Submission Information:
Series: Paper Mario
Game: Paper Mario: Color Splash
Console: Wii U
Title: Main Theme
Instrumentation Solo Piano
Arranger: ThatHiddenCharacter (https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=5110)
I wrote a lot of comments here, but the real meat of the editing process would come from applying additional arrangement decisions in order to make it more representative of the original should you choose to make those changes. As it stands, this arrangement needs more color, but I think the general foundation is there!
Formatting and general comments- This is just personal preference, but I think including the metronome marking text after the number assignment looks a bit off. I think it would look better to have the text either in front of (i.e. to the left) or on top of the quarter note marking. You're welcome to leave it the way it is if you disagree!
- I think there's a disconnect between the brief chord interludes (particularly 33-34 and 50-52) and the rest of the piece given the simplicity. Adding chords at specific sections such as beats 1, 2.5, or 3 would help connect everything together without increasing the difficulty level too much. For example, it would be nice to add some harmonies under beat 1 of measure 31 and beats 1/3 of measure 32
- You could also change the LH part so that it retains more of the bouncy feel by alternating between the root on beats 1 & 3 and (mostly) power chords on beats 2 & 4. Ideally, I think there would be a balanced mix of this alongside a few harmonies under the RH. Here's an example that also includes some of my other comments within the Notes section
m3-10
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/892557518759415858/1127766739699126312/image.png
- If none of those suggestions sound appealing to you, then I would recommend putting accents on the RH hits that coincide with some of the guitar chords (e.g. beats 1 and 2.5 of measure 8 )
- There are some spots in the RH that would either benefit from a tenuto or tenuto-staccato marking because the notes sound a bit extended compared to what you wrote out. For example, beat 1 of measure 4/12/36 could use tenuto-staccatos, while beat 2.5 of measure 18 could use a tenuto marking
- I think it's conventional to slur grace notes
- To further highlight the separation between chords/melody lines/parts, you could split the beams whenever you have a group of 4 eighth notes with a rest on the 3rd part. That's just a suggestion though, not a requirement
- m. 34 LH - there's no consistency here because this uses a staccato quarter note rather than the eighth note + eighth rest combo like in measure 2, 10, or 52. Also, the RH doesn't even have a staccato written here when it should match the LH
- m. 47 - nitpicky but the 8va is positioned a little too far to the right. It would be nice if you could align it with the one by measure 43, but otherwise just moving it to the left so that the reminder is closer to the notehead works fine too
Notes- m. 2/34 RH - C#'s should be Cn's, it would be nice to keep the A on beat 1.5 (it's in the original too), and the D on beat 2.5 should be D#. I also can't really hear any Fn's but I guess it still fits the chord as G7#5. I would personally just put it an octave lower because it's a little too distracting that high and would put it an octave lower, but you don't have to change that
- m. 12 RH - beat 3.5 there's a softer A playing here too
- m. 16 RH - beat 1 sounds staccato
- m. 31 RH - beat 1 sounds like a dotted quarter note F followed by an eighth note A instead of a half note F
- m. 40 RH - beat 4 can just be a staccato quarter note rather than a staccato eighth note + eighth rest
- m. 48 RH - beat 4 I'm hearing a re-strike of the F as a quarter note here. It also sounds just slightly detached, so I would recommend putting a tenuto staccato (or perhaps regular staccato??) on it too
- m. 51-52 RH - I'm hearing something like this. The LH isn't doing anything so you can split the chords between both hands/staves, but if you would rather not do that, then it would be nice if you could at least include the D->Db motion in measure 52
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/892557518759415858/1127767766536028180/image.png - m. 2/34 LH - beat 1 sounds like two D's to me rather than an eighth rest + eighth D; they should also be raised an octave so that they're higher than the previous C's and the following G. You could also put G octaves here to continue the downwards motion of the A->G, or you could leave that in the RH and let the player decide. Here's a picture of m. 2 for reference (including my suggestion for the RH):
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/892557518759415858/1127767822861340692/image.png - m. 4/6/12/14/38 LH - beat 3 sounds like swung G's instead of just the quarter note; beat 4 should also be held without a staccato, possibly with a tenuto as well. Technically there's a muted chord playing on beat 4.5, but it's not as prominent as the other strikes so it's probably better to omit it and just play a quarter note
- m. 5 LH - beat 3 sounds like 2 eighth notes; it's a lot more noticeable when pitched up an octave
- m. 8 LH - beat 2.5 the Ab should come early just like the RH; also beat 4 sounds like two eighth notes
- m. 9/41 LH - remove the staccatos here; also, maybe it's worth alternating eighth notes between octave intervals on beats 3 and 4 just to match the rhythm of the chords. Here's a demonstration:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/892557518759415858/1127768090374066286/image.png - m. 10 LH - beat 1 sounds like it's only a staccato quarter note; beat 4 I don't think the low G actually plays twice, but since there is a guitar strike there with another G, it would probably be better to write two G's here
- m. 16 LH - beat 3.5 sounds like it goes F#->E->F# for the last three notes
- m. 17 LH - beat 3.5 sounds like a full quarter note rather than an eighth note + eighth rest
- m. 18 LH - beat 1 conversely there should be a staccato here; beat 2.5 should tie into an eighth note; beat 3.5-end is just an eighth C followed by a triplet with the notes C->D->E. Picture for clarity:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/892557518759415858/1127768405143982150/image.png - m. 19-30 LH - this section in particular is feeling a bit empty. I would suggest making the LH slightly more active by incorporating more of the guitar rhythms/hits even if they're only applied to the current bass note at the time (e.g. measure 22 beat 1 could be two eighth note A's instead of just the quarter note)
- m. 23 LH - beat 1 I think the first note might be staccato, but I'm unsure
- m. 25 LH - beat 2 sounds like it should be raised an octave
- m. 31 LH - I don't think there any staccatos in the bassline
- m. 32 LH - beats 2-3 sound like two eighth notes and a staccato quarter note instead of just a half note; beat 4 also sounds staccato
- m. 33 LH - beats 1-2 I think the C's would be better up an octave, or at the very least I think you could try only raising beat 2 to make the jump more manageable; beats 3/4 sound like Bb's instead of Ab's
- m. 35/37 LH - beat 3 sounds like swung A's instead of just the quarter note. Unlike measures 4/6/etc., beat 4 still sounds staccato
- m. 42 LH - beat 2 sounds like it has a staccato eighth note G instead of an eighth note rest; beat 4 I think this sounds like an F# and G rather than G and A (up an octave from where you have it now, so the same register as the G's before it)
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/892557518759415858/1127782548026691654/image.png - m. 47-50 LH - I think the bass is playing this instead (note the lack of staccatos in measures 47-48), but of course you're free to add more hits to match the guitar like adding one on beat 2 of measure 48
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/892557518759415858/1127768618688593921/image.png - m. 54 (last measure) LH - I think the chord on beat 4 is a little too heavy handed, and feel like a simple power chord consisting of C->Gn in the LH (C on bottom) and C in the RH would fit better. If nothing else, the bottom note would be better off as C instead of Gn. Also, the entire chord (including the RH C) sounds like it should not be staccato
Quote from: Zeila on July 09, 2023, 07:13:25 PM- This is just personal preference, but I think including the metronome marking text after the number assignment looks a bit off. I think it would look better to have the text either in front of (i.e. to the left) or on top of the quarter note marking. You're welcome to leave it the way it is if you disagree!
I feel like I'm more used to seeing it the way I have it here, but if someone else chimes in and agrees with you, then I'll be convinced to change it.
Quote from: Zeila on July 09, 2023, 07:13:25 PM- m. 10 LH - beat 1 sounds like it's only a staccato quarter note
When listening to it an octave higher, I distinctly hear a second hit on the G by the bass. I originally thought it was only a quarter note before listening to it that way.
I believe those were the only two points I had any specific comments on. Thank you so much for all the feedback! I seriously mean it when I say it made me so happy to see the amount of effort you put in just to give feedback on my submission.
Quote from: ThatHiddenCharacter on July 11, 2023, 07:10:50 AMI feel like I'm more used to seeing it the way I have it here, but if someone else chimes in and agrees with you, then I'll be convinced to change it.
For what it's worth, we tend to format it as Zeila said, with the text indication in front of (or above) the bpm. That said, I think either way is fine, but you might want to consider consistency with our other sheets...
Quote from: XiaoMigros on July 11, 2023, 12:07:10 PMFor what it's worth, we tend to format it as Zeila said, with the text indication in front of (or above) the bpm. That said, I think either way is fine, but you might want to consider consistency with our other sheets...
Ah, it would appear things have changed since I left, and my template file is now obsolete. I will have to update it to match. In the meantime, however, I have updated this sheet with that (and all the other changes that I already updated the submission with, but forgot to mention I did.)
You can find the latest template here (https://www.dropbox.com/s/617huonz3luxheq/NSM%20Template%202019.mus?dl=1)
Hi, sorry for the wait on this! Going over this sheet I feel like there's still a lot of work that needs to be done, and I've provided some feedback for the beginning of the sheet below. It would be great if you could go over the rest of the sheet with a similar level of detail, in your own time!
Lastly, a friendly reminder that sheets submitted should be arranged within and to the best of your ability, so if the mentality of "this sheet is okay but will be fixed in submissions" is something you identify with, that would best be avoided! No hard feelings, and we're happy to go over your submissions with you, just something to keep in mind. Thanks!
- To me this sheet sounds like it's in cut time, h=90. If you want you could write it in 2/4 with half the note durations, but I think leaving it as is and changing just the timesig/tempo would be better. What do you think?
- m1: The chords of beats 1 & 2 are missing a C, beat 2.5 sounds like a G. Beat 4.5 also sounds like a G
- m2: I would make beat 1.5 staccato, in both hands, to encapsulate the snappy feeling of the guitar here. I would also add a staccato low G in the LH at beat 2, I think that's what the original plays too.
For the chord at beat 2.5, I don't hear the F, and including the G in 3 octaves is a little overpowering. I think the original doesn't play the middle one (bottom RH note), could you remove it? - m3: The guitar plays the same chord on beats 2 and 4 here, even if you don't want to include the full triad (G-C-E) beat 4 should still look like beat 2.
- m4: The chord at beat 2 is F#-C-Eb, but feel free to leave out the Eb since it's present in the RH already. The main thing I would say is to be consistent with your voicings, either use 2 notes per chord or 3 notes per chord throughout the whole sheet.
For beat 3.5 onwards, I think the guitar is more in focus here and should be prioritised over the bass. Chord here is G7 with the root omitted.
If you want you could add a grace note in front of the RH at beat 2 - In general I would advise against using tenuto-staccato markings in this sheet, I think regular 8ths work much better here
- m5: Chord at beat 2 is G-B-E, chord at beat 4 is D-G. I don't hear the A get restruck at beat 3.5, but I do hear the D from the guitar get restruck at beat 4.5. Including it makes beat 1 of m6 slightly less convenient so you can leave it out if you want
- m6: Chord at beat 2 is F-C, same comment for m3.5 onwards as with m4.
If you want you could add a grace note in front of the RH at beat 2.5 - m7: Chord at beat 2 is G-B-E, chord at beat 4 is G-C-E. I would leave out the Es here though
- m8: Chord at beat 1 is F-C, you could include the F in the LH. Chord at beat 2.5 is F#-C-Eb
To me it sounds like the bass plays regular quarter notes, A-A-Ab-Ab, throughout the whole measure
If you want you could include the G from the guitar at beat 4.5, and again at beat 1 in m9 - m9: I'd recommend adding the guitar chord on beats 3.5 and 4.5 instead of having the bass play those octave notes, you could split the chords between hands to keep things playable. Chord is G-C-E, FWIW
I'd recommend using the same voicing for beat 1 in m10
As always, let me know if you have any questions or uncertainties!
Quote from: XiaoMigros on September 08, 2023, 11:59:55 PMLastly, a friendly reminder that sheets submitted should be arranged within and to the best of your ability, so if the mentality of "this sheet is okay but will be fixed in submissions" is something you identify with, that would best be avoided!
Of course! That mentality is a waste of both the updaters' and arranger's time. I would never submit something unless I thought it was ready to be submitted.
As for your feedback, there is a lot to go over, plus the fact I will need to go over the rest of the song again as well. So for now, I'm going to delete this submission so that this topic doesn't just sit in the submissions thread gathering dust while I find time to rework this sheet. I can always resubmit it once it's ready, so I want to make sure I can give it the proper time and attention it needs. Thank you for your time, and thank you to Zeila as well. I apologize for not having this sheet up to the proper standard before submission.