently you aren't THAT sorry
Everyone, mariolegaofan is evidently young and inexperienced, so naturally he's going to be dogmatic and unyielding. It's our job to be the mature ones and not attack or criticise him, whether it's justified or not. Politely ask him to leave and leave it at that. If he continues harassing, then try again or request Moderator action. mariolegofan, the same goes for you; if you feel you're being harassed, simply stop viewing the topic.
I have to go now, but I expect this conflict to be resolved when I return.
Alright guys. That's enough.
Now I suggest you all take Mashi's advice before I pull out the banhammer.
GOSH DARNIT SHADOWKRIBY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING UP HOMOSEXUALITY. ARE YOU TRYING TO START A WAR?
So you guys have clogged up my story with 5FUCKIN pages of senseless ranting and arguing, and absolutely nothing was solved. Schweet. I call upon you all to delete every post you made in the past 24 hours in this thread to get rid of the clutter and your useless rants. If you want to have an intelligent discussion with me about Faith vs. Religion or Evolution vs. Creationism, I will happily oblige in the pm's. BUT DELETE YOUR POSTS, PLEASE.
Or I call upon a moderator to banish this thread to the nether realm so that a new, purer one can be reborn from the fire.
Done.
All deleted
As a devout Roman Catholic, I approve of this rendition of the Bible.
You have my official blessing. Now go forth, my son, and spread the good word of AWESOME.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 20, 2013, 03:34:14 PMGOSH DARNIT SHADOWKRIBY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING UP HOMOSEXUALITY. ARE YOU TRYING TO START A WAR?
So you guys have clogged up my story with 5FUCKIN pages of senseless ranting and arguing, and absolutely nothing was solved. Schweet. I call upon you all to delete every post you made in the past 24 hours in this thread to get rid of the clutter and your useless rants. If you want to have an intelligent discussion with me about Faith vs. Religion or Evolution vs. Creationism, I will happily oblige in the pm's. BUT DELETE YOUR POSTS, PLEASE.
Or I call upon a moderator to banish this thread to the nether realm so that a new, purer one can be reborn from the fire.
Im sowwy :( All gone. I didnt mean to ruin your epic retelling
Quote from: MaestroUGC on January 20, 2013, 07:28:42 PMAs a devout Roman Catholic, I approve of this rendition of the Bible.
You have my official blessing. Now go forth, my son, and spread the good word of AWESOME.
And this
its tomorrow
damn i missed the fun.
Just wanted to say that this story is great and I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter! I'm ready to read about RIVER-BABIES.
I'll try to get one out this weekend.But I've been swamped with work, homework, and life.